I'm sorry to say, in your country you have too many guns.
Way too many. But I think we have a little problem, and it's called the Second Amendment. People think it's their birthright, you see.
To give guns to babies?
Well, only in Arizona.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I would like you to understand that in my country, politics is a lot more honest.
In your country, people fuck snow. And I hope you understand that I say that with the utmost respect.
[on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.
Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"?
I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.
I need a stiff fucking drink. In related news, Ray's talking.
Oh, God! To smart people?
He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat try and use an ATM.
[on phone] Amy, the emu has landed. Jonah's in London.
Shit. Maddox must've sent him here to spy or something. Jonah Bond, 00-Fuck-Off.
Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?
This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their mourners."
How about this? "There's a whole lot of guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys."
Holy fucking Christ. What is that, Ray?
RRobb
Right, so unelected... loony has the ear and minge of the Vice President and he says that fat people——no, fat kids, fat kiddies have sinned in a past life!
Yeah. Do you know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? All of America is fat people, that's all we have! All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds!
RRobb
Well we've got fat kids here—well I've got a fat kid, I don't see her very often but that's er, she's um... Right, we'll ambush the Vice President, we'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as devils.
Seriously?
RRobb
[nonchalantly] Yeah.
Oh, my God! You guys are fucking brutal!
RRobb
This calls for a celebration. Come on, I'll get you the first pint at least.
It's called cosmic balance. It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.
Yeah? Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.
I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?
DMDan/Mike/Ben
Yes!
People are disturbed by your role—
Yeah, they think folks that are physical can't be cerebral, they think those two things are separate, that they're not... symbiotic.
No, no, no. You don't understand.
No, I do! I do. Look, people think that, you know, the fitness guy, how can he know about politics? I get you, Kent.
[groans in frustration] Again, I don't think you do. People think Selina's judgement is bad if she listens to people like you, whose beliefs are very stupid.
Because I am people.
Oh, you're not getting it.
You know, the brain is a muscle.
No, it isn't!
[later]
You really don't get it, so I'm going to keep this very simple: you're fired.
I get you. Very simple.
Yes, it is.
Great. I'm so pleased we had this talk. Let's see where we all are in a month or so.
[astounded] This is amazing.
Thank you.
What a fucking misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?
Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.
...Fuck.
I know, right?
I should just go back out there. Did you see that?
Yeah, I saw.
Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?
Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.
No, they don't.
Right.
Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.
Let's get the merry old fuck out of merry old England. Okay, I need to be driven to the airport at Diana speed. Okay, just more carefully, though, please.
Let's check out your chart. Let's see how you're doing, here. Okay. All right. Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. Thirty different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings—that makes sense. Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of mouth. Chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding. Uh... tiny child balls?
Okay, Thornhill knows how to throw a ball, Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but the main targets here are Maddox and Chung.
Well hit Chung with inexperience and Maddox with resignation; actual and general air of.
Yeah, I want their heads on my wall. Actual heads.
God, I love this kind of talk; gets me aroused. [beat] Sorry, I meant "roused". [beat] No, did I mean—I meant "aroused"! Aroused.
I know it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted—does want.
Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
Ben, you're Owen Pierce.
Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.
Don't do the voice, though.
I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.
JJackson
They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
[awkward pause]
What? Oh, my God...
JJackson
Well, maybe—I dunno if it's gonna be Baywatch. There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...
You know, son, you should only talk when someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say "tickle me".
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