[During the opening sequence]
Tonight. I look at the future of sports cars. James investigates the future of quite literally everything. And Richard Hammond smashes up another caravan.
“December 14th, 2008” · Season 12, Episode 7
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (9), James May (5), Richard Hammond (3), The Stig (1)
[About to drag race the Tesla Roadster against a Lotus Elise]
Right, it's on. I... think. There's no noise at all, but anyway. Put it into drive -- [it] has a one-speed gearbox. They tried it with a two speed but that kept breaking. So one it is. We're in drive and I'm ready.
[The Roadster pulls away from the Elise]
God almighty! Wave goodbye to dial-up and say hello to the world of broadband motoring! Twelve and a half thousand RPM, I could not believe this! That's biblically quick! This car is electric! Literally!
[While driving the Tesla next to the Lotus Elise, after overtaking it after the Hammerhead]
The volthead has overtaken the petrolhead. And yes, [puts finger next to ear, mimicking a telephone] yes, I've just heard, it is snowing in hell.
[Both Roadsters are unavailable, charging or broken]
I did think that the Teslas would bring a bit of peace and quiet to our track with their electric motors. [I] didn't think it would be this much peace and quiet though. [walking off] That is the sound of silence.
[voiceover] What we have here then is an astonishing technical achievement: the first electric car you might actually want to buy. It's just a shame that in the real world it doesn't seem to work.
[back in the studio with James]
I tried to be fair. I did try, but it was... it didn't work.
It's not good though is it?
No, I think the price will come down, you know once -- what's he called -- Brad Cruise and Leonardo DiClooney. Once they've bought six hundred each, then the price will drop. And I guess once they've made a few of them they'll get better at the reliability.
Well, that's as maybe. But -- and as I aim to demonstrate later on in the show -- battery powered electric cars will soon die altogether.
No, we are looking forward to that film. Well, I am anyway.
[Holds up an item] would anyone like to hazard a guess at what this is?
[Person in audience responds]
What?
[Person in audience repeats]
How can you know what this is? Have you got one?
[Person in audience responds]
[stutters] This lady knows the answer! This is... a she-wee.
Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.
Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.
Oh I can beat that May. This is an ice scraper OK. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.
What!
It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.
[produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]
[holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...
No!
James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...
Has it got four rings on it?
Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve
Thank you
It's all gone horribly wrong.
[On The Stig]
Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer.
[The Stig is shown in the background under a yellow umbrella during one of Boris Johnson's practice laps]
All we know is, he's called The Stig!
[During the power lap of the Tesla Roadster]
[in Morse code] I like Gary Newman.
[in Morse code] That pork tasted funny.
[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
[voiceover] ...the most important car since the car was invented. Here it is. It's called the FCX Clarity. And I'm afraid it's a four door Honda.
[After testing their V8 rocking chair]
It hasn't worked, because the noise is so great, you'd never hear the television, would you?
That... and the fact that the old lady has disintegrated. Her head's come off!
So far, most electric cars have been appalling little plastic snot-boxes that take all night to recharge and then take half a minute to reach their maximum speed of forty. And then run out of juice miles from anywhere.
[James drives past a Toyota Prius]
Prius. Sucker.
[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
JLJay Leno
In America, we like people to know about the good work we are doing anonymously.
[on the Embarrassing Flirting Award]
In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonorous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.
[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]
I'd forgotten how bad it was!
You have to start with "Hello".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.