Top Gear quotes

1565 total quotes



[later in the news]
James: Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.
Jeremy: Revs?
James: Revs, yeah.
Jeremy: What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!
James: Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.
Jeremy: You what?
James: My old Porsche's twenty five years old -- I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...
Richard: You worked that out? For -- your -- car? You spent time -- WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do -- what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?
James: It's alright.
Jeremy: Richard -- I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.
Richard: There's your answer!

[May has a coughing fit as the Porsche Panamera appears on the TV.]
Richard: You all right?
James: 'Scuse me - no, I'm going to die now.
Jeremy: Is it this, has this made you feel sick?
James: I was going to say, that's exactly what it is - I looked at that and it nearly killed me, it's so awful.
[...]
Jeremy: What gets me is, who's going to say of this, "No, no, I don't want the Maserati Quattroporte or, what, you know that four-door Lamborghini we had in the studio last week, do you remember? Who's going to say, "No, I want this instead"? That's like being offered the choice of marrying two women, one of them unkind and ugly, and the other beautiful with a heart of gold, and saying, "No, I want the brutal minger."

[meeting up after finding the money they've been given isn't in fact worth very much]
Jeremy: I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok--four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time--in the four or five years since they've been here--to get cheap.
Richard: So there are no bangers.
James: Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.

[on a Citro├źn camper conversion]
Jeremy: And it only has one bed!
James: Well, he's not going to have a friend, is he.

[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]
Jeremy: It needs a name.
Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
Jeremy: I think he likes it!
James: I've got the name for it.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Bloody Awful!
Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!
Jeremy: I'm not sure this works! [they all laugh]

[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]
Jeremy: [Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.
[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]
Jeremy: Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.
[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]
James: [off-screen] Clarkson!!
Jeremy: [trying to sound innocent] What?
James: I know it's you!
Richard: [in bed, groggily] What're you doing?
Jeremy: We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!
Richard: [nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!
Jeremy: Where's May?
James: Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]
Richard: AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]
[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]
James: Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]

[on the Embarrassing Flirting Award]
Richard: In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonorous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.
[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]
Richard: I'd forgotten how bad it was!
James: You have to start with "Hello".
Series 13

[on the GAZ Chaika]
Jeremy: You know the KGB used these. Except theirs had more powerful engines, and they imported their fuel from Finland 'cause it didn't have twigs in it. You should see the amount of space back here [in the rear seat]. You could chop up 30 dissidents in the back of here!

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
James: [voiceover] ...the most important car since the car was invented. Here it is. It's called the FCX Clarity. And I'm afraid it's a four door Honda.

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
Jay Leno: In America, we like people to know about the good work we are doing anonymously.

[on the Riva]
James: I thought so.
Jeremy: What?
James: A rev counter.
Jeremy: Yes?
James: You decadent capitalist pig. Ownership of a rev counter is theft.
Jeremy: Look at the colour. This is the colour of a prosthetic limb.
James: You've got wipers on your headlights!
Jeremy: They don't work.
James: That's not the point! It's aspirational!

[on The Stig's "Lorry-driving cousin"]
Jeremy: Some say his favourite all-time tune is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. All we know is, he's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer.
[The Stig is shown in the background under a yellow umbrella during one of Boris Johnson's practice laps]
Jeremy: All we know is, he's called The Stig!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called The Stig.