Julie Kotter quotes from Welcome Back, Kotter

Woodman

The world is divided into two parts--us and them. They're them! And come to think of it, you're them too.

Kotter

Yeah? Well, thank you. [in Groucho voice] That's the nicest remark I ever hoid.

Kotter

Maybe Epstein has decided that there's more to being a man that winning or losing a fight. That manliness is not measured by the amount of macho a guy's got.

Horshack

Right you are, Mr. Kotter! I get along without any macho at all.

Vinnie

Yeah, I'm holdin' it for him 'till he gets older.

Epstein

I ain't goin' to class, man. I ain't never goin' to class.

Kotter

Where you goin' then?

Epstein

I don't know, uh, into the religious life.

Kotter

Brother Epstein, huh? I can see the headlines: 'Puerto Rican Jew enters monastery, becomes the first 'Schlamonk.'

Kotter

You went to the library where they keep the books?

Vinnie

Yeah. And for three whole days we spent lookin' up what you call legal 'presidents'.

Kotter

I'm a teacher. That's what it says on my locker, "Mr. Kotter, teacher." And I'm teaching a bunch of students called Sweathogs. Now, contrary to popular opinion, Sweathogs are not dumb. I mean, a dumb person does not think of a way to make it rain in the gymnasium.

Vinnie

I did that.

Kotter

I have a bad case of Lyle Flannigan.

Freddie

When did you first notice that something was wrong with your Flannigan?

Freddie

My momma's got it, you dig? Yeah!

Kotter

I dig it! Didn't she sign it?

Freddie

Heh, no. She just took it in her left hand, and then she hit me upside my head with her right. See, man, and then, and then, she threw a chair at me. And then she tried to cave my back in with a TV set!

Kotter

All right, all right, have your father sign it.

Freddie

You crazy? He's the one with the bad temper!

You know, Vinnie, you're so low, you could crawl under a pregnant ant!

Kotter

That's a good one, Vinnie.

Vinnie

Oh, yeah? Well, listen, Blimpo, you better watch yourself, or I'll let the air out of your dress.

You know, Vinnie, you're so low, you could crawl under a pregnant ant!

Kotter

That's a good one, Vinnie.

Vinnie

Oh, yeah? Well, listen, Blimpo, you better watch yourself, or I'll let the air out of your dress.

Kotter

Hey, Judy, I understand there's three kids in your family...one of each. Barbarino, I understand when you was born, they took one look at your face and then they turned you over and said, "Hey, look, twins."

Kotter

What's your first name?

It's Bambi. [giggling] But, uh, my friends call me Sunshine.

Freddie

Well, uh, let the sunshine in, darlin'!

Didn't we live together in another life?

Epstein

Oh...oh, I would have remembered that!

[giggling] Oh, he's magic!

Kotter

Yeah, maybe one day he'll disappear.

Kotter

Has it occurred to any of you that by trying to help Horshack, you're hurting him? You're not giving him a chance to prove himself outside the Sweathogs. You gotta let him try and make new friends.

Vinnie

Something wrong with his old friends?

Epstein

Yeah, you couldn't give friends like us away.

Kotter

You got a point there, Epstein.

Vinnie

I happen to know this girl. She's a little too, uh, old for me. She's nineteen. But believe me, she's ready to trot!

Kotter

Ready to trot?

Vinnie

Yeah.

Kotter

Then take her out to Yonkers Raceway.

Kotter

Hello, Arnold. Haven't you noticed you're wearing a green plastic bag?

Horshack

I'm disguised as a green bean.

Kotter

[in deep voice] Ho, ho, ho...and how are things in the valley, Little Sprout?

Horshack

[in high-pitched voice] Fine and dandy, Jolly Green Giant! How's your niblets?

Kotter

Epstein, what are the advantages of the two-party system?

Epstein

Oh, that's an easy one. In the two-party system, you get to go to two kinds of parties... two kinds of dancin', two kinds of chip dip, and two kinds of hopin' you'll, uh, make out.