My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! [reading letter aloud] "Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you. But some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy, so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no problem, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work."
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I saw Director's Cut, that was fuckin' awesome.
Ricky, that was Blade Runner: The Director's Cut. That's not the name of the movie.
TTerry
Dennis, what the fuck is going on here?
DDennis
Terry, can you do me a fucking favour and just chill out a little bit? All right? Everything is under control. Fuck, j--just chill out for a bit. Just sit down or somethin'.
TTerry
Don't point the fucking gun at me!
DDennis
Put the fucking guns down!
[As the boys continue arguing, Julian unintentionally points the gun at Obaa-Chan as she's walking by with snacks, unaware of (or ignoring) what's going on]
DDennis
Don't point the gun at my grandmother!
I'm just taking a look at it!
[upon seeing his shed piled with liquor bottles]
It's a liquor-lanche!
Cory and Trevor fucked you guys over big time, okay? That's what's going on. They fucked you over big time. They took all your money. It's all gone, you don't own the park. Everything is fucking gone. They took everything, boys.
[brief pause]
[dumbfounded] Dad, I don't know if I understand you right here. You're saying Cory and Trevor...th-they fucked up?
[to Lahey when he says he's sorry] Oh, you're fuckin' sorry, are you? What do you wanna do? Play a big song on the Magdalene? [imitates someone playing a violin with a bow, confusing a mandolin with Mary Magdalene] You're fuckin' sorry? Bullshit you're sorry.
I'm sick of looking after everybody. I mean, right now--I mean, everyone's at my dad's place, fucking using my car. Now he's borrowing my fucking gun. It's bullshit. You know, if he thinks he's better then me, wants to go down, take care of himself, then good, 'cause I don't want to look after him anymore, and I'll look after myself. And when he gets back here, he's gonna see who...fuckin' looks after who...better than...the other person.
Lucy got fake boobs. I mean...it's obvious. I don't mean I was staring at them, but I can't exactly control what direction my eyes go in all the time. I mean, obviously she used our money to buy them anyway, so if you think about it, I sorta own one third of them.
Actually, Sarah, let's go with the milk.
"Let's go with the milk"? What the fuck's that?
Sorry...would you welcome me with a little bit of your precious milk, please? Is that better?
Why? So that you can welcome yourself to all the cereal that I bought?
[Ricky is cooking bacon on the stove in Ray's burnt-down trailer]
Hey, Dad!
Hey, buddy.
Cookin' some bacon for you, buddy.
Smells good, buddy.
There's only three pieces left, but I'll give it to you so long as I can have the grease.
You can have the grease, buddy.
Cool.
Bacon frying and the sparrows chirpin', Rick. It's all about the bacon and the sparrows, buddy.
Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?
I'm talking about the sparrows, Rick. The sparrows in the Bible, buddy. You know, nothing to worry about. I'm not worried, the trailer's burned down, the sparrows aren't worried, nobody's worried.
Sparrows are stupid, Dad. They don't give a fuck about anything.
Exactly my point, Rick. Maybe God forgives you for burning down my trailer, Rick. That's the point I'm trying to make this morning.
Does ol' Goddy-boy forgive you for getting lap dances and playing VLTs?
I don't... What's your point, Rick? There's nothing wrong with playing VLTs and gettin' drunk.
You want some fuckin' bacon or not?
Yes, Rick, I do. Rick, there's another point: we should be thankful for the bacon we're having this morning, because where do you think the bacon came from, Rick?
From a cow.
Hey, Bubbs.
Hey, Ricky. Holy fuck, that bacon smells good! Is there any extra?
Only had a few piece, bud. I gave it to, ah, gave it to the old man.
[Bubbles looks to Ray, who nods "no"]
I'm doin' bread heels and grease, it's pretty good. You want half?
Of an old bread heel?
Yeah, just dip it in the bacon grease. It's fuckin' awesome.
[Ricky holds out the pan. Bubbles reluctantly dips his half of bread heel in the grease.]
You do it too. You're not trickin' me, are ya?
[Bubbles takes a bite, a disgusted look crosses his face]
It's kinda fuckin' dry, Ricky. Have you anything to drink?
A little bit left in that.
[Ricky hands Bubbles a burnt and melted plastic pint of liquor. Bubbles takes a sip and an even more disgusted look crosses his face. He hands it back to Ricky, who downs the rest.]
You still pissed off?
Well, kind of.
The fake check trick works every fuckin' time. Basically, you figure out how much something costs, you just fill out one of the old man's checks like this, and that way if you get caught, you just say everybody who's gonna pay. I mean, mall cops are really dumb compared to real cops. It's gonna be easy. And worst case Ontario, if you get caught, you just cancel the check. You never have to pay. It's awesome!
[Bubbles finds a spacesuit in his rocket kit]
What's this? HOLY FUCK, a spacesuit! DEE-CENT!
No way! Fuckin' deck nulls, man! Check those out!
[Julian brings a coffee cup and dog dish to toast with]
Drinks, boys! Drinks!
[Ricky takes the dog dish]
Well, let's make toast, boys!
To a good fuckin' time today.
This is a good time! [takes a drink] I'm gonna go put my spacesuit on, boys, then let's get this dirty cocksucker in the air!
Bubbles, are you sure we gotta play space here? This is kind of stupid.
Come on, Ricky, look at this! This is awesome! Mission control, this is Commander Bubbles. I'm getting an NPS warning light on the link monitor control subsystem. I'm requesting reallocation to main OMS firing to CDS at level six, please advise.
Copy there, Commander. Reallocating there, Commander Bubbles.
Try some, Ricky!
[sighs] Breaker, breaker, come in, Earth. This is rocketship 27. Aliens fucked over the carbonator in engine number 4, I'm gonna try to refuckulate it and land on Juniper. Uh, hopefully they got some space weed, over. How's that, buddy? I don't fuckin' know!
Ricky, that's not very good. Use space words, real ones, not talkin' about space weed!
Randy, why don't you ask Jim where he's been for the last few nights between three and five or nine and 11:15? Go ahead, ask him where he's going.
Well, he's playing bridge at the hospital, Ray.
Playin' bridge my arse! He's going down to the strip club gettin' drunk every night and tellin' everyone he's off the booze. And you know why, Randy? Because Jim Lahey is a fuckin' drunk, and he always will be!
[Randy grabs Jim's water bottle]
Gimme a drink!
Randy.
Gimme a drink!
Let it go, Randy!
[Randy lets go of the bottle, and it splashes all over him as Jim pulls away. Randy puts his tongue to the liquid that spilled on his hand.]
It's vodka!
131-proof, straight up. I'm fuckin' wasted!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Trailer Park Boys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.