TV show quotes
[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test]
All of which makes it more of a shame that in the end you killed it with fire.
That was churlish.
Well, that's the thing. You probably won't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!
[after the end credits]
Can we just stop the competition now?
No, we bloody can't; I'm going to phone Damon Hill next week!
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: Richard drives a pair of wheeled accessories; I discover if the Australians are better at cars than they are at rugby; and James tries to finish the job of killing our Toyota.
Of course, ever since the 2CV, Citroën has been the badge of choice for those of a Guardian disposition.
[on the Citroën C2
[voiceover] Look at the details. The gear lever that seems to have come from a sex shop. The translucent trim. The 12 million gigawatt stereo. And the bumf, which is full of words like "wicked" and "cool".
[standing in front of the car] Now this, it seems, is the language of something called cruising, which... isn't what I thought it was.
[at a tuner meeting]
This cruising thing. What's it about?
What's it about?
Yeah.
It's about flexing, man.
It's about what?
Flexing, like. Having a good time, you know.
Flexing?
Yeah, yeah.
[crowd of young people laughs at Jeremy's oldster incomprehension]
What the f--k are you on about? [appeals to the crowd] What is flexing?
Flexing means winding, basically.
It means winding. I'm none the wiser! We're flexing, we're winding... Does anybody here speak English? Does anybody speak English here?
Showing off.
Showing off! This man speaks English! [crowd applauds] Flexing and winding means showing off.
[back in the studio after the tuner film]
That makes me feel very sad, that.
Why?
Well, I just wish that we'd had flexing and winding when we were kids, 'cause I love this whole modifying scene, I think it's brilliant.
Mm. We did have cruising, though.
I know, but that meant going to a gentlemen's lavatory, and that's... [dismissive gesture]
[having interrupted the second Toyota torture film at a critical moment]
I'll show you what happened later.
That's evil!
It stops people turning over to Heartbeat.
[on modern British consumers]
They earn money, they see stuff in shops, and they buy it. That's just the way most of us are. Me! I'm partial to a shirt!
[on the Peugeot 307 CC and Renault Mégane CC]
As we stand here, both of these cars are slowly sinking into the floor. They're that heavy.
So if I were to say to you, "OK, I'm going to shave your poodle... "
Right.
"... unless you tell me which one you'd have."
[looks at a loss]
Which one or the poodle's bald.
... Bring on the razor, mate, I'm afraid.
Now, Indians do like bling. I mean, if there was a Datsun Bling...
Well, hold on a minute. Now, we've had flexing, I've got that, and winding... what's bling?
Bling is just, you know, flash. Color. It's kind of like - Indian parents, traditional Indian parents, are the only ones who'd watch The Fast and the Furious and say, [in Indian accent] "If you became an accountant, you should get a car like that."
I'll tell you the reason that I stopped driving [in India]. I did about a mile and I told my cousin to take over. And I said - it was at night, and nobody uses their headlights, or very few people use their headlights because, you know, you wear 'em out. You'd just have to buy another one. Um, and so there was, there was - I stopped when I saw one headlamp coming towards me, and I said, "Look, I don't know if that's a scooter or it's a truck with one failed headlamp. And he kind of - my cousin stopped for a second, he said, [in Indian accent] "Or two scooters transporting a wardrobe." I said - I said, "You know, you're right, there is that third option. I'm an idiot. I don't know why I didn't think of it."
If I could only have one drink for the rest of my life, it would be a pint of bitter. And if I could only drive one supercar, it would be this: the Aston Martin Vantage.
In order to understand the impact of the Vantage, I want you to imagine a simple scene down your local boozer. Now, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, Porsche, all that lot - they're the blokes round the bar with the big opinions. Giving it lots of that. [mimes talking] Aston Martin is the quiet bloke in the corner, with his pint of best and the crossword. And then, suddenly, he decides he's had enough. So he gets up, he takes them all outside, and he gives them a bloody good hiding.
The Italians, you see, would concentrate on making a really, really fast car, but then they'd start to worry about all the practical stuff, like, where's the driver going to sit, and can he see out, and how are you going to join up all those wires that make the lights work? The British way, however, is to start with a normal car and then make it very fast. Think of the Jaguar XJR. It's one of the world's most comfortable saloon cars, and it just happens to go like a stabbed rat.
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