Top Gear · Season 11
I'm gonna try something the Americans call pitting. If I put my car along his rear wheel and push his back end out, he counter-steers, I then brake... and of course, it shoots the other way.
[The Stig pulls smoothly away from Jeremy]
[voiceover] Unfortunately, none of what I just said happened.
[On Jeremy's attempt to disable Stig's car]
I presume at some point there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
Yep.
[Upon Jeremy's car losing a wheel in said attempt]
I think it could be time to admit failure.
[To Jeremy] You failed to apprehend the miscreant.
We are rubbish at this, aren't we?
Looks slow, is faster. I'll put that on my gravestone.
How's this going to look when you pull up outside someone's house to tell them that... their husband's just been killed in an industrial accident?
[laughing] Didilidi! Didilidi! Dididididididi!
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, Audi's Dynamic Ride Control tested to the limits in the Alps; variable torque-slip transmissions given a workout on our track; and Merc's hundred and ninety mile an hour Black on the edge in Wales.
Tonight, and for one night only, we've accidentally made a show all about cars.
[on the Subaru Impreza WRX STi]
This car isn't an anorak. It's where people who make anoraks go to buy their anoraks.
[on the Mitsubishi Evo X]
I've had a 14-year-old set up all the computers for me, so let's see what's what.
In the olden days, it was very close between the Evo and the Impreza, it was like Chelsea and Manchester United, but uh... but now, with these new models, it's like Chelsea and... [laughs]] I don't know enough about football. Um... what team plays in red? That isn't as good as Chelsea?
[offscreen] Nottingham Forest.
Nottingham... Nottingham Forest. [attempts to strike knowing pose]
[on the Subaru again]
Let's be honest, it is uglier than a war wound; it's far too soft and wallowy; it sounds like it's running on Mogadon; and the only reason they can sell it for twenty-five thousand pounds is because it has fewer luxuries than, I don't know, an Egyptian's lavatory.
[on the Evo X again]
This is not an Egyptian's khazi.
[on the Stig]
Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
Ooh, Stig seems to have got into Elton John - [realizing what he said] - not literally of course!
[in a discussion of Bluetooth "mating" that's gone horribly wrong]
How can you possibly know when your dashboard is having its "period"?
Because the satnav would lose its temper for no reason. "I SAID LEFT, YOU - "
[applause]
I think you'd find after a few years, your dashboard had been faking all its connections. "I was puttin' it on."
With your best mate's mobile phone.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
