Juan Epstein quotes from Welcome Back, Kotter

Juan

Okay now, watchin' a fight I ain't in– It makes me nervous.

Epstein

[about spending so long in the bathroom] I'm just enjoying a few moments of privacy, you know? I mean, when you got nine brothers and sisters like I got, the only time you get to use the bathroom by yourself is on your birthday!

Epstein

When my mother was pregnant, she used to want hot peppers, you know? Every day, hot peppers, hot peppers, hot peppers. When we was born, the first thing we asked for was a glass of water!

Epstein

Juan Epstein don't run from nobody. I mean, I've worked over more faces than a plastic sturgeon.

Epstein

Look, Mr. Woodman, you yank me off that paper, you're gonna lose a great deal of advertising retinue!

Kotter

Do I look like Miss Fishbeck, the art teacher?

Epstein

Only around the moustache.

Epstein

Hey, look, we can't stay long, we got a cab waiting downstairs.

Kotter

You took a cab?

Epstein

We're gonna give it back.

Kotter

You stole a cab?

Vinnie

No, no, no, no. It's Horshack's father's cab. You can't steal a guy's father's cab. You can't.

Horshack

Then why'd we tie him up, Vinnie?

Vinnie

You're late.

Freddie

That's your fourth tardy this semester.

Epstein

Did you bring a note from your mommy? [Horshack laughs]

Boy, what an honor, in my class, all four Marx brothers: Wacko, Stupo, Jerko, and Dummo.

Kotter

Can anybody tell me who settled New Jersey?

Horshack

Ooh! Ooh ooh! Is New Jersey settled?

Kotter

Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for more than 250 years.

Epstein

Ha! You never been to Newark on a Saturday night!

Vinnie

You're not our friend. You're nothing but a teacher.

Kotter

Why can't I be your teacher and your friend?

Epstein

It don't work that way, Kotter. You see, in this vast universe of ours, people are divided into two groups, us and them. You're them.

Epstein

I ain't goin' to class, man. I ain't never goin' to class.

Kotter

Where you goin' then?

Epstein

I don't know, uh, into the religious life.

Kotter

Brother Epstein, huh? I can see the headlines: 'Puerto Rican Jew enters monastery, becomes the first 'Schlamonk.'

Didn't we live together in another life?

Epstein

Oh...oh, I would have remembered that!

[giggling] Oh, he's magic!

Kotter

Yeah, maybe one day he'll disappear.

Kotter

Has it occurred to any of you that by trying to help Horshack, you're hurting him? You're not giving him a chance to prove himself outside the Sweathogs. You gotta let him try and make new friends.

Vinnie

Something wrong with his old friends?

Epstein

Yeah, you couldn't give friends like us away.

Kotter

You got a point there, Epstein.

Epstein

Well, you had your little fun, now, Arnold. Now you're gonna fold, right?

Horshack

Ep-stine, I think it's high time I made a stand! [stands up]

Epstein

Horshack!

Horshack

I fold! [sits back down]

Kotter

Epstein, what are the advantages of the two-party system?

Epstein

Oh, that's an easy one. In the two-party system, you get to go to two kinds of parties... two kinds of dancin', two kinds of chip dip, and two kinds of hopin' you'll, uh, make out.