Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.

Jeremy

This is Radio 1. Now normally that's like having a rusty screwdriver shoved into the side of your head. But I dunno, today I think it's fine. I mean, listen to this chap, he wants to bitch-slap his ho. And why not? Good luck to you, fella.

Jeremy

I'm now playing what I like to call Fuel Light Bingo. The rules are very simple. You let the fuel light come on; then you let the needle go all the way through the red until it's bent like that [holds up crooked finger] round the bottom of the gauge. Then, when you see a sign saying "services 1 mile and 27 miles", go for the furthest one away, and when you get there, go past that one too. If you win, you make it home, the next day your wife drives the car, and she fills it up for you. I think it's a great game! My wife doesn't like it very much, but I think it's brilliant. If you lose, you run out of petrol.

Jeremy

[After stopping at John o'Groats at the end of the XJR test] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.

Jeremy

For the last few years, the DB7's been an aging rocker, still trying to cut it in a Coldplay MP3 world of Porsche 911s and foo-fighter Ferraris. But now, thanks to a cocktail of Botox and Viagra, it's up there with the best of them.

Jeremy

Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?

Jeremy

Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.

Jeremy

Oh, and it's the least maneuverable car on the road. Oil tanker captains have been heard to say that their ships have the turning circles of Clio V6s.

Jeremy

I think the problem is that it's... French.

Jeremy

I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and make love and make cheese. That's what I like doing most of all 'cause I'm French!

Jeremy

On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; a foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; and we try to set a new land speed record.

Jeremy

And yet, they're both relatively inexpensive Japanese saloon cars. So they've both got four doors, they've both got big boots, and they're both as reliable as... [hesitates] a Swiss... bus driver's Austrian pacemaker! What more could you possibly want?

Jeremy

Look at the scoop on this bonnet. And they seem to have given the Evo so many steroids it's started to grow out of its own body. You know what these cars should be called, don't you? The Mitsubishi "Did you spill my pint?", and the Subaru "You. Outside. NOW."

Jeremy

Trying to decide which is best is hard. They're both spoonbendingly, hallucinogenically, lawbreakingly mad and absurd.

Jeremy

I've got a report here from the Observer. "Drivers are facing the biggest revolution in the history of British motoring." ... It's the Lexus again, it's changed everything.

Jeremy

That is not going to work, and do you know the worst thing about this is? That Jaguar was working, we know, on an F-Type, a two-seater modern day E-Type and they cancelled that project, because they'd spent all their money on a diesel engine!

Jeremy

Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.

Jeremy

For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

Jeremy

You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

Jeremy

And it seems like quite a lot, when you peel away this amazing body and find out what's underneath. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze.