Julie Kotter quotes from Welcome Back, Kotter

Kotter

James Buchanan is not anywhere. It's in Bensonhurst, which is in Brooklyn, which is where I spent four degenerate years as a student. You know how rough that is? The gangs there don't use guns. They insert the bullets manually.

Kotter

So nobody did it. I think we should put a candle in the window, because the last time this happened, three wise men came from the east.

Julie

[to Kotter about the Sweathogs] They're not students, they're inmates! And you are the head cuckoo!

Kotter

[about the Sweathogs] You guys look like a delinquent Mount Rushmore.

Kotter

Epstein, wait! You can't go to Nebraska! They won't let you past Philadelphia without a passport!

Julie

[as the babies cry] Okay, girls, now here's the deal. You can either go to sleep, or you can wash the dishes! [babies stop crying] I knew you'd take the easy way out.

Kotter

Just think of a debate as sort of a, um, rumble with words.

Vinnie

You mean like, 'Up your nose with a garden hose?'

Freddie

This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate.

Kotter

This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate?

Freddie

I wore this coat when my father, Lincoln, beat the daylights out of my brother, Douglas!

Vinnie

You scratch my back, I scratch yours.

Kotter

I can't do that. You see, my wife has an exclusive on my entire body. She'd be disturbed if I came home with a pre-scratched back.

Kotter

Do I look like Miss Fishbeck, the art teacher?

Epstein

Only around the moustache.

Epstein

Hey, look, we can't stay long, we got a cab waiting downstairs.

Kotter

You took a cab?

Epstein

We're gonna give it back.

Kotter

You stole a cab?

Vinnie

No, no, no, no. It's Horshack's father's cab. You can't steal a guy's father's cab. You can't.

Horshack

Then why'd we tie him up, Vinnie?

Kotter

Vinnie's not the first Sweathog who ever ran.

No, that's right. Back in 1962, Jerry Slater was disqualified for stuffing the ballot box... with his opponent.

Kotter

Can anybody tell me who settled New Jersey?

Horshack

Ooh! Ooh ooh! Is New Jersey settled?

Kotter

Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for more than 250 years.

Epstein

Ha! You never been to Newark on a Saturday night!

Now today, we will discuss the Revolutionary War. Now, who can tell me where that war started? Mr. Washington?

Freddie

Right. [whispers to Kotter] What's the answer?

Kotter

[whispering] Lexington and--

Freddie

Right. [stands up, clears throat] Lexington Avenue. Probably near 129th Street, by that barbecue, man. It's a tough neighborhood. A lot of wars went on over there.

Vinnie

You're not our friend. You're nothing but a teacher.

Kotter

Why can't I be your teacher and your friend?

Epstein

It don't work that way, Kotter. You see, in this vast universe of ours, people are divided into two groups, us and them. You're them.