[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: James May faces trial by water. Richard Hammond faces trial by fire. And I drive a Ferrari to the moon!
“October 14th, 2007” · Season 10, Episode 2
In this episode: Jeremy Clarkson (13), Richard Hammond (6), James May (6)
[on the Audi R8's handling]
Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase. But this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.
[on the Stig]
Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
[After James tries to compare an F430 with cheese]
Why are you on this programme!?
[While trying to take down his mast]
What is it actually caught on?
BBoth
The security camera.
[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Nissank"]
These should give me more...ummm.....ummmm.
CMCrew Member
Stability.
Yes, that.
[reacting to the English Channel challenge]
I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.
Yeah. But what a day!
[As Richard's dampervan creates plumes of white smoke]
It is like the West Indian dope smoking team practising in the car.
[Cue to Richard, a large smile on his face]
[As his Herald sinks]
MAYDAY!
[Richard drops his Porsche pipe]
I've spun off in me Porsche, look at that!
Mine won't start properly.
No, of course it won't. It's a Porsche, persevere.
[Jeremy puts the wrong end of his pipe in his mouth]
No, what are you doing, man! No! Other way round, you - ah!
It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.
[To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder? [Indicates May, who looks like he's enjoying a quiet day in the smoking room of a Victorian gentlemen's club.]
[...]
[Using his pipe to point at Hammond] I'll tell you something...
You see? He's pointing!
I haven't actually got anything to tell you, but I just wanted to point at you with my pipe, like pipe smokers. [Points with his pipe at Clarkson] And I'll tell you something else.
[Clarkson burns his tongue with his pipe]
Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience laugh]
That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]
Jeremy... hold on! Jeremy...
'Cube we a winit. ["'Scuse me a minute" with burning tobacco in his mouth.]
[Clarkson gets up and goes off-camera to spit out the tobacco, amid audience hilarity, then returns to his seat giggling helplessly.]
Can I - can I just get quite clear, what you just did as a grown man was light a pipe and put the wrong end of it in your mouth.
[Clarkson is still cracking up and can't answer him.]
What're you like on Bonfire Night? You bloody idiot.
[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
Thank you.
[After James had gone into Hammond's cabin to make tea]
[To James] Oi! Prescott! I'll have a bacon sandwich!
[After sinking in Hammond's campervan]
This is the third time I've been in this bloody sea!
Technically, it wasn't my fault.
[On their attempt to break Richard Branson's record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car]
Beardy, you're going down!
[voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...
Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the boom hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.