Just think of a debate as sort of a, um, rumble with words.
You mean like, 'Up your nose with a garden hose?'
S1 E1The Great Debate
This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate.
This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate?
I wore this coat when my father, Lincoln, beat the daylights out of my brother, Douglas!
S1 E2Basket Case
You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
I can't do that. You see, my wife has an exclusive on my entire body. She'd be disturbed if I came home with a pre-scratched back.
Do I look like Miss Fishbeck, the art teacher?
Only around the moustache.
S1 E3Welcome Back
James Buchanan is not anywhere. It's in Bensonhurst, which is in Brooklyn, which is where I spent four degenerate years as a student. You know how rough that is? The gangs there don't use guns. They insert the bullets manually.
Hey, look, we can't stay long, we got a cab waiting downstairs.
You took a cab?
We're gonna give it back.
You stole a cab?
No, no, no, no. It's Horshack's father's cab. You can't steal a guy's father's cab. You can't.
Then why'd we tie him up, Vinnie?
S1 E4Whodunit?
So nobody did it. I think we should put a candle in the window, because the last time this happened, three wise men came from the east.
[Kotter comes in the class after the bell rings]
You're late.
That's your fourth tardy this semester.
Did you bring a note from your mommy? [Horshack laughs]
GGabe
Boy, what an honor, in my class, all four Marx brothers: Wacko, Stupo, Jerko, and Dummo.
S1 E5The Election
I feel like this is just the beginning. Today, Buchanan, tomorrow, who knows? Governor Barbarino, Senator Barbarino, Emperor Barbarino! [Sweathogs cheer] You know, Julius Caesar was an Italian.
Vinnie's not the first Sweathog who ever ran.
No, that's right. Back in 1962, Jerry Slater was disqualified for stuffing the ballot box... with his opponent.
S1 E6No More Mister Nice Guy
Can anybody tell me who settled New Jersey?
Ooh! Ooh ooh! Is New Jersey settled?
Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for more than 250 years.
Ha! You never been to Newark on a Saturday night!
Now today, we will discuss the Revolutionary War. Now, who can tell me where that war started? Mr. Washington?
Right. [whispers to Kotter] What's the answer?
[whispering] Lexington and--
Right. [stands up, clears throat] Lexington Avenue. Probably near 129th Street, by that barbecue, man. It's a tough neighborhood. A lot of wars went on over there.
S1 E7Classroom Marriage
You're not our friend. You're nothing but a teacher.
Why can't I be your teacher and your friend?
It don't work that way, Kotter. You see, in this vast universe of ours, people are divided into two groups, us and them. You're them.
The world is divided into two parts--us and them. They're them! And come to think of it, you're them too.
Yeah? Well, thank you. [in Groucho voice] That's the nicest remark I ever hoid.
S1 E8One of Our Sweathogs Is Missing
Maybe Epstein has decided that there's more to being a man that winning or losing a fight. That manliness is not measured by the amount of macho a guy's got.
Right you are, Mr. Kotter! I get along without any macho at all.
Yeah, I'm holdin' it for him 'till he gets older.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Welcome Back, Kotter pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.