Herb Tarlek quotes from WKRP in Cincinnati

Les

It says here my audience share of men 65 and over went down six points.

Herb

Let's face it Les--your audience is dying off.

Jennifer

Why Herb, this is a really fine French wine!

Herb

Is it? Well, I told the guy to give me the best he's got in the store without going over fourteen bucks.

Where'd you get a jacket like that? I mean, do they sell them somewhere?

Herb

Of course, they sell them somewhere.

Where?

Herb

Yeah. I tell you, you tell somebody else, pretty soon the whole world is dressing like me.

I know what you're thinking, Herb. You're thinking God didn't make me this way. Well, God didn't make polyester either. You know what I'm saying, Herb?

Herb

I know what you're saying, I have no idea what it means.

Herb

Mother Carlson, how nice to see you, what a lovely surprise!

Down, boy.

Herb

Yes, ma'am.

Herb

She threatened to set the whole city on fire by setting matches to my suit.

Bailey

Herb, did you order those petitions?

Herb

No. What do you think of that?

Bailey

Andy, do you have any matches?

Herb

Suppose I were to tell you that I've been having serious troubles at home?

Andy

Is that true?

Herb

No. But if it were true, my behavior would be acceptable, right?

Andy

Well, maybe, Herb, but that's not the point.

Herb

Sure, it's the point! Acceptable behavior. I mean, why is it okay for certain people to come floating in here on God knows what, but if I have one little drink --

Andy

I don't care what people's hobbies are, but I do care when it starts to affect their work, and I don't care who they are, if they start blowing it.

Herb

So what do you want?

Andy

I want you to shape up.

Herb

So what's new, Travis?

Bailey

Well, we could play Strip Monopoly. You could give us your coat, Herb!

Herb

Huh?

Jennifer

That's fine. I'll take the coat.

Bailey

Guess which item of apparel comes next?

Jennifer

Whoo!

Herb

Is this what women's liberation is all about? Humiliation?

Bailey

No. We just heard you had great legs.

Herb

[smiles and starts to unbutton his coat] Who told you?

Bailey

Les.

Herb

I'm telling you, without that "Greenhouse effect," we'd all freeze to death.

Les

Not so!

Herb

Les, it would be one hundred degrees below zero at night!

Les

Where are we going?

Herb

To be among the living, Les.

Les

But I was going to Omaha!

Les

What is an executrix?

Herb

I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that.

Herb

Hey, Jenny, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I am that that Colonel guy bought the farm. Hey, he had a long life, a lot of dough, he got to go out with you, caught the big bus while he was eating in the best joint in town. Not bad, if you ask me!

Jennifer

[Smiling] Sometimes I really like you, Herb. You really have a way with words.

Herb

Hey. I'm in sales!

Herb

Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.

Venus

Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.

Herb

I wasn't trying to hide anything!

Andy

Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.

Venus

Human.

Herb

Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?

Venus

Where'd you get that speech?

Herb

Read it on a T-Shirt.

Well, Herb, what do you think? What we have here is an ad for Soul Suds Shampoo, a shampoo that's exclusively marketed to the hip black customer. Am I right?

Herb

Yes, sir.

Then why are we looking at a picture of this really idiotic-looking white man?

Herb

[into the phone] You call yourselves printers? There were fifty photos of a black guy in a tuxedo holding a bottle of shampoo, and one photo of a white guy barbecuing, and you used the white guy! ... I don't care which photo I marked. I made the mistake and you people were supposed to catch it, that's what I pay you for. Don't you remember? I screw up everything! You should know that if it comes from me, it's wrong!