Deadpool quotes from Ultimate Spider-Man

It’s Ultimate Deadpool! Yeah. You got 'pooled. Ha-cha.

So you’re fury’s newest guppy. Arachni-boy, right? Big fan, big fan. I follow all your flops on “superhero fails”.

I can fantasy fight ‘til the cows come home.

Well, moving on. I'm on a mission to finding the secret HQ of Taskmaster. The big boss for these cheese clowns. And nothin', but nothin', better get in my way.

What, like the dozen swords in your back?

[laughs] I don't have swords in my...

Yuck. Gonna go hurl now.

Huh, that's gonna leave a mark. Oh, wait. No it isn't. I have a healing factor. Yay me! 'Scuse me while I pull these pot stickers out of my spleen and knock some heads. Deadpool, out.

Fury’s stupid program was totally worth it. I’m telling ya', stick with it and bam, pow, shabang. You too shall might someday defeat half the Latverian army. Like I did, as I’m sure you’ve heard. Plus, I 'stached Doctor Doom.

Nova

You? 'Stached Doctor Doom?

Check it.

I will crush you. Crush. You. All! Why are you laughing? Do I have something on my face. Deadpool!

Ugh, anyone smell barbecued bug?

It’s been kind of a rough day. I’m...

Extremely ripe! Yeesh. Here. Strong enough for a man, but made for a spider.

Ah, you are comedy gold, my friend. Or at least comedy oatmeal. As for me, you already know, I’m Deadpool. Superhero supreme with a side of bam. Nice to see you kept my color scheme when you copied my suit. Am I, like, your idol?

Never heard of you. I designed this costume myself.

Sure. Black and white eyes, red suit. Though you made it your own with the crossword theme. Oh wait. Webs! Those are webs. [laughs] No pouches though. You need pouches. Which reminds me why I’m here. Gotta' use the little boys’ computer.

Why the alumni visit, Deadpool?

Long story short. This bad dude, Agent MacGuffin, swiped encrypted S.H.I.E.L.D. files with the secret identities of every known hero. Including mine! And yours. And hers. And his. And his and his.

That’s huge. We should be on that case. Why didn’t Fury tell us?

Word is that Fury left his S.H.I.E.L.D. tablet in a hotel bathroom. [laughs] So you can see why he’d want to be discrete. Now, see I agreed to help even though Fury and me don’t always see eye to eye. Now, do you get that? Eye to eye? Eye to eye! Hm, get it? [laughs]

Yeah, I do eye jokes too.

Plus, you know how busy Fury is. I’m sure he’s doing something important as we speak.

Here’s a thought, how about I come with you? Shadow the old Spidey?

The first Deadpool.

Yeah, Whatever. This MacGuffin thing is serious. And hero graduate or other, I think you could use some backup. And, to be honest, at this exact moment your life sounds way cooler than mine.

Ah, you seek to learn from the master. Today, you become a man. A Spider-Man. See ya, peeps.

You’ve got to be kidding me. You have your own personal jet?

Yup. It was a present from one Tony Stark.

He never gave me a jet. Seriously, from one super dude to another, what’s your secret?

Origin story time! Yeah! Ever since I can remember, I’ve always been a fighter.

How am I in your origin story?

Don’t question greatness. It was like genetic engineering or whatever. I didn’t pay attention in social studies. I was a normal baby for 30 seconds. Then ninjas stole my mama. [crying] Nick Fury saw my awesome, took me in, suckled me on the sweet milk of justice.

Um, ew?

You’re a good listener. I like you. Some advice, ditch Fury. Go freelance, like me. No rules, more fun and money. Lotsa' money.

Wait. You get paid? I get zapped by robots, and you get paid. Freelance hero sounds pretty good.

Oh, shiny. What is that?

You see my spidey-sense? It’s this thing in my brain that warns me of danger.

I’ll give you a thousand bucks for your brain. Wait. Danger?

Dude, what kind of plan was that? If it weren’t for my trusty web-shooters, I’d be bug paste right now.

Ah, so “by the book.” But if you’re gonna go freelance you have to learn to love a little, Spidey.

I think I’ve had enough of you.

Shh.. hush, little hero. Luxuriate in the beat of your heart, the feeling you might puke if someone offered you fish sticks. Steaming hot. I have gum.

I'm starting to re-think this little field trip. Just tell me what your plan is.

We go into that compound, find Agent MacGuffin, snag the list, then un-alive Taskmaster and his acolytes, capiche?

Wait, un-alive them?

Yeah. Yeah, here's the thing: I can't really say the "K-word" out loud, it's a weird mental tick. [chuckles] But we're gonna destroy them, make them disappear, sleep them with the fishes - we'll "K-word" them!

"K-word"? You mean you want to kill them?!

Whoa, yeah, that does sound bad when you say it out loud. And yes, we're going to un-alive them!

We can't un-alive them. We can't un-alive anyone. Deadpool!

I said no!

Boy, you got a short fuse.

Run!

Break-dancing! What's your hang-up, Webs? See how I did that? Webs, then hanging.

Yeah, I saw what you did. You tried to blow those guys up.

Ugh! Guilt over a little spilt guts. Used to be the same. Bet you have a little angel on your shoulder telling you un-aliving someone is bad.

Psst, that's S.H.I.E.L.D. brainwashing 101. You wanna earn the big bucks ditch the rules for once.

Your not a freelance hero. You're a mercenary. You'll do anything for money. Well, forget it.

Okay, prince goody two webs. That's cool. Righteous. But the bad guys ain't gonna return the favor.

Ow?

Eh, whatevs. You know I gotta healing factor that makes Wolverine go like "I wish I had Deadpool's healing factor bub". It's all in my origin story. "Once a nerdy little kid fell into a radioactive swimming pool and he emerged with incredible powers."

Enough.

Taskmaster

Spider-Man. Nice of you to finally visit my school. But unfortunately I'm no longer accepting any more applicants.

We come for the list of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Taskmaster. And for Agent MacGuffin.

Taskmaster

We who?

Me and Dead, Deadpool!

Taskmaster

Deadpool is here? What?

Boogity-boo! (Maniacal laughter) Did you miss me?

Taskmaster

You! You're out of your mind to come here. I will destroy you.

Dude! How? Taskmaster can copy your moves just by watching you fight!

Maybe your moves, binky. Check it! How do ya like this. I'm gonna get ya, I'm gonna get ya. Oh what I tell ya, Oh what I tell ya. Oh shaking my milkshake. Oh yeah. Open up wide taski.

No!

You know sometimes you are just no fun.

We'll discuss our definitions of fun later. Let's get the S.H.I.E.L.D. drive out of here before anyone's secret identity gets revealed.

Oh wait, wait. I wanna watch this one.

Nope.

Oh, come on. I though we bonded. Wait, let me guess. You're Aaron Applebaum, Aaron Aston, Aaron Atwater!

Are you just keep on yelling names from A-Z until you guess?

No. Barry Barrington.

You're not well.

I know.