[On the fate of Jeremy based on the former owners of his Mercedes Grosser 600, after finding out that the former owners of his Rolls-Royce Corniche are entertainers who are homosexual or camp, specifically Elton John, Liberace and Dick Emery]
JamesIt is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
[a reference to Elvis Presley, one of the former owners of the Mercedes Grosser 600]
So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James
...or camp commandant.
[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
There is only one way we can settle this. [pointing to a board with two lists of names] So what I've got here is a list of famous people who in the past have owned a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose: Elton John, Liberace, Dick Emery... remember, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you..." ... and James May. ...What do they all have in common?
James
What you're trying to say is that because I've got a Corniche, I must, by association, have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits, is that it?
That's it, yes, spangly jumpsuit man!
James
Right, okay, fair enough. [points to the second, much longer list of names on the board] Let's have a look at the Big's famous former owners. They are—
Is Max Mosley on that list?
James
No, it's worse! Look: Amin, Brezhnev, Ceausescu, Tito, Hoxha, Hussein, Castro, Klerk, Hirohito, Pot, Tung, and Elvis Presley.
James
It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute. [a reference to Elvis Presley]
So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James
...or camp commandant.
[he and the audience laugh] Exactly!
[Introducing the Top Gear vs D-Motor film]
Now, there's a new TV show in Germany. It's all about cars and it's hosted by three people.
I can't imagine where they got that idea from! No idea! Anyway, they got in touch with us and they invited us to take them on in a series of races and challenges.
James
Now, obviously, we needed somewhere to stage this.
Yes. I suggested we did it in the skies over southern England!
James
In fact, we settled on Belgium, which was a country invented so that Britain and Germany would have somewhere to sort out their differences!
Yup! And, on that point, the producers told us: "Now, listen. You're representing the BBC. You can't just turn up and go on about the war."
[James grins in silence]
[During the Top Gear v. Germans challenge: hatch-back test]
Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.
[voiceover] And no wonder...
James, what are you doing!?
James
Shooting at Jeremy.
James
Yeah, but why wouldn't you?
You're right, you would. Fire!
[James is watching Where Eagles Dare during the Bowler Nemesis test]
James
[German accent] Sit down, Kommandant.
You're not interested in these, are you?
James
D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.
[Mocking the speculation on the Stig, after passing him off as James May]
Some say you saved our bacon.
James
Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.
[starting the news]
James
Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...
[walking on] God, he is such a child.
James
Yeah, where is he anyway?
I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...
[from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...
[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]
[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]
You ah, you wearing that for a bet?
[During the news, mocking last series' news joke.]
James, bad news. The Dacia Sandero...
James
The what?
The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK!
James
Oh. Now...
Top Gear · 1,774 quotes
