Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Tonight, I talk to two old ladies; Richard makes a phone call; And James sniffs his own armpit.

Jeremy

You'd get more of a jolt if you drove a Rolls-Royce over a Jaffa cake.

Jeremy

When you drive a Lamborghini it's like you're operating a horse with some mustard stuck up its bottom, but when you drive this -- it's like you're operating the sort of machine they use, I imagine, in ophthalmic surgery

Jeremy

The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights. Very practical and very sensible. The Ferrari, though, that is a pair of stockings.

Jeremy

Some say that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottinghamshire. And that he recently received a very strong e-mail from his fiancee's mother saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet. All we know is he's called the Stig!

Jeremy

It is genuinely unbelievable that that car [pointing to Richard's Bentley Turbo R] costs exactly the same as this car [referring to the Nissan Pixo]. Of course, we're not thick. Well, he is [points to Richard]. But even he knows that the Bentley was hand-made in England -- and saying something was hand-made in England is just a way of saying the door's going to fall off.

Jeremy

Tonight, I use a machine. James writes on a blackboard. And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.

Jeremy

Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he's called the Stig.

Jeremy

[voiceover] Meanwhile, I'd caught up with the idiots, but I couldn't get past due to a railway network design fault.

Jeremy

Even here, we're stuck behind caravans!

Jeremy

[voiceover] If I'm honest, though, that wasn't the most immediate problem.

Jeremy

Oh, for God's sake! Oh, this is really bad. A member of the working classes is taking a dump in full view of the editor of Railway Express Magazine. [the group are promptly rained on by the man's urine] Oh, whoa! No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm very sorry about this! I can't just keep driving along like this. I'm backing off.

Jeremy

[voiceover] I decided to go back in search of some points where I could change tracks.

Jeremy

I do apologize. I do apologize!

Jeremy

Some poo's come out!

Jeremy

Tonight, I talk to a man in sunglasses. James draws a square on a wall. And Richard plays with a soldier's chopper.

Jeremy

Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt. And that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2,000 years sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Jeremy

These days eco-ism is seen as cool. People like James May and me, petrol heads, we're -- we're dinosaurs really. So if you have one of these cars with zero emission and full electric plastered down the side, you are more likely to get a girlfriend. [voiceover] You just have to hope she doesn't live at the other end of the country.

Jeremy

[voiceover] As night fell, we came across a village fete. Everyone was doing business, so I ramped up the PA.

Jeremy

The British are back... I mean here.

Jeremy

What I love about this, though, is it's called the Kubang, which, being a Maserati, is the noise it'll make the day the warranty runs out!