Andy Travis quotes from WKRP in Cincinnati

Herb

Suppose I were to tell you that I've been having serious troubles at home?

Andy

Is that true?

Herb

No. But if it were true, my behavior would be acceptable, right?

Andy

Well, maybe, Herb, but that's not the point.

Herb

Sure, it's the point! Acceptable behavior. I mean, why is it okay for certain people to come floating in here on God knows what, but if I have one little drink --

Andy

I don't care what people's hobbies are, but I do care when it starts to affect their work, and I don't care who they are, if they start blowing it.

Herb

So what do you want?

Andy

I want you to shape up.

Herb

So what's new, Travis?

Andy

Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.

Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.

Johnny

They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church, playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "there's a naughty word!"

Andy

We have a responsibility to our listeners!

Johnny

Right! If I die, who's gonna teach the children about Bo Diddley?

Les

Johnny! Venus! You're alive!

Johnny

The newsman's eye. You just can't fool it.

Les

Well, that's wonderful.

Venus

Gee thanks, Les.

Les

Of course, I'll have to update my story. How'd you like it, Andy?

Andy

How'd I like what, Les?

Les

My four o'clock news report. Didn't you listen?

Andy

Les, the transmitter blew up!

Les

Of course! That was my lead!

Johnny

You led off the newscast by telling them that we're off the air?

Les

No. But I can include that in my update.

Andy

You're paranoid.

Johnny

Hey, Travis, when everybody is out to get you, paranoid is just good thinking!

Next week I'll just take a little vacation, take Herb and Les with me - maybe Johnny too, you can never tell what he's gonna do...

Andy

Wait a minute, you can't just clear out the station!

Why not? Just bring him here, introduce him to Jennifer, she'll wink at him a few times and he goes home.

Andy

And what if he is a she?

Well then you wink at him.

Venus

Andy's dating Mrs Carlson!

Andy

Don't tell anybody!

Venus

Andy's not dating Mrs Carlson!

Johnny

Which one, his wife or his mother?

Andy

His mother. What kind of guy do you think I am?

Johnny

Gee, Travis, I don't know!

Where do they go, anyway, Travis?

Andy

What's that, sir?

The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.

Herb

Watch out for those reporters, they'll tear you to pieces. I mean, they already have their story, and then they come up here with this pre-conceived notion and put a hatchet right in your back. Remember last year when I was on that TV show? They killed me.

Venus

Yeah, but I'm not trying to hide anything.

Herb

I wasn't trying to hide anything!

Andy

Come on, Herbert, you were trying to pretend you were something you're not.

Venus

Human.

Herb

Aren't we all trying to hide something? And in the larger sense, isn't that what makes us human?

Venus

Where'd you get that speech?

Herb

Read it on a T-Shirt.

Andy

Les, your stories always seem to have a kind of a, uh... how shall I put this?

Johnny

Barnyard aroma?

Andy

[as Bailey is leaving] Bailey?

Bailey

Hm?

Andy

You ever do that again, you'll be the best-looking reporter on the unemployment line.

Bailey

Right.

Bailey

"Best-looking?"

Bailey

Ooh. [smiles and departs]

Venus

Couldn't I have a cosmic name for a boy, like Pluto!

Andy

That's a dog's name.

Venus

Mercury.

Andy

That guy brings flowers. Now listen. What do you think of when you hear the name "Venus?"

Venus

Flytrap.

Johnny

Here's how we do it. We go into the supermarket. [to Bailey] You create a ruckus in the produce section. [to Venus] You grab the poster, slip it under your jacket, we're out the door!

Bailey

What kind of ruckus?

Johnny

I don't know, uh, something with mangoes.

Bailey

Mangoes?

Andy

[entering] Hey, Venus, don't worry about the posters; they'll be out of the supermarkets by tomorrow.

Venus

Thank goodness.

Bailey

Oh, too bad. I was just getting a mental picture of me and those mangoes.

Johnny

Yeah...?

Andy

Can you give me three solid reasons why Les should be fired?

Yes—he's incompetent, unprofessional, and very weird.