Jonathan Coachman quotes from WWE Raw

Jonathan Coachman

Well Edge, first of all, congratulations on defeating William Regal last night at Vengeance. And if you don't mind me saying, you totally reeked of awesomeness.

Edge

Thanks Coach, but I can't take anything away from Regal. He's tough, and he brought it last night. He almost escaped with my Intercontinental Championship. But you know what? He didn't. And I have a message for Mr. William Regal. [mock English accent] You don't have one of these to hold up your trousers, do ya? Have you kissed any bums lately? You bum kisser! You cheeky monkey! [makes kissing sounds, then William Regal knocks Edge out from behind]

Jim Ross

Oh wait! Regal, God!

Not so bloody funny now, are you?

Ross

With the brass knucks! Regal just cheap shotted Edge with the brass knucks!

Jerry Lawler

Edge is out cold!

Steve Austin

What? What? What? What? Y2J is the undisputed champion? Y2J was declared the winner at Vengeance? Vince McMahon and Booker T screws Stone Cold? Vince and Booker T screws Stone Cold? I said Vince McMahon and Booker T screws Stone Cold? After last night, I sat there and I thought about it and I said, "Stone Cold, there's no use in sitting there crying, whining, pissing, moaning." So I asked myself, I said, "Stone Cold, do you want Y2J or do you want Booker T?" So while I was trying to make that decision, I drove over to the Sonic Drive-In, ordered a jalapeno burger, a chicken-fried steak sandwich, a chili cheese dog with extra onions, french fries, tater tots, washed it down with one beer, two beers, three beers, a shot of whiskey, a margarita, and a Bloody Mary, and I said, "Stone Cold, why have one when you can have them both?" Booker T, you show up tonight with Vince McMahon and you got security guards. You got your guard dogs. You got your pepper spray. So you can sit up there in your stupid little skybox and you can watch Stone Cold Steve Austin kick the crap out of Y2J in a steel cage. Y2J, you said you're calling Stone Cold a little trooper? Tonight, Stone Cold Steve Austin, I ain't gonna be no little trooper, and since we're right here in Anaheim, California, Hollywood is right there in the road. So tonight, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna make you a star. No, he's gonna make you a superstar. No, just like you said, he's gonna make you a super-duper star because you're gonna get the starring role in the movie I'm directing, and the name of that movie is, "My Name is Chris Jericho, and I'm Getting My Ass Whipped in a Steel Cage." And when it's all said and done, Chris Jericho, Stone Cold Steve Austin is gonna take his undisputed championships and walk out of this ring. And that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so.

Jonathan Coachman

Tonight, we have already seen Batista defeat Chris Benoit, Edge take out Chris Jericho. The question is, will Randy Orton beat Triple H?

Randy Orton

Tonight Coach, tonight Coach, tonight's the first chance that I've had to face Triple H one-on-one on Raw since I lost the World Heavyweight Championship. The same championship that I will regain this Sunday at the Elimination Chamber. Now, 2004, in 2004, Triple H took everything I had away from me. And now I'm gonna return the favor. In 2005, I'll take everything that Triple H has away from him. And it all starts tonight. When I beat you Triple H, 1-2-3, with an RKO.

Jonathan Coachman

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! Stop this match right now! General Manager Eric Bischoff has been informed about what's going on out here. So the Coach would suggest that you climb down off that ladder, Chris Benoit, and listen up.

Eric Bischoff

Thank you, Coach. I wish I would've listened to you a little earlier because apparently, you two arranged for this match while I was busy attending other matters. Well, Benoit, you can get down off that ladder because I am officially ending this match right now! [audience boos] Look! Look! I never sanctioned any ECW match and I never would because ECW is pure garbage. As a matter of fact, from this moment on, I am banning ECW from Raw. Oh, listen up! It will not be chanted in the building. It will not be discussed in the locker room. And then, if I see one ECW sign in my building, I will have it confiscated! And to make my point, I'm going to prohibit anybody from the Raw roster from participating at ECW's One Night Stand. Hell, I am going to ban the letters ECW from Raw. And let me be perfectly clear, the only participation Raw is going to have at ECW's One Night Stand is when I personally show up with my volunteered group of Raw superstars and put an end to ECW once and for all.

Shawn Michaels

Who's your daddy, Montreal? [crowd boos and then chants "you screwed Bret"] Well since all of you have been so respectful to me, I would like to return in kind. [singing] Mi mi mi mi...O Canada, how I hate this place, O Canada, I'm gonna kick Hulk Hogan right in the face...all right. I'll admit it. I'll admit I'm no singer. [crowd chants "asshole"] But what I am is the showstopper, the headliner, the main event, the icon of the WWE, yours truly, the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. [crowd boos] Hulk Hogan, at SummerSlam, I promise, no better yet, I guarantee...I guarantee Hulk Hogan, at SummerSlam, I will give you and the WWE fans something to remember. And of course, all of you here in Montreal know that I am all about... [crowd chants "asshole"] you know I'm all about giving you memories. Survivor Series 1997. [crowd boos] I handed Canada's own, Bret "The Hitman" Hart, [crowd cheers] his most miserable defeat. [crowd chants "we want Bret"] You want Bret? [crowd cheers] You're not gonna get Bret, because I screwed Bret. I did it once, and I'd do it again! If Bret "The Hitman" Hart had any guts, and he walked down that aisle tonight, stepped into this ring, and looked me eye to eye like a man, I'd say "Hitman, I screwed you once, and I'd screw you again." Because Bret "The Hit" [suddenly Bret Hart's music hits and the crowd erupts, but nothing happens for several seconds]

Jim Ross

My God, what's going on here?

Jerry Lawler

Well, I, it's Bret Hart!

Jonathan Coachman

I have no idea!

Ross

That's Bret "The Hitman" Hart's entrance music! [Michaels mocks Hart's pose]

Lawler

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Coachman

I don't think the crowd knows how to respond, I don't think they know what to do. [Hart's music stops and Bret Hart doesn't show up]

Lawler

Wait a minute.

Michaels

Got your hopes just a little bit, didn't I?

Ross

Damn. Damn you.

Michaels

You will never, and I mean ever hear or see Bret "The Hitman" Hart inside a WWE ring again.

Eric Bischoff

Chris, forget about all that. Because...YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU'RE FIRED!

Jerry Lawler

What?!

Bischoff

You had a job to do, damn it, and you didn't get it done! [Jericho pleads for his job]

Chris Jericho

Give me another chance! I got a plan, he'll be fired! I mean come on! Don't fire me, come on Eric! Come on, we're buddies! We're friends, give me another chance! You know I can do it! Give me another chance! Please Eric!

Bischoff

YOU'RE FIRED! YOU HEAR ME?!

Jericho

NO!

Bischoff

GET OUT OF MY RING! OUT OF MY RING! [Jericho gets on his knees and begs for his job] I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, YOUR WIFE, OR YOUR DAMN KID! NOW GET OUT OF MY RING!

Jericho

Bitch you don't fire me!

Bischoff

I just did! Security, get him out of here!

Jericho

[security comes to the ring] Don't fire me! Don't fire me, Mr. Bischoff! Please I can do this! No!

Bischoff

Get him out of here! NOW! GET OUT OF MY RING DAMN IT! YOU ARE DONE! FINISHED! GET HIM OUT OF MY RING! [the security officers grab Jericho as he grabs Bischoff's leg]

Jerry Lawler

What are we seeing?

Jim Ross

Jericho begging for his job. He's holding on to, he's holding on to Bischoff's leg, begging to keep his job.

Lawler

I'd never thought I'd see Jericho beg on his knees like this!

Jonathan Coachman

I would never do anything like what Chris Jericho is doing right now. Jericho deserves to be fired. When you don't get the job done. [the security drags Jericho away from the ring]

Lawler

They're dragging him out of Raw!

Coachman

Hey, he had an opportunity. He didn't come through for the boss, thus, he's out of here. [the security carries Jericho as he screams] Chris Jericho is done.

Lawler

They're carrying him out!

Ross

Jericho being bodily carried out of this ring. Chris Jericho has been fired. Chris Jericho is done.

Vince McMahon

All right. Well as, as promised, as promised, [throws the microphone]

Jerry Lawler

Well, looks like the sound man is gonna be fired tonight as well! [McMahon demands a new microphone] Oh ho! [A technician hands McMahon a new microphone] You hand Mr. McMahon a microphone, you don't throw it at him!

Jonathan Coachman

You don't throw it at all.

Well as promised, last week we took out the trash! [crowd cheers] That's not some sort of bait and switch technique, not some sort of adoration. Last week, I fired Eric Bischoff's ass. And I can tell you this, Eric Bischoff is gonna stay fired. Not withstanding that, I'd like to thank Eric for his contributions and I'd like to wish he and his family a very merry Christmas.

Coachman

That's very sincere.

Lawler

He's a very warm man.

Now of course everyone's been asking me, Mr. McMahon, who's gonna be named the new general manager of Raw? I have some suggestions on that matter. Matter of fact, a number of individuals come to mind who are imminently qualified. One might be um, my daughter Stephanie McMahon.

Lawler

Whoa!

My son Shane McMahon! It might be one of those individuals, it may not be. There was some guy knocking on my door all afternoon trying to get in for an interview. The hell is his name? He wanted to be general manager, Theo Epstein. Then again, maybe not. Hell if Ted Turner wants to get quite, quote, back in the rasslin business, it could be Ted himself. It could be one of you.

Lawler

Oh!

Just ribbing, it's not gonna be one of you. I can tell you. But nonetheless, tonight, the interview process begins to determine the general manager of Raw, or I can tell you, an individual has been, has been assigned tonight to be the interim general manager for tonight, and that individual is thought of as a business icon. He's thought of as a creative genius, and one handsome virile son of a bitch.

Lawler

Uh-oh.

And that would be me, Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

Lawler

I knew it!

So tonight, I'm gonna take up where Eric Bischoff left off when Eric named the Elimination Chamber to be the main event at New Year's Revolution. By the end of tonight, we will know every member, every individual who will qualify to be in that Elimination Chamber. Because we're gonna begin with elimination matches here tonight.

Lawler

Uh-oh.

That's gonna be great.

By the end of the night, all five individuals will have qualified to be in the chamber and face WWE Champion John Cena. And with that in mind, we will start with our very first qualifying match right now, and by the way, you will note, during this individual's entrance, you the audience, will not be censored. Thank you very much. Have a good night.

Jonathan Coachman

Ladies and gentlemen, chairman of WWE, Mr. McMahon.

Thank you, and good evening. World Wrestling Entertainment is a promotional juggernaut. It is the most successful promotional juggernaut in history, having well-established its pre-eminent brands of Raw and SmackDown!, the WWE has recently announced the recreation of a third brand, ECW, which premieres tomorrow night at 10 o'clock, 9 o'clock Central on Sci Fi. ECW's representative, Paul Heyman made it very clear at the, at the top of the show, in which Mr. Heyman stated that we have a new WWE Champion, and his name is Rob Van Dam. Not withstanding the recreation of this third brand, there, there're other things I would like to discuss with you tonight. That is, what happened to the, the chairman of the board last week here on Raw. It's one thing for me to establish a kiss my ass club. It's quite another for someone who is to join to turn that around, kick me in the guts, wrench my arms behind my back, and drive me down to the canvas, thus exposing my dairy air in an involuntary basis. There were children who watch this show. I want Triple H to think about that. And something else I want Triple H to think about is what happened to his buddy not long ago, Shawn Michaels. When Shawn Michaels crossed my path, I sent the Spirit Squad on Mr. Michaels. All five of them. Mr. Michaels is no longer in action. So tonight, Triple H must be taught a lesson. A lesson he will never forget. And yes, I will once again use the Spirit Squad to teach that lesson. However tonight, what happened to Shawn Michaels was just too quick. Tonight will be slow. Tonight I'm gonna dismember Triple H limb by limb, until there's absolutely nothing left in a gauntlet match. All five members of the Spirit Squad dismembering Triple H. So tonight, after it's all over, I assure you, Triple H will in fact, reunited with Shawn Michaels. On the highway to hell!