James May quotes from Top Gear

[Reading the second challenge card] You must now demonstrate your lorry-driving skills by powersliding your trucks around... well, presumably it's that skid pan.

James

What's the point? You can't powerslide lorries anyway.

Technically, you can't powerslide anything.

[Continuing to read from the card] To prove that it's possible, you will now watch a demonstration by our tame racing driver.

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[After injuring himself falling off of the seat of his lorry during the Powerslide challenge]

[to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.

PParamedic

Right, okay.

James

[voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...

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[Reading challenge card] It says that this is a test of speed, braking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.

What do they mean by "obstacles"?

Doesn't say.

[pause]

James

What sort of pies?

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[During the truck challenge, showing their 'knowledge' of their trucks]

James

It's um... this is the sleeper cab, which has got the extra bit on the back where you can sleep. They also did it as a day cab which didn't have that bit... so you couldn't sleep in it. Um... it's the uh...

[to Richard] He doesn't know anything! [laughs]

What colour is it, James?

James

What have you got then?

A lorry!

James

What sort?

... A big one!

Well clearly!

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[Richard's cargo (an unsecured car) has fallen out of the back of his lorry in transit]

I'll be honest... I don't.. I think, like the headlamps, taillamps— 'cause I heard a clunk at that end and then a clunk at that end and then a lot more clunks and then it stopped and got smoother and smoother. Headlights are gonna be smashed to bits... I daren't look... [May looks inside] Yes I know. It's bad, I'm sorry.

James

It's worse than that.

[Richard and James looking in the empty trailer]

Is that bad for my points?

James

Yeah. But more to the point, where is it?

[grimacing guiltily] Don't know...

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...So anyway, how was your car?

James

Car's...

Stolen! That's what it is, I've just thought of it now: stolen. The damnedest thing.

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[during the news, May is wearing a leather jacket]

[point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?

Yeah, he is.

James

Yeah.

He is, ah okay.

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[during the news]

James

And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.

Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's...

It is. And James, it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!

How did you arrive at wanting that?

James

Because I like it.

Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.

James

[looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?

Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size--is this right? Am I talking sense here girls?--So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?

James

Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.

He does have a point there. He does...

You've got a Ford Mustang!

Let's move on!

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[during the news]

Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One -- it's coming home, as we like to think about it -- TO THE BBC!

[audience cheers]

No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job -- who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker -- is Richard Hammond.

I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!

A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.

Err... no, actually!

You weren't even watching last weekend!

No, I was driving home.

Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?

I did get a clear run, I must admit!

If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.

[playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.

He would be the worst person in the world for that job.

James

[looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

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[Introducing the main segment]

James

What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.

However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.

Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American -- the U.S. state department no less -- has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.

James

And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised -- this isn't a lie is it?

No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...

This is for real.

James

-- if we promised not to be entertaining.

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JJeremy (narrating)

James, meanwhile, wasn't even enjoying the excellent music on the local radio station.

[The radio is playing "Jessica" by the Allman Brothers (AKA The "Top Gear" theme).]

James

(pointing to the radio) I wasn't expecting to hear that.

[Cut to Jeremy driving and also hearing the theme.]

On tonight's programme... (laughs)

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[On the Bonneville Salt Flats, talking about drivers who become obsessed with getting a record time]

[Narrating] Keen to become one of those speed freaks, I was up extremely early.

[The camera cuts to Jeremy behind the wheel]

Now, as we know, practice makes perfect. So, I'm gonna get some practice now, before the course opens... in the 'Bago.

[The RV is show pulling away from the cars, with various unsecured items falling off of tables.]

James

[off-screen] Clarkson!!

[trying to sound innocent] What?

James

I know it's you!

[in bed, groggily] What're you doing?

We're up to 40 miles an hour in the 'Bago. It's James, come on!

[nearly falling off of the bed] I was asleep!

Where's May?

James

Back here on the throne! Clarkson, it's not funny! [Jeremy starts laughing]

AHH! [he throws a pillow off-screen at Jeremy]

[Jeremy parks the Winnebago as James steps out of the bathroom.]

James

Clarkson, you infantile pillock! [Jeremy laughs] You're tidying that up! [Jeremy laughs harder]

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[During the news]

Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!

James

What the hell are you on about?

It's Dacia!... :[audience member says something, Jeremy speaks to him] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is... :[audience member replies] Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.

S12 E3 November 16th, 2008

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[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]

It needs a name.

We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.

[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]