[on the Volkswagen New Beetle cabrio]
All they've got to do is make it in the shape of a proper car and it'll be terrific.
S2 E8July 6th, 2003
[driving the New Beetle with the top down in the rain]
I'm not sure this was such a smart idea.
Why, do you think they just think we're a pair of screaming -
Well, exactly.
Yes.
What we want in Britain is a convertible car for sunny days, and a hardtop for the other 364.
[Commenting on the Audi A4 convertible] No, it's just not right. A diesel cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe.
[testing the flappy paddle gearshift in the Citroën C3 Pluriel]
It's hopeless. I'm changing gear, right, I'm going to put it in second to go round this corner, that's OK, now I'm going to wait for third... and now it's changed. And I'm going to select fourth... no... oh! Now I've got it. [addressing the car] Wha - HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE ON?!
[on the Daihatsu Copen]
You're not going to get this, I know, but that car, it's small, it's silly, all it does is make the rest of the world massive. You know like the Incredible Shrinking Man in that film, where the telephone keeps getting bigger in his hand?
No.
All right.
But I'm sure it happened, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I just don't remember it.
OK, well, it's a bit like that. You sort of drive around amongst these massive road signs and huge hatchbacks, it's absolutely brilliant.
Can't say I noticed it myself, I thought it was all right, but, um...
[...]
It's not so much a car as a shoe.
I have three donkeys at home.
JKJodie Kidd
Do you?
Geoffrey, Eddie, and Kristin Scott Donkey. I do! I adore my donkeys. They are my life, they're everything. I just think they're fantastic.
JJodie
Very noisy.
Depends what you do to them.
S2 E9July 13th, 2003
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; the Dutch have made a car!; and be still my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.
[on the Volvo S60 R, the test model of which has orange leather seats]
It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.
[...]
It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.
[during the news]
All right, look, here's a proper piece of British ingenuity: a bloke called Geoff, he's made a steam-powered bicycle after 30 years' work. He started work on it in 1972. Roughly 250 years after the steam engine was invented.
It's not really on the cutting edge, is it.
Well, what this bloke has done, he has taken one old technology, one outdated technology, he's combined them to create something genuinely useless. It's brilliant!
[on the Rover Streetwise]
They're saying it's an "urban on-roader". If we analyze that, an "urban on-roader" is a car designed to go on the road in town. So... it's a car. Isn't it.
Essentially, yes.
[...]
[consulting press release] They are saying that: it has got a split folding rear seat...
Like a car.
Yeah. It's available with a selection of petrol and diesel power units...
Well, that is clever.
Like a car.
Yeah, yeah.
... various transmissions, three trim levels...
Car-like.
Yup, very car-like... "It's fun to drive, handy in traffic, easy to park and and able to shrug off hard use by active individuals and young families."
They've put some thought into this, haven't they?
"Has elements of the SUV appeal," no it doesn't, it's not four-wheel-drive, "with good ground clearance and ruggedness but without the cost and complexity of 4x4 transmission."
It's a car.
It's a car. "At the same time it offers good all-round performance and capability out of town, from motorways to farm tracks!"
[impressed] So you can drive out of town as well!
It's not just an urban on-roader, it's a motorway on-roader as well! And it can do farm tracks, but nothing too difficult, OK?
[whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.
You're the most famous guest we've ever had on.
PSPatrick Stewart
This must be a terrible show, then.
[Patrick Stewart has objected to Jeremy's pro-cell-phones-while-driving stance]
This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!
But I've had a lot of practice at that, you see.
[on Stewart's Jaguar XJS]
It's actually named in my will, I told my son that he was going to get it - he's getting sod-all else, mind you, and the car isn't actually worth that much.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.