Richard Hammond quotes from Top Gear

James

Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.

Richard

...What...?

James

...Please don't leave me.

Jeremy

We now have to do the news and that's impossible, because it's not the week you think it is.

Richard

No, it's actually December, December 9th.

Jeremy

Yes, it really is. You see we had the studio booked for today, and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.

Richard

This is the past.

Jeremy

This fly flying around here has actually died by the time you watch this. [laughter]

James

The real problem is obviously, that between now and when you're watching this, there's really anything could have happened. Somebody could have invented a car that I don't know, runs on jelly. We might have declared war with France... [pauses to smile suddenly]

James

So, instead of the news, what we're going to do, we're going to take a look ahead to some cars that are coming out -- this year.

Jeremy

This year. This year.

Richard

Yes!

James

A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95, here it is.

Jeremy

Unless of course Saab went bust in the last two weeks.

Richard

Oh god, which is a real possibility!

Jeremy

Tell you what seriously, James, James, really. Do this two ways, we will edit it.

James

Yeah.

Richard

Cover yourself.

James

[cheerful tone] A car I'm really looking forward to is the new Saab 95. There it is [car shown on the monitor]. [solemn tone] A car I was looking forward to was the new Saab 95. [laughter] That's what it was going to look like. They say --

Jeremy

No, they said.

James

What?

Jeremy

They said.

James

Oh, yes. They say, or said, that it's based on a jet fighter, or was, but it isn't wasn't. [laughter] It's actually based on a Vauxhall. You can or could get three engines, or maybe you could get three engines. The best of which was or is a 2.8 litre V6. That will start at about ?25,000. It looks great.

Jeremy

You know what James, why haven't you got a Saab?

James

Because they've gone bust.

Thanks very much for this wonderful honour and for this fabulous trophy. [chuckles] You must have spent a fortune on this! [points to the trophy name plate] My name's Brian, not "Brain". And that's an ice hockey player on top of there, look, but never mind. This'll do me for now. So have a great time at Christmas and I'll see you soon, guys. Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye.

Jeremy

Brain Johnson!

Richard

Well, I'm sorry.

Jeremy

That's the worst thing we've ever done.

Richard

It was cheap. It was cheap.

Jeremy

Come on, I'm the tallest thing here.

Richard

It's not as bad as you think actually!

Jeremy

I'm trying to be killed by lightning!

Richard

What?

Jeremy

I'm trying to be killed by lightning!

Richard

Sorry?

Jeremy

... Are you deaf?!

Richard

Sorry?

Jeremy

This is ridiculous!

Richard

The judges' decisions are final!

Jeremy

Say, say the BMW is the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria. It's...that's, that's like saying, "Who's the tallest Top Gear presenter? It's Richard Hammond because he's from Birmingham!".

Richard

No! It's not!

Richard

No, it really is, it really is the most spacious car. That's the fact, and that's the judges' decision, live with it!

Richard

What would be a good score on this? A new car will score, a good car?

150 points.

Jeremy

I will go first with my score. Are we ready? 58!

James

58. That's good. (looks at the results) 19!

Jeremy

19? That's not so good.

James

No.

Jeremy

Hammond?

Richard

6!

Jeremy

Would you say the BMW is dangerous?

Yes.

Jeremy

[voiceover, with the scene showing Richard Hammond driving very slowly] This had a dramatic effect on the way Hammond drove.

Richard

(slowly) 6? I don't know how you could score less. Would have to have, like, wheels missing. Or a tiger in it.

Jeremy

(mimicking the opening sequence) Tonight, on first gear. Richard Hammond drives across Germany in a deathtrap.

Jeremy

You've got [Pointing at the Aston Martin Rapide] the ballet dancer, [Pointing at the Maserati Quattroporte GTS] the hitman, and... [Pointing at the Porsche Panamera]

Richard

Someone who's just been found at the bottom of a lake after two weeks.

Jeremy

Yes. And THAT [pointing at the Maserati] is the man who threw him there. [Richard and Jeremy laugh]

Richard

Wait, I wanted to drive the Maserati!

Jeremy

[In a high-pitched voice, while driving away] Toodalooooooooo!

James

Hang on a minute. If they just need to bring their average CO2 down, why don't they just buy a bicycle factory?

Richard

Or they should do Aston Martin flowers, 'cause they suck in CO2 and put out oxygen, and that would bring it crashing down!

Jeremy

I think it has to be a mode of transport... you can't go to work on some flowers. A horse?

James

Scissors.

Jeremy

Have you ever tried sitting on a pair of scissors? [laughter]

James

Not yet.

Richard

He probably has actually.

Jeremy

It won't work. A cow? A cow --

Richard

Ostriches. They're quite exotic.

Jeremy

It has been wrongly assumed that blind people can't drive.

James

Well, they can't.

Richard

Yeah, realistically they can't...

Jeremy

No, no, no. Blind people can drive. Just mostly into things.

Richard

[After describing the problems in his Land Rover] Mind you, compared to Jeremy's design flaw...

Jeremy

[trying desperately to control his Citroen] Ahh! Ahh! AHHH! Oh my God! No, this is terrifying! I can't begin to describe what this feels like. Oookay, wallowing quite badly. [narrating] I asked James to pull in behind to assess the gravity of the situation... but he wasn't much help. [the camera cuts to inside James' car, where James is roaring with laughter.] And to be honest, nor was Hammond. [the camera cuts to inside Richard's car, where he is also in complete hysterics.]

Jeremy

I've cocked up, I know I've cocked up. Wahaaa, low bridge!

Richard

[over the walkie-talkie after Jeremy cleared the bridge] Jeremy, did you make a note of how tall it actually is?

Jeremy

[to himself, muttering] No, I didn't. [over the walkie-talkie] Yes!

Richard

[smirking] He hasn't got a clue.

Richard

[narrating] While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.[speaking to James] You see where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?

James

Yeah.

Richard

If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge. He won't be able to go forwards obviously...

James

I know what you're thinking.

Richard

...He'd never back it up.

James

That's brilliant!

Richard

Go on stick it down there, 'cause he'll see it from the bottom, he'll see the tower on the edge. [laughs]

James

He's taken the [keys].

Richard

Well push it, push it, push it!

Jeremy

That's good. [takes another lick] That's very good.

James

The handbrake's off.

Richard

Just get it, just get it right to the edge...

James

Yeah yeah.

Richard

I reckon if we...

James

Oh hang on...

Richard

That's not...

James

Oh f***..!

Jeremy

In weather like this, amongst scenery like that, holidaying in England...[takes a lick of the ice-cream]...even in a motor-home does make sense. [to the cameraman] Is that alright?

Jeremy

[seeing the crew look behind him] What?[turns to look, sees the wreckage of his car lying on the beach, and turns back] What's that?

James

As you know, last week, there was some sort of football match on at the same time as us so I just wondered, who here watched Top Gear last week? Hands up if you did.

Richard

I did! It was great! Jeremy? You?

Jeremy

I couldn't watch it.

James

Well, I be honest, I found the bit with the wedding a bit cringeworthy but I struggled on and made it to—

Jeremy

No, I mean that I couldn't watch it because I was in Johannesburg.

Richard

Watching the finals. Oh great! So, the one week where we wanted to call in a bit of loyalty and you decided to go to South Africa and watch a Dutchman kick a Spaniard in the heart.

Jeremy

Yes, I did.