Piper quotes from WrestleMania

If I wanted to come for a picnic, T, I would've packed a lunch.

You know, Brother Love, with them cute little knees like that, your hair all breezed back, that cute little flower there, and that tie, the only thing that bothers me is that your face is red, and I don't know if that's high blood pressure, or you're just scared to death of me.

You can't scare me.

Well so far, we know he's a liar.

Is there anything about you at all that may be from Scotland?

I'm a little bit Scotch.

If you're a little bit Scotch, then— Scotch, did you say?

Yeah, Scotch.

Scotch is what a Scotsman drinks. Now if you are any part of you a Scotsman, then...under that skirt there...

This is a kilt.

No, no, this here's a kilt; that's a dress, baby.

That looks more like a dress.

I'll bite your face off if you do that. Tell me. If you are a real Scotsman, then you don't got nothin' under that kilt there, do you? Huh? No, I mean it! If you are a real Scotsman, there ain't a lick of thing under there. Excuse me, I should rephrase that. I don't mean he hasn't got anything under the kilt, I should say you're not wearing anything. We all know you ain't got nothin' under there!

You know, there was, a long time ago, there was a great bass tenor, and he was your father. He was an Irish tenor. His name wasn't Downey. Why do you call yourself Morton Downey Jr.?

That's the name your mama wanted to call me from the husband who reared me.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my. Funny guy. Okay. Tell me something, Mr. Downey. You used to have all these nasty warts all over your face—big, nasty green ones. The only thing you could go out with was a guy who rang bells and used to walk [with hunchback] hello, nice to see ya. What happened to the warts?

I gave them to a homeless warthog.

I didn't know your girlfriend was homeless.

I'm gonna ask you one more time, please don't blow the smoke in my face. I'm talking to a guy, this is the guy here that said...[Morton takes a puff and blows it out towards the audience] Thank you very much, that's mighty white of you. This is the guy here... [Morton takes another puff, and immediately turns and blows in Piper's face] You know, that's, like, the fourth time you've done that, and I'm goin' say this to you again: Don't blow no more smoke in my face. Do you understand that?

Try it. Try it. You'll like it. [Morton slowly blows in Piper's face, who takes it in] You like it? That good? Think about that. That's good. That's good. That's good for you, that's healthy. Look, you could live as long as I have.

You know something? You know, wait a second. I judged you wrong! That's true, that was kind of nice. Gave me that kind of aromas, early goat's flavor in my lungs, made my skin yellow. You know, would you happen to have one of those for me? I'd like to smoke one of them. Would you mind just lighting up one of them puppies, and give it on over to ol' Hot Rod here, would you? Do that for me. [As Morton's back in turned, Piper lifts and replaces a stool, revealing a fire extinguisher, which Piper picks up] Yo, Mr. Downey, give me that smoke, would ya?

I think the fire's out, Jess.