Piper and Morton in “Unfinished Business”

You know, there was, a long time ago, there was a great bass tenor, and he was your father. He was an Irish tenor. His name wasn't Downey. Why do you call yourself Morton Downey Jr.?

That's the name your mama wanted to call me from the husband who reared me.

Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my. Funny guy. Okay. Tell me something, Mr. Downey. You used to have all these nasty warts all over your face—big, nasty green ones. The only thing you could go out with was a guy who rang bells and used to walk [with hunchback] hello, nice to see ya. What happened to the warts?

I gave them to a homeless warthog.

I didn't know your girlfriend was homeless.