Eric Bischoff quotes from WWE Raw

[in interview with Jonathan Coachman] The fact of the matter is this. Big Show, I'm 'bout to come out here and pull an Allen Iverson on yo' punk ass and show you why you don't put your hands on the [counts fingers on hand] five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time WCW Champion! Now can you dig that... [looks over and looks like he's seeing a ghost, but it's actually...]

Eric Bischoff

[shaking Booker's hand] Booker T, so good to see you again, my friend.

[to Coach after Eric walks off] Tell me I didn't just see that.

Vince McMahon

You know, you don't realize this but it takes a real son of a bitch to be successful in this business. So from one son of a bitch to another, allow me to introduce you to the new general manager of Raw - his name is ERIC BISCHOFF!

Eric Bischoff

For those of you who may not know me... my name is Eric Bischoff, and I used to run WCW. Not that watered-down version, by the way, that invaded this company... but the real deal. You see, when I ran WCW, I became famous. That's right. I was the only person EVER able to take it right to Vince McMahon. That would be me. In fact, when Vince was out here a couple weeks ago talking about ruthless aggression... just who the hell do you think he was talking about? That, of course, would be me - I've personified ruthless aggression.

Eric Bischoff

And I love each and every one of you people too. [crowd boos]

Jim Ross

He really means it folks.

Jerry Lawler

It's sincere.

Ross

Yep.

Bischoff

Hey hey hey hey hey. But tonight, Big Show's going to find out what happens when you lay your hands on Eric Bischoff. And at Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon is going to find out what happens when you try to out-promote Eric Bischoff. Now make no mistake about it, that Hell in a Cell match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, it was a spectacle.

Ross

Great.

Bischoff

No, it was a bloodbath. No mistake about it. But it is going to pale in comparison to the match that I have in mind. You see, at Survivor Series, you're going to witness an ingenious creation. One that could only come from the mind of Eric Bischoff.

Lawler

Oh boy! This'll be good. [camera shows a sign that reads "ERIC BISCHOFF SUCKS"] Hey.

Bischoff

At Survivor Series, you will bear witness to the Elimination Chamber.

Lawler

Elimination Chamber?

Ross

What the hell is that?

Lawler

Sounds scary. Look at that look.

Jim Ross

Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw here in Knoxville. Raw general manager Eric Bischoff, chief of staff Chief Morley already in the ring.

Jerry Lawler

What are these guys doing out here?

At this time, Mr. Eric Bischoff and I, Chief Morley, are out here to address two men. Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the Titantron. [Shawn Michaels appears on the Titantron] The first man we would like to introduce is the World Champion, Shawn Michaels. [crowd cheers] The other is the challenger to the World title, Triple H. [Triple H appears on the Titantron and the crowd boos] Mr. Bischoff.

Eric Bischoff

Thank you, chief. You know, Shawn, Hunter, after everything that you two have been through, it's clear to me that your World title match at Armageddon cannot be just a regular match. Absolutely not. Which is why I, Eric Bischoff, have decided that your World title match at Armageddon will be two out of three falls. And that's just the beginning. You see, you two have so much history together, that I've devised a way to encapsulate everything that you've been through. And here's how it's going to work. The first fall, just like your match at SummerSlam, is going to be a street fight.

The second fall, just like your match at Survivor Series, will take place inside a steel cage.

Ross

Wow.

Bischoff

Oh. And if it goes to a third fall, well then Hunter, you're gonna have a chance to compete in a match that Shawn Michaels made famous. A ladder match!

Lawler

Oh!

Ross

Wow.

Lawler

Look at Triple H.

Bischoff

You see, this issue between you two is coming to an end at Armageddon. And with Armageddon less than a week away, Shawn, Hunter, the end is near.

Ross

What, man I'll tell you what King, that is no truer statement I don't think can be spoken regarding the end is near. Can you imagine this Sunday at Armageddon in Fort Lauderdale, on pay-per-view, a best two out of three fall match. The first fall, just at SummerSlam, a street fight. The second fall, inside a steel cage. And what about that third fall if necessary?

Lawler

Well, if necessary. as he said. The fall is gonna consist of a match that Shawn Michaels made famous, a ladder match.

Eric Bischoff

That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. [Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]

Jerry Lawler

Well. look out! He's loose!

Jim Ross

Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.

Lawler

Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!

Bischoff

ENOUGH!! [everybody stops] At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!

Lawler

Oh boy!

Ross

Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

Eric Bischoff

Triple H, I asked you to come down to the ring alone.

Triple H

It's all right. It's okay Eric. Evolution and I are one of the same. Evolution is a part of me. When Evolution succeeds, I succeed, and vice versa. It doesn't matter, Eric, whether it's Batista, whether it's the Nature Boy, or whether it's The Game. Together, we have more wins than both of these guys combined and above all else, Eric, the World Heavyweight Champion should be a winner. So, I just think the choice is, is pretty obvious for you, Eric.

Bischoff

Interesting. That's a, uh, that's a different approach to the one you had in my office a few moments ago. Well let's talk about my choices. My first choice tonight was Chris Benoit's option. To have a rematch with the Triple Threat match tonight.

Jerry Lawler

Well that's what the fans want.

Bischoff

Well I thought about that and I decided that that's just not what I wanted to do. And then Edge. Edge gave me a choice. He wanted me to just hand the belt over. But you know what, from a purely business point of view, that would be just too risky, given that you've never held the title before. Which brings me to my third choice. Now Triple H, you say that a win for Evolution is a win for you, right? Well I'm gonna put that theory to the test. On January 9, 2005, we're gonna have a pay-per-view called New Year's Revolution. And at New Year's Revolution, we're gonna have a match that's a proven commodity. A match that will prove without a shadow of a doubt, who deserves to be the World Heavyweight Champion. It's something that I like to call...the Elimination Chamber!

Jim Ross

Oh my god!

Bischoff

The World title will remain vacant until New Year's Revolution, when we have one of, if not, the biggest championship matches in Raws history. And it's going to feature...Chris Benoit...Edge...Triple H...Y2J, Chris Jericho!

Lawler

Chris Jericho?! Wh -

Bischoff

And Evolution's own, Batista!

Ross

WHAT?!

Lawler

Batista?!

Bischoff

And last but not least, RANDY ORTON!

Ross

Oh my -

Lawler

Wait a minute!

Ross

Orton back in the hunt!

Eric Bischoff

Hold on! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Without any further ado, allow me to introduce the special referee for the Elimination Chamber match at New Year's Revolution, the one, the only, HBK! HEARTBREAK KID! [crowd cheers as Edge reacts angrily]

Jim Ross

Shawn Michaels! Look at the! [Shawn Michaels comes out] THERE HE IS!

Jerry Lawler

He's back! [Triple H is in shock and disbelief]

Ross

No one's gonna like this decision! Not one man in the Elimination Chamber is gonna like this at all!

Lawler

You're right. You can see it on the faces of Batista, of Benoit, of Edge, of Jericho, and especially Triple H.

Ross

Triple H can't believe it. Oh my God, what an Elimination Chamber it's gonna be! Six men, but only one can survive! And there is your law and order.

Randy Orton

It wasn't...it wasn't supposed to happen this way. It wasn't supposed to happen like it did. I came this close to making history. This close to beating The Undertaker at WrestleMania. Hell, he. he picked me up for that chokeslam, I turned it into an RKO, and when that wasn't enough, I figured I'd beat him at his own game. I'd beat him with his own patented move, I picked him up for that Tombstone Piledriver, and before breaking his neck, something happened. Something happened but, my shoulder, my left shoulder, I, I heard a snap. [crowd boos] I lost some feeling in my left arm, and next thing I knew I was looking at the bright lights. I mean, I don't know what's wrong, the doctor wasn't sure what's wrong. If my shoulder didn't give out last night, I would have beat The Undertaker! [crowd boos] But it got worse. 'Cause when I was backstage, and the doctor was tending to my injured shoulder, I looked up at the television. I looked up at the TV monitor and what I saw made me sick to my stomach! I was the new World Champion, Batista. [crowd cheers] Now let me make one thing perfectly clear. When I was messing with The Undertaker, I respected him. Even though I despise Triple H, I respect him. I have no respect whatsoever for Batista! [crowd boos] Everybody knows that when Evolution was formed, it was me. I was the future! Hell I still am. I was the bright and shining star, I was the project, the diamond in the rough. Everybody knows it. Hell, me and Flair and Triple H, we'd laugh at Batista, we'd crack jokes, we'd make fun of him. He was so far behind, they told me to slow down, they'd say "Randy, you're light years ahead of Batista. Let him catch up." It was a running joke. The Animal. Ha! [crowd chants "Batista"] Chant his name! Go ahead, chant his name! But let me tell you one thing right now. This year alone, I've beaten him not once, but twice. I pinned him in this very ring. So I know what I gotta do to get the bitterness out of my mind, to get that loss out of my mind from last night from The Undertaker. I need to beat Batista RIGHT HERE TONIGHT! [Eric Bischoff's music hits]

Jerry Lawler

What'd you think about that, JR? Those are some strong words from Randy Orton, huh? [Eric Bischoff comes out]

Eric Bischoff

Randy, as far as World title matches are concerned, I think earlier tonight, we heard what Triple H has in mind with his rematch clause. And even if he hasn't, Edge, hell you were there when --

Orton

[over Bischoff] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, listen to me Eric! I don't care what you gotta do. I want Batista in this ring tonight! You hear me?! TONIGHT!

Bischoff

You want it so damn bad? Then tonight, it's going to be Randy Orton one on one with the new World Champion, Batista!

Jonathan Coachman

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.

Eric Bischoff

Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! [audience boos] Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from Raw. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from Raw. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

Eric Bischoff

Chris, forget about all that. Because...YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE FIRED!

Jerry Lawler

What?!

Bischoff

You had a job to do, damn it, and you didn't get it done! [Jericho pleads for his job]

Chris Jericho

Give me another chance! I got a plan, he'll be fired! I mean come on! Don't fire me, come on Eric! Come on, we're buddies! We're friends, give me another chance! You know I can do it! Give me another chance! Please Eric!

Bischoff

YOU'RE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME?!

Jericho

NO!

Bischoff

GET OUT OF MY RING! OUT OF MY RING! [Jericho gets on his knees and begs for his job] I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, YOUR WIFE, OR YOUR DAMN KID! NOW GET OUT OF MY RING!

Jericho

Bitch you don't fire me!

Bischoff

I just did! Security, get him out of here!

Jericho

[security comes to the ring] Don't fire me! Don't fire me, Mr. Bischoff! Please I can do this! No!

Bischoff

Get him out of here! NOW! GET OUT OF MY RING DAMN IT! YOU ARE DONE! FINISHED! GET HIM OUT OF MY RING! [the security officers grab Jericho as he grabs Bischoff's leg]

Jerry Lawler

What are we seeing?

Jim Ross

Jericho begging for his job. He's holding on to, he's holding on to Bischoff's leg, begging to keep his job.

Lawler

I'd never thought I'd see Jericho beg on his knees like this!

Jonathan Coachman

I would never do anything like what Chris Jericho is doing right now. Jericho deserves to be fired. When you don't get the job done. [the security drags Jericho away from the ring]

Lawler

They're dragging him out of Raw!

Coachman

Hey, he had an opportunity. He didn't come through for the boss, thus, he's out of here. [the security carries Jericho as he screams] Chris Jericho is done.

Lawler

They're carrying him out!

Ross

Jericho being bodily carried out of this ring. Chris Jericho has been fired. Chris Jericho is done.