I ain't goin' to class, man. I ain't never goin' to class.
Where you goin' then?
I don't know, uh, into the religious life.
Brother Epstein, huh? I can see the headlines: 'Puerto Rican Jew enters monastery, becomes the first 'Schlamonk.'
S1 E8One of Our Sweathogs Is Missing
S1 E9Mr. Kotter, Teacher
You went to the library where they keep the books?
Yeah. And for three whole days we spent lookin' up what you call legal 'presidents'.
I'm a teacher. That's what it says on my locker, "Mr. Kotter, teacher." And I'm teaching a bunch of students called Sweathogs. Now, contrary to popular opinion, Sweathogs are not dumb. I mean, a dumb person does not think of a way to make it rain in the gymnasium.
I did that.
S1 E10The Reunion
LLyle
Gabe, all through school I wanted to be a Sweathog, but dirt never stuck to me. I was... too perfect.
MFMary Frances
It's lovely being perfect.
LLyle
It's boring being perfect. It's boring being rich. I have five boring bedrooms.
MFMary Frances
Am I included in those five boring bedrooms?
LLyle
Mary Frances, no one has a headache for seven years!
I have a bad case of Lyle Flannigan.
When did you first notice that something was wrong with your Flannigan?
S1 E11Barbarino's Girl
[Kotter asks Freddie where his report card is]
My momma's got it, you dig? Yeah!
I dig it! Didn't she sign it?
Heh, no. She just took it in her left hand, and then she hit me upside my head with her right. See, man, and then, and then, she threw a chair at me. And then she tried to cave my back in with a TV set!
All right, all right, have your father sign it.
You crazy? He's the one with the bad temper!
JJudy
You know, Vinnie, you're so low, you could crawl under a pregnant ant!
That's a good one, Vinnie.
Oh, yeah? Well, listen, Blimpo, you better watch yourself, or I'll let the air out of your dress.
JJudy
You know, Vinnie, you're so low, you could crawl under a pregnant ant!
That's a good one, Vinnie.
Oh, yeah? Well, listen, Blimpo, you better watch yourself, or I'll let the air out of your dress.
Hey, Judy, I understand there's three kids in your family...one of each. Barbarino, I understand when you was born, they took one look at your face and then they turned you over and said, "Hey, look, twins."
S1 E12California Dreamin
What's your first name?
BBambi
It's Bambi. [giggling] But, uh, my friends call me Sunshine.
Well, uh, let the sunshine in, darlin'!
BBambi
Didn't we live together in another life?
Oh...oh, I would have remembered that!
BBambi
[giggling] Oh, he's magic!
Yeah, maybe one day he'll disappear.
S1 E13Arrividerci, Arnold
Has it occurred to any of you that by trying to help Horshack, you're hurting him? You're not giving him a chance to prove himself outside the Sweathogs. You gotta let him try and make new friends.
Something wrong with his old friends?
Yeah, you couldn't give friends like us away.
You got a point there, Epstein.
[to Horshack] You know, I never really thought I would miss you, but you sort of grow on a guy... like mold.
S1 E14The Longest Weekend
I happen to know this girl. She's a little too, uh, old for me. She's nineteen. But believe me, she's ready to trot!
Ready to trot?
Yeah.
Then take her out to Yonkers Raceway.
Well, you had your little fun, now, Arnold. Now you're gonna fold, right?
Ep-stine, I think it's high time I made a stand! [stands up]
Horshack!
I fold! [sits back down]
S1 E15The Sit-In
I got my own idea of what God is like: I know he's a sharp dresser, and he's good-looking, and of course he's Italian.
Yeah? Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive. God is backed up by a jazz rhythm section. He got a piano, a bass guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Welcome Back, Kotter pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.