Top Gear · Season 10
[reading challenge] "The people of Surrey think they need four-wheel drive cars because they live up a lane which sometimes has leaves on it. You will now attempt to prove them wrong by driving your two-wheel drive cars from here, at Botswana's Eastern border with Zimbabwe..." [points at armed border guards] which is there... "1000 miles to its Western border with Namibia. That's right across the spine of Africa."
[Awkward silence]
I'm confident.
[James comments on Jeremy's and Richard's car choice] You've both been idiots.
No!
Brilliantly interesting [points to the Opel] brilliantly stylish [points to the Lancia Beta] but stupid.
But...
Why's mine stupid?
Wha...where is yours? [James points to behind him] Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.
[After James drives off without Jeremy and Richard]
He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right. Into...
Zimbabwe!
Yes, Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.
[James' car is seen driving hastily away in the other direction, prompting laughter]
[Driving his Opel Kadett down the road in Africa]
This is just the happiest car in the world! I shall call it Oliver! Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.
[After they reach their first campsite]
[reading challenge] "Stretching before you is the Makgadikgadi. These are the biggest salt flats in the world. Almost completely lifeless, and as wide as Portugal. No car has ever driven across them. If you run out of water, you will die. If your car breaks down, and you can't be rescued, you will die. If you run out of food, you will die. It's like driving on a creme brulee. There's a prime-evil ooze covered with a thin layer of salty crust. If you have thin tyres, you will break through that crust, get stuck, and you will die." So it advises to fit fat tyres and remove as much weight as possible before setting off. Well how hard can it be?
Don't say that!
[Shedding weight from the cars]
[Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
Thanks, awfully.
[voiceover] The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
I've teamed my kikoi with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see The Clash. [voiceover] Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a massive dust storm]
AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
[voiceover] Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
[voiceover] James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
[coughs heavily]
I've got every single 1920's disease.
[to Jeremy] Can I point something out?
What?
Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
I know exactly what he's doing.
He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]
Can I just say...
What?
You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.
No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.
[to Richard] Do you know how it feels to have someone punch you really hard in the middle of the face?
I do, actually.
[As his car sinks in the river]
Float! Float! OLIVER!!!
[on African Stig]
Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.
[While his co-presenters modify their cars for the Okavango Delta, Richard sits inside Oliver, bored.]
I suppose I'd better practice my lion drill. "Oh, no. There's a lion coming. Ahh! [closes his door] What shall I do?" That! [points to the door, knocking on it] Oliver will protect me. [nods]
[reading new challenge] "You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."
That's the really big wildlife place... [makes a gesture with his arms]
In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals, including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos, Black rhino and crocodile. [short pause] Bird snakes, shield-nosed snakes, puff adders, boomslang, cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows and thick-tailed scorpions.
What about the honey badger?
The what?
The honey badger.
That's the least scary sounding animal in the world.
A honey badger does not kill you to eat you, it tears off your testicals.
It does not!
Why's it called the honey badger?
Exactly!
That's what's made it angry.
Why isn't it called "the badger of death?"
[narrating, about the Okavango Delta] This is where amateur cameramen come to make a name for themselves with Attenborough. But unfortunately, our film crew are best, really, with cars.
[There is footage of the crew making poor attempts to film the wildlife as they pass]
[speaking into his radio] If we ever do a show called "the back end of an animal..."
[mimicking announcer] This week, on "Too Late to Look..."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
