Grace, desperate times call for desperate measures. It's time to get your head out of the dumps and your legs in the air!
S1 E7Where There's a Will, There's No Way
First of all they'll give you a payment plan, which you won't follow. Then they'll garnish your wages, which you don't have. Then they'll take away everything you own... which would be your gym membership. Then... finally, they will put you in jail.
No, no, no. They can't put me in jail, 'cause since I never started paying my taxes, I can continue not paying them. I saw that on television.
On what? The Delusional Channel?
S1 E8The Buying Game
I finally found my life's calling, and it involves these two hands.
Ah. So you're going to be self-employed.
Insert laugh... here. I'm going to be a massage therapist. It was an obvious choice, being that I am a people person. I love people... as long as they're not hairy... or smelly... or have the dreaded bacne, ugh. Okay, I need some guinea pigs. Who's interested?
Smelly.
Hairy.
Thank you, friends.
Bacne. Oh, who am I kidding? It's alabaster from my neck to my ass. I just don't want to do it.
You know what the funny part is? [laughs] There is no funny part! My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt, it's not even... funny. I mean, what am I doing taking on a mortgage? I mean, my life is already a mess. I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license, I'm not married, I live with a gay guy...
Grace...
I haven't had sex in five months! And I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting in line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity-looking thing... bumps into me and says, "Excuse me...Ma'am." [sobs.]
You know what the funny part is? [laughs] There is no funny part! My life is so unfunny, Mr. Hutt, it's not even...funny. I mean, what am I doing taking on a mortgage? I mean, my life is already a mess. I'm still renting an apartment, I don't have a driver's license, I'm not married, I live with a gay guy...
Grace...
I haven't had sex in 5 months! And I was in Bloomingdale's this morning waiting in line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer Love Michelle Sarah Felicity looking thing...bumps into me and says, "Excuse me...Ma'am." [sobs]
Gracie, don't do it if it's making you feel this way. It's not worth it.
Do I look like a "ma'am"?!
HMr. Hutt
I'm sorry, Miss Adler. I had no idea.
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Hutt. I'm sorry you had to see me this way.
HMr. Hutt
Look, it's not much, but perhaps I could lower the price a bit more. Think about it, OK? [leaves]
[abruptly stops crying] Now look at me and tell me and I'm not a good businesswoman.
S1 E9The Big Vent
I thought I would cook Shepherd's Pie.
Pray tell, Julia Child, what's in Shepherd's Pie?
Um... shepherds? Sheep? Pie?
[On the phone] Rosario. Hi, honey. Listen, I'm running a little late. Yeah, things are muy loco at the oficina. Mmm, listen, I'm gonna need you to feed the kids and read 'em something before bedtime... Well, I don't know, honey. Why don't you read them that book they love? "Green Eggs and I'm Hammered." No, Rosario, now why would I want to speak to them?
S1 E10The Truth About Will and Dogs
Grace, the bitch we hate is on line one.
I... love this dog! We totally bonded. We just sat there together in the park. He checked out butts. I checked out butts.
S1 E11Will on Ice
Jada Pinkett.
Mmm.
Hate her.
Wow, that's kinda harsh. I mean, she's not very...
Will, you know the rules. Love or hate. No gray area, just like life.
Hate her.
Good boy.
Honey, did you try Balthazar?
Karen, Steak & Brew are spitting at me through the phone. How would I get a table there?
Oh, Grace, I am your assistant. Now, I may not be a whiz at the...[points]
Computer.
Or know how to work the...[points]
Fax.
But, honey, I do know how to get where I need to be. Now hand me the--
Phone.
Well, honey, I would have gotten that one.
I don't like Grace.
What are you talking about? You like Grace!
I'm sort of not into her right now.
"Sort of not into her"? She's a person, not tandoori chicken.
S1 E12My Fair Maid-y
Gosh, I don't think I've ever been stressed out. I mean, why would I be? I got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze, and I got a killer rack! Good morning!
Oh, when you smile, you have the cutest little wrinkle right there!
Where? [runs to mirror]
Feel that? That's stress.
[to the maid] At least Mary Poppins did it with a song and a dance -- you're like a spoonful of whoopass!
[to the maid] You know, Mary Poppins got the same message across, but she did it in a nice little musical number. You're like...you're like a spoonful of whoop-ass!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Will & Grace pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.