Spider-Man of Earth-12041 quotes from Ultimate Spider-Man

Why the alumni visit, Deadpool?

Long story short. This bad dude, Agent MacGuffin, swiped encrypted S.H.I.E.L.D. files with the secret identities of every known hero. Including mine! And yours. And hers. And his. And his and his.

That’s huge. We should be on that case. Why didn’t Fury tell us?

Word is that Fury left his S.H.I.E.L.D. tablet in a hotel bathroom. [laughs] So you can see why he’d want to be discrete. Now, see I agreed to help even though Fury and me don’t always see eye to eye. Now, do you get that? Eye to eye? Eye to eye! Hm, get it? [laughs]

Yeah, I do eye jokes too.

Plus, you know how busy Fury is. I’m sure he’s doing something important as we speak.

Here’s a thought, how about I come with you? Shadow the old Spidey?

The first Deadpool.

Yeah, Whatever. This MacGuffin thing is serious. And hero graduate or other, I think you could use some backup. And, to be honest, at this exact moment your life sounds way cooler than mine.

Ah, you seek to learn from the master. Today, you become a man. A Spider-Man. See ya, peeps.

You’ve got to be kidding me. You have your own personal jet?

Yup. It was a present from one Tony Stark.

He never gave me a jet. Seriously, from one super dude to another, what’s your secret?

Origin story time! Yeah! Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been a fighter.

How am I in your origin story?

Don’t question greatness. It was like genetic engineering or whatever. I didn’t pay attention in social studies. I was a normal baby for 30 seconds. Then ninjas stole my mama. [crying] Nick Fury saw my awesome, took me in, suckled me on the sweet milk of justice.

Um, ew?

You’re a good listener. I like you. Some advice, ditch Fury. Go freelance, like me. No rules, more fun and money. Lotsa' money.

Wait. You get paid? I get zapped by robots, and you get paid. Freelance hero sounds pretty good.

Oh, shiny. What is that?

You see my spidey-sense? It’s this thing in my brain that warns me of danger.

I’ll give you a thousand bucks for your brain. Wait. Danger?

Dude, what kind of plan was that? If it weren’t for my trusty web-shooters, I’d be bug paste right now.

Ah, so “by the book.” But if you’re gonna go freelance you have to learn to love a little, Spidey.

I think I’ve had enough of you.

Shh.. hush, little hero. Luxuriate in the beat of your heart, the feeling you might puke if someone offered you fish sticks. Steaming hot. I have gum.

I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is.

We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?

Wait, un-alive them?

Yeah. Yeah, here's the thing: I can't really say the "K-word" out loud, it's a weird mental tick. [chuckles] But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes - we'll "K-word" them!

"K-word"? You mean you want to kill them?!

Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them!

We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!

I said no!

Boy, you got a short fuse.

Run!

Break-dancing! What's your hang-up, Webs? See how I did that? Webs, then hanging.

Yeah, I saw what you did. You tried to blow those guys up.

Ugh! Guilt over a little spilt guts. Used to be the same. Bet you have a little angel on your shoulder telling you un-aliving someone is bad.

Psst, that's S.H.I.E.L.D. brainwashing 101. You wanna earn the big bucks ditch the rules for once.

Your not a freelance hero. You're a mercenary. You'll do anything for money. Well, forget it.

Okay, prince goody two webs. That's cool. Righteous. But the bad guys ain't gonna return the favor.

Ow?

Eh, whatevs. You know I gotta healing factor that makes Wolverine go like "I wish I had Deadpool's healing factor bub". It's all in my origin story. "Once a nerdy little kid fell into a radioactive swimming pool and he emerged with incredible powers."

Enough.

Taskmaster

Spider-Man. Nice of you to finally visit my school. But unfortunately I'm no longer accepting any more applicants.

We come for the list of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Taskmaster. And for Agent MacGuffin.

Taskmaster

We who?

Me and Dead, Deadpool!

Taskmaster

Deadpool is here? What?

Boogity-boo! (Maniacal laughter) Did you miss me?

Taskmaster

You! You're out of your mind to come here. I will destroy you.

Dude! How? Taskmaster can copy your moves just by watching you fight!

Maybe your moves, binky. Check it! How do ya like this. I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna get ya. Oh what I tell ya, Oh what I tell ya. Oh shaking my milkshake. Oh yeah. Open up wide taski.

No!

You know sometimes you are just no fun.

We'll discuss our definitions of fun later. Let's get the S.H.I.E.L.D. drive out of here before anyone's secret identity gets revealed.

Oh wait, wait. I wanna watch this one.

Nope.

Oh, come on. I though we bonded. Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum, Aaron Aston, Aaron Atwater!

Are you just keep on yelling names from A-Z until you guess?

No. Barry Barrington.

You're not well.

I know.

Oh, cool. What’s that?

I’m gonna call S.H.I.E.L.D. so they can pick up the file and Taskmaster.

Oops! You broke it.

Hey! What’d you do that for?

Taskmaster

Oh, Spider-Man. If you’d studied with me instead of Fury you might not be so naive. Who do you think I stole the identity list from in the first place?

Agent MacGuffin?

Heh. Confession time. Yeah, it was me.

You?

And there is no Agent MacGuffin. [laughs] And also I stole the list from S.H.I.E.L.D., but Taskmaster swiped it from me when I left my pouches in the potty.

What?

Dude, couldn’t help it. I had Indian food. My legs went numb I was in there so long.

You stole the list? Why?

[laughs] To sell it, silly, ca-ching! I tell you what, ditch Fury and I’ll cut you in for 10%. We’ll be a team. But I get top billing. So, we’re gonna fight, then?

Yeah, pretty much.

Okay... Boom.

Seriously? I hate you, Deadpool.

I know you mean “love.”

Are you outta your mind?

Totally! But I know that list gonna make some supervillain very happy and that's gonna make me very rich. So hand it over and i'll only partially unalive you

Yikes!

Duck.

Oh no piranhas. They’re so bitty. Oh that's so much funnier when it happens to someone else

Booby traps

Ha ha ha. You said traps.

I can't believe I actually looked up to you. You're just as bad as Taskmaster.

Sometimes. Sometimes I'm bad for money, Sometimes I'm good for money. As long as I’m having fun with said money I make my own rules.

You can’t just do whatever you want without the consequences. That’s how people get hurt.

Ugh, come on, you sound just like Fury. Except not as cool. It’ll help you if I pop out your eye.

You’re good... for a total psycho.

[laughs] Oh goody, oh, it’s the insult game, okay. They should call you “elevator operator”. 'Cause you’re bringing me down. Or “tonsils”. 'Cause you’re a pain in the neck. Ba-boosh!

Lame. Next you’ll be telling me to “go soak my head”.

Ah, what a swellegant idea. But it’ll look a lot funnier in my imagination.

What?

Stop doing that. You can’t attack me with puns.

Puns and bullets and pointy things. Yes I can. I’m running the show now. And this is just the tip of the spear.

This fight is getting fishy.

Smooth moves, but I gotta give you the hook.

You can’t just string this along.

Arr, fancy meeting you here, me wee squiggly spider. Fun house!

More like a mad house. You’re getting a kick out of this, aren’t you?

Welcome to the funny farm. Where you belong.

[laughs] Don’t count your chickens just yet.

Don’t you ever take anything seriously? Your S.H.I.E.L.D. training? Fury’s rules? Responsibilities?

Forget S.H.I.E.L.D. Forget Rules. Forget that these shiny sticks are swords and hop right on.

There’s one rule I’ll never forget. I’m throwing the book at you.

Oh, See I knew you had a pouch. Copycat!

With great power, comes great responsibility.

Ugh, that’s not very clever. Or funny...

Massive Morality KO!