Les Nessman quotes from WKRP in Cincinnati

Les

It says here my audience share of men 65 and over went down six points.

Herb

Let's face it Les--your audience is dying off.

Andy

There are thousands of stations in this country with women on the air.

Les

As disk jockeys, yes. But this is news, Travis, news - important stuff.

Andy

What about Barbara Walters?

Les

I 'west' my case.

Les

Now about the format. Whenever possible I always try to lead with the hog futures, particularly in the morning.

Bailey

Why?

Les

Because, Bailey, that's what people are interested in.

Bailey

Yeah, but what if a really big story is breaking?

Les

Well, that's when you have to use your news judgment. There will always be exceptions. For instance, when President Richard Milhous Nixon resigned, I led the news with that story. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.

Well, let's hear it.

Les

Well, we were all right here, just as we are now, discussing this new show with Sparky, except you didn't look like yourself, Mr. Carlson. You looked more like a large... muffin.

Jennifer

Muffin?

Les

Yes, a nice breakfast muffin. And you said that you had an exciting announcement.

Well?

Les

Well, you sang it. [Singing] "I'm a big fat muffin that loves to eat, a big fat muffin that has no feet. But most of all, I'm a big fat muffin that loves to explode." And then you did.

Les

[Mrs. Nedelman] doesn't like for me to have lady guests.

It must be terrible to have such an awful landlady living right next door!

Les

Oh, she's not my landlady, she's my tenant. I own this duplex.

Rather than put an old lady, or even a dog, out in the street, you just take it. What a man you are, Les Nessman.

Les

Why are we all here on this planet?

Jennifer

As opposed to where, Les?

Les

Travis, the very first day you came to this station you promised to get me a helicopter.

Andy

I know I did, Les, but that was a long time ago and I was lying.

Les

Everybody around here thinks I'm crazy! Fortunately, you know better than that.

Jennifer

[silence]

Les

Fortunately, you know better than that.

Les

[about Jennifer's house] My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.

Jennifer

Really?

Les

Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.

It's your radical affiliations, Mr. Nessman.

Andy

What radical affiliations?

Les

Well, I am a member of the Hoedown Square-Dancing Club.

Herb

I'm telling you, without that "Greenhouse effect," we'd all freeze to death.

Les

Not so!

Herb

Les, it would be one hundred degrees below zero at night!

Les

Somebody must have jimmied the lock!

Johnny

[looking where Les's walls would be] Jimmied it? I think they took the whole door!

Les

Johnny, my space has been violated!

Johnny

Congratulations! It's about time.

Les

Johnny! Venus! You're alive!

Johnny

The newsman's eye. You just can't fool it.

Les

Well, that's wonderful.

Venus

Gee thanks, Les.

Les

Of course, I'll have to update my story. How'd you like it, Andy?

Andy

How'd I like what, Les?

Les

My four o'clock news report. Didn't you listen?

Andy

Les, the transmitter blew up!

Les

Of course! That was my lead!

Johnny

You led off the newscast by telling them that we're off the air?

Les

No. But I can include that in my update.

Les

Where are we going?

Herb

To be among the living, Les.

Les

But I was going to Omaha!