TV show quotes
[as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.
[the car advances]
[into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]
Sorry.
[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]
NO!
Sorry.
[Voiceover whilst controlling a life-size remote control car towing a caravan about to be hit by the "Wrecking Ball of Doom"] For once, I was hoping the caravan would survive.
[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]
OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!
It's floating!
No it's not floating, James. It's flying!
[Audience laughs]
There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.
That's amazing! Is it expensive?
Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.
Really?
£60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: the chav-tastic new Ford Focus. The Transport Minister is in our Reasonably-Priced Car. And Richard Hammond and I have a fight.
[on the Stig]
Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won--I've got it here--in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"
Wow! Can I touch it?
What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!
Why didn't you go and pick up the award from the ceremony?
Well, because I was writing the script for this week's show.
Thing is though, when the Office, you remember that sitcom series?... won some Golden... Globes recently, the whole of the BBC ground to a halt while everyone said congratulations and... they were showered with, like, gifts, and gold and diamonds...
It's true, the director general of the BBC spent a whole week rubbing warm pig fat into the back of Ricky Gervais.
So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think were sent to us?
[to the audience] How many do you reckon? Not a damn thing!
Nothing!
And if you think that's outrageous, then please write to us, as of Monday, to Top Gear, Channel 4 television...
Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the forty-seventh time today.
[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]
How can he need more?
Have you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?
[Richard laughs]
...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?
[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]
[Jeremy wanders over]
James, I've run out of money.
Have you... what an interesting predicament.
[quietly] Please can I borrow some money.
I'm not-- we're not bailing you out!
You want me to pay for your petrol?
Yes!
Right, the nation is observing...
[wandering off] I haven't got any money...
...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.
[on multiple occasions] I have not had my teeth whitened!
[driving his Zonda in Paris] Don't scratch it!
[driving his Zonda in Paris, responding to horns blowing behind him] I know it's a supercar! It doesn't have vertical take-off!
[on Jeremy's Ford GT and its literally useless luggage compartment] The boot is there... purely to accommodate the boot lid!
Interestingly I think the Zonda is the sort of car for people who worry too much about their teeth.
[driving his Ferrari - surprisingly quickly - in southern France]
Here comes Captain Slow!
No American who designed that chassis [pointing to his Ford GT] is even half-aware that a road like this exists. If you brought an American here he would die of shock!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
