Jerry Lawler quotes from WWE Raw

Jonathan Coachman

Well Edge, first of all, congratulations on defeating William Regal last night at Vengeance. And if you don't mind me saying, you totally reeked of awesomeness.

Edge

Thanks Coach, but I can't take anything away from Regal. He's tough, and he brought it last night. He almost escaped with my Intercontinental Championship. But you know what? He didn't. And I have a message for Mr. William Regal. [mock English accent] You don't have one of these to hold up your trousers, do ya? Have you kissed any bums lately? You bum kisser! You cheeky monkey! [makes kissing sounds, then William Regal knocks Edge out from behind]

Jim Ross

Oh wait! Regal, God!

Not so bloody funny now, are you?

Ross

With the brass knucks! Regal just cheap shotted Edge with the brass knucks!

Jerry Lawler

Edge is out cold!

Steve Austin

What? What? What? What? Y2J is the undisputed champion? Y2J was declared the winner at Vengeance? Vince McMahon and Booker T screws Stone Cold? Vince and Booker T screws Stone Cold? I said Vince McMahon and Booker T screws Stone Cold? After last night, I sat there and I thought about it and I said, "Stone Cold, there's no use in sitting there crying, whining, pissing, moaning." So I asked myself, I said, "Stone Cold, do you want Y2J or do you want Booker T?" So while I was trying to make that decision, I drove over to the Sonic Drive-In, ordered a jalapeno burger, a chicken-fried steak sandwich, a chili cheese dog with extra onions, french fries, tater tots, washed it down with one beer, two beers, three beers, a shot of whiskey, a margarita, and a Bloody Mary, and I said, "Stone Cold, why have one when you can have them both?" Booker T, you show up tonight with Vince McMahon and you got security guards. You got your guard dogs. You got your pepper spray. So you can sit up there in your stupid little skybox and you can watch Stone Cold Steve Austin kick the crap out of Y2J in a steel cage. Y2J, you said you're calling Stone Cold a little trooper? Tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin, I ain't gonna be no little trooper, and since we're right here in Anaheim, California, Hollywood is right there in the road. So tonight, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna make you a star. No, he's gonna make you a superstar. No, just like you said, he's gonna make you a super-duper star because you're gonna get the starring role in the movie I'm directing, and the name of that movie is, "My Name is Chris Jericho, and I'm Getting My Ass Whipped in a Steel Cage." And when it's all said and done, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna take his undisputed championships and walk out of this ring. And that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so.

Jim Ross

Austin's gotta make the tag. He's close to the Big Show. [Austin tags in Big Show]

Jerry Lawler

Oh there it is!

Ross

Austin makes the tag. The Big Show gets the tag, and here he comes. And look at the nWo, they want no part of... [Big Show pulls down the straps from his singlet as Hall and X-Pac get on their knees]

Lawler

Oh no! [Big Show suddenly grabs Austin by the throat]

Ross

Hey, wait a minute!

Lawler

What?!

Ross

What the hell?! What the hell is this?! Oh my God! [Big Show lifts Austin in the air for a chokeslam]

Lawler

What is he doing?!

Ross

My God, the 500-pounder! Big Show... [Big Show chokeslams Austin]

Lawler

Oh!

Ross

The big bastard just chokeslammed Austin all the way to hell!

Lawler

His own partner! [Big Show raises hands with Hall and X-Pac, signifying he has joined the nWo] Look at this!

Ross

What the hell is this?! My God, has the Big Show joined the nWo?! My God the Big Show!

Lawler

I can't believe what I'm seeing, but JR, I think you're right!

Ross

What a no good bastard, the Big Show chokeslamming Austin! My God I cannot, can you imagine what this means?!

Vince McMahon

Ever since last Monday night, the question that seems to be on everyone's mind is, is Stone Cold Steve Austin really gone? Sadly, sadly the answer to that question is yes.

Jerry Lawler

Wow.

I know, I don't like it any more than you do. The other question on everyone's mind is, one day, will Stone Cold Steve Austin be back in action in World Wrestling Entertainment?

Lawler

That's the question.

I sincerely hope so. Quite frankly, I really don't have the answer to that question and I'll tell you why. See, Austin has a lot of explaining and a lot of apologizing to do before he comes back. Austin, when he walked last Monday, it wasn't the first time he walked out on us. It happened once before, the day after WrestleMania, when Austin packed his bag without notifying anyone. He simply packed his bag and went home. He was scheduled to be on Raw just as he was scheduled last Monday. Austin stayed home for approximately two weeks claiming he was burned out. All right, you can understand being burned out. We all have been burned out from time to time, and given the enormous contributions that Austin made, and has made to our company, all was forgiven, two weeks later Austin came back to work. Nonetheless, in my mind, Austin owes an apology for walking out to every superstar in that locker room. Austin owes an apology to the company he helped build. Austin owes an apology to each and every one of you for walking out on you. I don't know if Austin's ever gonna come back to action or not. [crowd chants "Austin"]

Lawler

You can tell JR, that the fans want him back.

Last Monday, Austin was in town, he was scheduled to be on Raw as I said, and a number of us attempted to speak to him on his cell phone. He refused to take our calls until finally, after repeated attempts, Austin took one call. That was from that man right there. [points to Jim Ross] Austin's friend, Jim Ross. JR pleaded with Austin, since you're in town, don't walk, simply just come to the arena. Sit down and discuss your grievances as a man. Austin didn't do that. JR's plea fell on deaf ears. And quite frankly, Austin's actions both personally and professionally are certainly uncharacteristic of the man we all know. Nonetheless, Austin, as an adult, should and will be held accountable. We have to move on as a company without Austin. And move on we will, we have to. We have no alternative. We'll develop new stars, new matches, new concepts, even this Sunday's King of the Ring winner will automatically face the champion at SummerSlam. Austin is gone, but clearly Stone Cold will never, ever be forgotten. I know that in Austin's heart, he wishes every superstar in the locker room well. He wishes all of you well. And I know Austin wishes even the company that he helped build well. So Steve tonight, wherever you are, I'd like to say on behalf of all the superstars, some of whom are riding your coattails for the trailblazes you made, I'd like to say Steve, to you, on behalf of the company that you helped build, on behalf Steve, of every single fan that you entertained throughout the years all over the world, on behalf of all of us Steve, I would simply like to say thank you. Thank you Stone Cold. Thank you for the memories.

Shawn Michaels

Oh my!

Jerry Lawler

Yeah you got that right, oh my!

Michaels

Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the old rasslin' show, look who's back in town! The boys who were rebels before being a rebel was cool, D-Generation X!

Triple H

With that said, [crowd chants "DX"]

Lawler

Oh here we go! That didn't take long did it?

Jim Ross

Not long at all.

Lawler

These people remember DX!

Triple H

You damn right. ARE YOU READY? [crowd cheers]

Ross

I don't know if we are or not, but we better get ready.

Triple H

I said, ARE YOU READY?

Lawler

They're ready! I don't know if Eric Bischoff is ready.

Triple H

Then, for the thousands in attendance, and for the millions watching at home, LET'S GET READY TO SUCK IT!

Lawler

Oh ho ho there it is! [Triple H suddenly kicks Michaels in the gut]

Ross

Hey wait a minute!

Lawler

What?!

Ross

What the hell?! [Triple H pedigrees Michaels] No!

Lawler

What is this?

Ross

Triple H with a Pedigree on Shawn Michaels! Good God almighty!

Lawler

What?!

Ross

What the hell is this about?!

Lawler

What is this about, look at this!

Ross

Shawn Michaels has not been in the ring in four years, he is, he, what the hell is this about?!

Eric Bischoff

And I love each and every one of you people too. [crowd boos]

Jim Ross

He really means it folks.

Jerry Lawler

It's sincere.

Ross

Yep.

Bischoff

Hey hey hey hey hey. But tonight, Big Show's going to find out what happens when you lay your hands on Eric Bischoff. And at Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon is going to find out what happens when you try to out-promote Eric Bischoff. Now make no mistake about it, that Hell in a Cell match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, it was a spectacle.

Ross

Great.

Bischoff

No, it was a bloodbath. No mistake about it. But it is going to pale in comparison to the match that I have in mind. You see, at Survivor Series, you're going to witness an ingenious creation. One that could only come from the mind of Eric Bischoff.

Lawler

Oh boy! This'll be good. [camera shows a sign that reads "ERIC BISCHOFF SUCKS"] Hey.

Bischoff

At Survivor Series, you will bear witness to the Elimination Chamber.

Lawler

Elimination Chamber?

Ross

What the hell is that?

Lawler

Sounds scary. Look at that look.

Jim Ross

Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw here in Knoxville. Raw general manager Eric Bischoff, chief of staff Chief Morley already in the ring.

Jerry Lawler

What are these guys doing out here?

At this time, Mr. Eric Bischoff and I, Chief Morley, are out here to address two men. Ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the Titantron. [Shawn Michaels appears on the Titantron] The first man we would like to introduce is the World Champion, Shawn Michaels. [crowd cheers] The other is the challenger to the World title, Triple H. [Triple H appears on the Titantron and the crowd boos] Mr. Bischoff.

Eric Bischoff

Thank you, chief. You know, Shawn, Hunter, after everything that you two have been through, it's clear to me that your World title match at Armageddon cannot be just a regular match. Absolutely not. Which is why I, Eric Bischoff, have decided that your World title match at Armageddon will be two out of three falls. And that's just the beginning. You see, you two have so much history together, that I've devised a way to encapsulate everything that you've been through. And here's how it's going to work. The first fall, just like your match at SummerSlam, is going to be a street fight.

The second fall, just like your match at Survivor Series, will take place inside a steel cage.

Ross

Wow.

Bischoff

Oh. And if it goes to a third fall, well then Hunter, you're gonna have a chance to compete in a match that Shawn Michaels made famous. A ladder match!

Lawler

Oh!

Ross

Wow.

Lawler

Look at Triple H.

Bischoff

You see, this issue between you two is coming to an end at Armageddon. And with Armageddon less than a week away, Shawn, Hunter, the end is near.

Ross

What, man I'll tell you what King, that is no truer statement I don't think can be spoken regarding the end is near. Can you imagine this Sunday at Armageddon in Fort Lauderdale, on pay-per-view, a best two out of three fall match. The first fall, just at SummerSlam, a street fight. The second fall, inside a steel cage. And what about that third fall if necessary?

Lawler

Well, if necessary. as he said. The fall is gonna consist of a match that Shawn Michaels made famous, a ladder match.

Jim Ross

Glad you're happy about it. Folks, I'll tell you what, as long as I live, as long as I live, I'll never ver - gonna forget March 31, 2003 because, although Eric Bischoff has done the worst thing that any human being, he has, he has robbed Austin of his dreams, of his livelihood. And let me say this. And understand what I'm telling you. And I'm on record for this. Eric Bischoff is a no good, lousy, son of a bitch.

Jerry Lawler

Hey hey hey! Easy!

Ross

That's exactly what he is! And how he got Austin's records, I'll never know. But he's a no good bastard for what he did, for taking Austin right out of the ball game for medical reasons. He's ruined his dreams, he couldn't beat him, he can't find anybody to beat him, and this is what he's done! And he oughta burn in hell for it!

Jerry Lawler

Well ladies and gentlemen, we are ready for the great debate. You've heard of great debates in the past. There was the Lincoln-Douglas debate. There was the Kennedy-Nixon debate, but tonight, we have the Steiner-Nowinski debate. Now let me explain something here. Tonight's topic is Operation Iraqi Freedom. And in this date, in this debate, Scott Steiner will argue in favor of the operation and Chris Nowinski will argue against it. Let me explain, gentlemen, the rules. Each participant will be given their opportunity to make their case and if either one of you interrupts, they will be disqualified. Understand? Christopher Nowinski, you're up first.

Thank you. Well first I'd like to thank my esteemed colleague for being willing to take part in this gentlemanly debate. But I brought my mask just in case. Now I would like to reiterate and expound the statements I made last week, with the contention that America is using its vast military superiority in order to bully smaller nations. [crowd boos] And I ask you, where does it end? Do we invade and overthrow every government that doesn't seem to share the worldview of our country's administration? [crowd cheers] Yeah, do we go invade Syria now? Or North Korea? Or do we only invade countries that have oil? Let's face it. This war is unnecessary and ludicrous! [crowd boos] Hey, while you may not like what I have to say, as an American, not only am I guaranteed that right to speak my mind by the Constitution, but it is my patriotic duty to do so.

Lawler

That's a pretty powerful point of view. Scott Steiner, your rebuttal.

You see, throughout my career, I've wrestled in a lot of countries, but without a shadow of a doubt, the United States of America is the greatest country of them all. [crowd cheers] See, we have fought to make this the land of the free and the home of the brave, and one of those freedoms is freedom of speech. The right to state your opinion, but as the saying goes, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. [crowd cheers] Even a master debater like yourself. See we as a country, we didn't start this thing. Terrorists started this. Terrorism started this when they hijacked planes, flew them into buildings on 9/11. Terrorism started this, and Iraq has been known to harbor, finance, support, and even train terrorism. They started it. Terrorism started it, not us. Terrorism drew first blood on 9/11, and you can bet your sweet ass, we're gonna get even and we're gonna finish it. [crowd cheers] But the bottom line is, there are thousands of Americans, men and women, who are fighting for our freedom, making the ultimate sacrifice. They're the real heroes, and I support them. So you, the Dixie Chicks, all those Hollywood numbnuts, [crowd cheers] that don't support our troops can go straight to hell! [crowd cheers] Or France, same difference. Just don't let the, the door hit you in the ass on the way out because we ain't gonna miss ya! [crowd cheers]

Well, I've tried to tell ya, give ya a fair warning that your views are wrong. But apparently, the only kind of view that you understand, the only warning you understand is one that takes about...three minutes.

Stone Cold Steve Austin

Cut that music! Now Eric Bischoff may have made the main event at SummerSlam Triple H versus Goldberg no disqualification for the World title. Now I can't change that match, but, I can damn sure add to it.

Jerry Lawler

Uh-oh.

So this year, at SummerSlam, your main event will be Triple H versus Goldberg, [crowd chants "What?"] no disqualification, World title, but, also in the same match, will be Chris Jericho...

Lawler

What?

Kevin Nash...

Lawler

What?!

Randy Orton, and Shawn Michaels.

Lawler

Wow!

Because, the main event, the World title, will be defended, at SummerSlam, in an Elimination Chamber!

Lawler

Oh my gosh, Elimination Chamber match?!

Stone Cold Steve Austin

It turns out Eric Bischoff made a decision regarding the World title at WrestleMania, but I guess, uh, he was too afraid to come out here and tell you to your face because maybe he might piss you off. But since I don't give a rat's ass what you think, I'll come out here and make the announcement myself. So for the first time in history, the World Heavyweight Championship will be decided at WrestleMania, Madison Square Garden, March 14, in a Triple Threat match.

Jerry Lawler

What?! What?!

Jim Ross

Oh my god!

Triple H versus Chris Benoit versus Shawn Michaels. And that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so!

Jim Ross

Hey wait, what the hell?!

Jerry Lawler

What? [Brock Lesnar is in the ring standing behind Austin] Oh my god!

Ross

My god it's, it's Brock Lesnar!

Lawler

Austin! Look behind you!

Ross

[Lesnar lifts Austin up on his shoulders] Stone Cold up!

Lawler

Oh!

Ross

Lesnar! [Lesnar delivers an F5 to Austin] Brock Lesnar from SmackDown! just F5'd the hell out of Stone Cold! Lesnar's got no business being here! This is not SmackDown!, this is Raw!

Lawler

What the?! I cannot believe this! Brock Lesnar F5'd Stone Cold Steve Austin! What does this mean?!

Ross

What the hell is going on?! What is Lesnar doing here?! Brock Lesnar, from behind! It's Lesnar standing over Austin! My god what has, what has happened here?! What has happened here??!

Eric Bischoff

That is it, that is enough! Triple H, Shawn Michaels...at Bad Blood, it is going to be has a.. [Triple H breaks out and attacks Shawn and the wrestlers still push to stop them]

Jerry Lawler

Well. look out! He's loose!

Jim Ross

Triple H breaking loose before Bischoff had to finish what he was gonna say.

Lawler

Triple H is a man of his word. He said he's gonna destroy Michaels here tonight, he'll do it!

Bischoff

ENOUGH!! [everybody stops] At Bad Blood, it will be Triple H versus Shawn Michaels... HELL... IN A CELL!!!

Lawler

Oh boy!

Ross

Oh my God, oh my- that's what Michaels wanted! Hell in a Cell!!

Jim Ross

Gentlemen, I, along with all these fans here, totally understand the physical condition that you're in. I hope that you will totally conduct yourself in the spirit of why you were asked to be here. I must say that in 30 years of broadcasting this great game that your match last night at the Hell in a Cell will live for generations to come. But Shawn, Triple H, it's time for this to end. I am respectfully, respectfully asking you two men to shake hands, to officially signify the end of the most storified rivalry in the WWE so that you may both get on with your lives.

Jerry Lawler

[on commentary as Triple H and Shawn get closer and JR distances] I don't know... that don't look good on paper, I don't think thats gonna... So much history, so much hatred between these two men, who one time were best friends, closer than brothers. I wonder who's gonna extend their hand first, I think Shawn [Shawn reaches out] You think this should happen? [Triple H moves to shake hands but Eric Bischoff's theme plays and he steps out]

Eric Bischoff

Triple H, I asked you to come down to the ring alone.

Triple H

It's all right. It's okay Eric. Evolution and I are one of the same. Evolution is a part of me. When Evolution succeeds, I succeed, and vice versa. It doesn't matter, Eric, whether it's Batista, whether it's the Nature Boy, or whether it's The Game. Together, we have more wins than both of these guys combined and above all else, Eric, the World Heavyweight Champion should be a winner. So, I just think the choice is, is pretty obvious for you, Eric.

Bischoff

Interesting. That's a, uh, that's a different approach to the one you had in my office a few moments ago. Well let's talk about my choices. My first choice tonight was Chris Benoit's option. To have a rematch with the Triple Threat match tonight.

Jerry Lawler

Well that's what the fans want.

Bischoff

Well I thought about that and I decided that that's just not what I wanted to do. And then Edge. Edge gave me a choice. He wanted me to just hand the belt over. But you know what, from a purely business point of view, that would be just too risky, given that you've never held the title before. Which brings me to my third choice. Now Triple H, you say that a win for Evolution is a win for you, right? Well I'm gonna put that theory to the test. On January 9, 2005, we're gonna have a pay-per-view called New Year's Revolution. And at New Year's Revolution, we're gonna have a match that's a proven commodity. A match that will prove without a shadow of a doubt, who deserves to be the World Heavyweight Champion. It's something that I like to call...the Elimination Chamber!

Jim Ross

Oh my god!

Bischoff

The World title will remain vacant until New Year's Revolution, when we have one of, if not, the biggest championship matches in Raws history. And it's going to feature...Chris Benoit...Edge...Triple H...Y2J, Chris Jericho!

Lawler

Chris Jericho?! Wh -

Bischoff

And Evolution's own, Batista!

Ross

WHAT?!

Lawler

Batista?!

Bischoff

And last but not least, RANDY ORTON!

Ross

Oh my -

Lawler

Wait a minute!

Ross

Orton back in the hunt!

Eric Bischoff

Hold on! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Without any further ado, allow me to introduce the special referee for the Elimination Chamber match at New Year's Revolution, the one, the only, HBK! HEARTBREAK KID! [crowd cheers as Edge reacts angrily]

Jim Ross

Shawn Michaels! Look at the! [Shawn Michaels comes out] THERE HE IS!

Jerry Lawler

He's back! [Triple H is in shock and disbelief]

Ross

No one's gonna like this decision! Not one man in the Elimination Chamber is gonna like this at all!

Lawler

You're right. You can see it on the faces of Batista, of Benoit, of Edge, of Jericho, and especially Triple H.

Ross

Triple H can't believe it. Oh my God, what an Elimination Chamber it's gonna be! Six men, but only one can survive! And there is your law and order.