A character in Welcome Back, Kotter
Played by Marcia Strassman
Welcome Back, Kotter · 91 quotes
Most-quoted character in Welcome Back, Kotter: in 59 of its 91 quotes
Most scenes with: Juan Epstein (19), Vinnie Barbarino (14), Freddie Washington (13)
KotterAll right, Epstein, come on. Let's have it so we can get to work.
What?
KotterOne of your famous notes that'll read something like, 'Please excuse Juan for being late. He was kidnapped by the jet set and left tied up on a lawn in Hyannis Port.' Signed...
Epstein's mother!
Mr. Epstein just doesn't have the numbers! I have no other answer for him!
KotterYeah? Well, I have an answer for you, lady--up your nose with your computer hose! And twice as far with a chocolate bar!
KotterWhat would have happened if George Washington quit, huh? If Abraham Lincoln quit? What would have happened if Murray Cornfeld quit?
I ain't never heard of no Murray Cornfeld!
KotterYou know why you never heard of him? 'Cause he quit!
Hey, I got an idea, listen to this. ISB.
KotterISB?
In-School Betting. Yeah. It's about time we get bettin' off the streets, into the school here, where it belongs! [Sweathogs cheer]
KotterAre you kiddin'? I'll lay you 5-2 that'll never happen.
I'll take that bet.
KotterJulie, baby, did I ever tell you about my uncle Ben?
JulieNo. Did he make rice?
An integer is a counting number. If the sequence is 1,2; 2,3; 3,4; etc., the integer is apparent.
KotterIt's apparent to who?
So find the value of 'X'?
Kotter'X'? I don't know.
Right! 'X' is unknown! So what's 'Y'?
Kotter'Y'?
Where?
[Epstein and Freddie bring the blackboard from the class into the Kotters' apartment]
KotterYou guys can't do things like this. It's against the law. It's robbery! It's five to ten!
[holding an alarm clock] Nah, its ten to ten.
Hey, besides, we tend to think of it as... creative borrowing.
You know, Mr. Kotter, prayer is good for you.
KotterOh, I know that, Vinnie, I know. I prayed all morning, the whole time I was on the subway comin' to work. I prayed that we'd get to my stop before the two guys who were kickin' the conductor noticed me.
[to Vinnie] You got as much chance being a priest as I do gettin' the lead in the school production of Snow White.
Yeah, and Freddie was the best one who read for the part. But, me and Horshack, see, we're still up for dwarfs.
Yeah. Guess who's gonna play Dopey?
KotterIf I was casting, I'd have a rough time choosing.
We're gonna take all this money, we're gonna put it in the bank. We're gonna all be typhoons.
KotterThat's, uh, tycoons.
No, typhoons. 'Cause at the end of the year, we gonna all blow it!
KotterEpstein, take the stand.
Do I gotta?
That's right. This court does not recognize notes from your mother.
Kotter[to Carvelli] Hey! Enough of this lip service here. I came here for some action! Who's the first guy that wants to lose control of his face?
[to Kotter] Will you cool it?
Who is that guy?
Him? He's our teacher.
[about Kotter] Teacher? This is a tough school.
...
That's the oldest punk I ever saw.
I'm not a punk; I'm the vice principal.
Vice principal? This is a tough school.
I went to a wax museum once. I saw Raquel Welch. You know that that wax comes right off in your hands?
KotterNext time wear gloves.
[Epstein gives Kotter a note from the principal saying that he was in conference with him]
KotterWhat are you trying to do to me, Epstein? I know the man's handwriting. This note is legitimate!
Well, in baseball, it's called a change-up, you know? Keeps the hitter guessin'!
KotterI had to decide whether or not I was gonna let junk food rule my life.
Well, what'd you do?
KotterI went cold turkey.
Cold turkey?
KotterThat's right. For five days, instead of junk food, I ate nothin' but cold turkey!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Welcome Back, Kotter pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
