Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

"Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?" Yes, I was. "Explain how accident occurred." A maniac came the other way. "State who in your opinion was responsible for the accident." Him! Him! He was mad.

Jeremy

Tonight, I play tennis. Richard points at a minibus. And James shakes hands with two men.

Jeremy

Some say that he breaks into people's houses at night and leaves two mysterious extra keys in a kitchen drawer. And that as a result of buying Pirelli condoms this week, he now has 17 children.

Jeremy

Mmm! We have everything we need. Huge scenery, swooping road, no traffic. The Holy Trinity for anyone whose communion wine comes with an octane rating.

Jeremy

Tonight, a dog looks over a wall. We drive some chairs. And The Stig does a skid in a supercharged Jag.

Jeremy

[voice over] Of course, if you turn the traction control off and stamp on the throttle, you can get it to misbehave. But you sense immediately that it doesn't want to do this. [in the car] It doesn't like that. [imitating German accent] "I am a serious racing car, Englander! Don't drive with your clown shoes on!"

Jeremy

Some say that he also has a button that makes him hum, and that if he played football for Manchester United, he'd be loyal, because he's not a potato-headed oaf.

Jeremy

The hovercraft has run amok in a lock!

Jeremy

In the Shakespearean style, "Horsepower, horsepower, my kingdom for some horsepower!"

Jeremy

Tonight... Richard drives a new Lamborghini. James and I go on a caravan holiday. And a rock god is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

Jeremy

Some say he's married to one of Princess Anne's hats. And that he spent all week standing outside a hospital in London pretending to be Nicholas Witchell.

Jeremy

I know exactly what music we have to play now.

Jeremy

No, not that! Cue the Bond!

Jeremy

Well, anyway, the committee that decides on what messages flashed up - and it is a committee, we checked - has been told to stop doing that sort of thing, OK, because the government says it's distracting. But it isn't distracting, it's irritating. Scarlett Johansson in a short skirt on a windy day on a motorway bridge, that is distracting. That would be. It's distracting now.

Jeremy

But it was not what you'd call luxurious. It is, frankly, as well equipped as a pair of monk's underpants. And that's because, like the Alfa we saw earlier, this car was designed to be as fat as Iggy Pop.

Jeremy

And what I find hysterical about that is that McLaren has taken this hybrid technology, which is designed to reduce the impact of the internal combustion engine and is using it to increase the impact. That's like weaponising a wind farm. Or buying the Rainbow Warrior and turning it into an oil tanker.