[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight, I use a machine. James writes on a blackboard. And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.
S17 E4July 17th, 2011
[On the Stig]
Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he's called the Stig.
[During The News]
Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.
Why?
No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]
It does makes a bit of a scene.
It does really.
You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car -- is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]
MEHHHH! Come on, old lady!
It would hurry 'em up!
Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.
Yeah, true.
JRJeremy and Richard
Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]
James May has launch control.
Yeah, but I don't use it.
Really?
You don't say!
No, it's --
Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"
I always struggle throwing boxes away.
Why?
Well because if you take the washing machine out of it, and fit that in your kitchen, and there's the box, all crisp and new and empty and I can't help but look at it, and part of my mind sees the potential. You look at it and you think, wow, that could be, like, a castle, or a -- you've been there! [laughter and awkward looks from Jeremy and James] Or a den, or a like car. I'm the same with shoe boxes. I don't think I've ever thrown one away ever, because you think, I could keep special things in it, or put it on it's side and you could have, like, a TV screen, or maybe you could use the big box as a spaceship and then the little one as a dashboard. Come on, you've been th-!
Richard? Are you all right? Seriously, because this is a man, with, there's no other way of putting this, with a helicopter licence.
The CAA said I was alright.
I know but, the CAA, if they're watching this, will think, "He's a madman!"
Well, it's not a real helicopter -- it's just the box his fridge came in.
Yeah, alright. I just make the noise! [laughter and applause]
RJRichard and James
[both imitating helicopter rotor noise]
[voiceover] Meanwhile...
[over the PA system] ? La la la la la la la la la la la la la! ? [annoyed looks from the passengers]
[over the PA system] Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. It's my Tannoy.
RERailway Executive
[shouting over the noise] How do we communicate in an emergency?
PPassenger
You've got to shout!
RERailway Executive
[louder] Is there a communication cord to stop the train?
Yes, yes, yes.
PPassenger
Where is it?
I'm going to check it, as I'm about to ask the driver, Mr. May, to slow down a little bit, just while we're serving the drinks.
[Richard proceeds to open the front window]
[shouting] James! JAMES!
[voiceover] Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots, but I couldn't get past due to a railway network design fault.
Even here, we're stuck behind caravans!
[voiceover] If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.
[the camera angle adjusts to show that a passenger is using the Scum Class's external toilet seat]
Oh, for God's sake! Oh, this is really bad. A member of the working classes is taking a dump in full view of the editor of Railway Express Magazine. [the group are promptly rained on by the man's urine] Oh, whoa! No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm very sorry about this! I can't just keep driving along like this. I'm backing off.
[voiceover] I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.
I do apologize. I do apologize!
[After Jeremy's Sports Train nearly collides with an actual diesel locomotive]
Some poo's come out!
[over the PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, please brace yourselves. The incompetent steward is about to pour tepid coffee into your crotch.
[over the PA system] For Christ's sake, James! Stop making ####### announcements! That's my job! I'm the steward! You drive, I steward!
It's my train, and the driver makes the bleeding announcements! That's the way it is!
[approaching James and Richard's train] James!
What?
Your train's on fire.
Is it?
Yes, it is.
Right.
[as Richard and James extinguish the Buffet Car fire in a rail yard]
Listen, if you ignore the fire, and the fact that we didn't get where we wanted to go, it was incredibly noisy, and the fact that all the passengers have run away...
Apart from that, it was a resounding success.
Yeah, I think we can only judge it as a success. It worked as a train. We came up with something new and unique and brilliant.
Well, I think as a concept it is...
Oh, hello. [waves to approaching train]
[waves, continues] It's quite nice. But the fact is...
[the train passes by and destroys the Scum Class car]
S17 E5July 24th, 2011
[During the opening sequence]
Tonight, I talk to a man in sunglasses. James draws a square on a wall. And Richard plays with a soldier's chopper.
[voiceover] The foam fitting was rather disturbing.
Why -- what are you doing? You're in my actual anus. That was my actual anus that you put your hand in.
JAJean Alesi
It is a part of the programme!
Things that just happened that I didn't think would happen today. Jean Alesi, who I used to hero-worship, is playing with my genitals.
Hammond, I suspect the driving position has got you in mind in a Scorpion.
Is that what this is?
Yeah. £30,000. That's what it costs.
[climbing into the Scorpion] Already, I'm seeing buildings just fall down of their own free will.
[All three laugh]
Didn't James Blunt use one of these in Kosovo?
[from inside the Scorpion] It's got pedals! There are pedals.
I thought he had a guitar.
[Jeremy and James checks out a tank next to the Scorpion]
It's the Stormer.
Yeah, the Stormer. Now, come on.
20 grand, maximum.
Stormer! That's a good name.
£20,000. So this, or a Ford Focus.
[voiceover] Mostly, they talked about health and safety so we thought we should too.
Don't have an accident.
RJRichard & James
Don't have an accident.
If you do have an accident, remember... it was an accident.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.