Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Ma'am, child care? Children are of no value. Forget child care.
Children are vital, Kenny Rogers. We're not all planning to die alone like you.
I've decided that I'm going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand me? I am letting them do that. Get it?
Yes, ma'am.
Right. But they do not own me!
They really don't, ma'am.
No, they don't!
Okay. Your big day is a travesty, all right? I get it. It's like my 21st birthday, or my 18th birthday, or every other birthday, okay? Your entire life has been leading up to this moment, and as a result of that, my entire life has been awful. Posing for Christmas cards, watching C-SPAN instead of Sesame Street, going to memorials of old Israeli men that I've never even heard of. I have had a hard, lonely, miserable life, and the only thing that is gonna make it worthwhile is if I become the daughter of the next President of the United States. So you need to go out there, and you need to stop behaving like a little bitch.
Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.
Goddammit. [To Gary and Dan] It's okay. Fixed her.
[holding dress] What do you think a theme, like a West Coast feel for tomorrow? I'm calling this Pacific Trim.
You know what "trim" is?
Yeah?
It's twat.
MMelissa
Nature is very important to Clovis. Here is some.
Well how do take care of the roots?
MMelissa
Oh, these are synthetic.
You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever they are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
MMelissa
We have a saying here at Clovis: "dare to fail".
Well that's a job well done.
I'm taking these people back to dial-up, you know what I mean? They think they're kings of America.
Well, in a way they are.
No, they're not!
Okay, I take your point.
I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big brass shiny erection, but I've got news for you, this is kindergarten for cyber-brats. And I'll tell you something else: if you're over 30, check it out. [indicates an elderly cleaner nearby] That's where you're headed my friend, if you work here. I gotta go to the bathroom. Do they have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?
Down the hall, to the right.
I hate this fucking place.
JTJoe Thornhill
[on TV] I'm just an honest Joe, and I like to speak my mind.
[to Ben] How much would I love to speak my mind on this campaign? Can you imagine if I did that? "Mississippi is chock full of assholes, I don't trust the Chinese, and I gotta tell you something. I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life." So how's that for my platform?
Got my vote.
You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette. It's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.
She's gonna ask you for a chamomile. She doesn't want chamomile; she wants peppermint. Okay? She gets a little confused, but do not point it out.
You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.
Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect-
Great.
-ly shit.
Sorry to interrupt, um, there's been a shooting across the street.
Oh.
Yeah. Three people died, one of them was Emily Lafuente.
Emily Lafuente, the journalist? She was a vicious bitch and a fucking drunk. That's sad news.
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