Jeremy Clarkson quotes from Top Gear

Jeremy

And it stops like a duck on a frozen lake.

Jeremy

It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one... it's fantastic!

Jeremy

Going on sale in 2005, so have you just ordered a Porsche 911 recently? [sniggers, audience laughs].

Jeremy

Tonight: Richard and James enjoy life under canvas; an Alfa Romeo waving its arms around; and Darth Vader, in a Honda Civic TIE Fighter R.

Jeremy

[voiceover] Well, to be honest, I think it looks a bit of a mess. But then it would, because it's a Japanese car designed in America. And the head of the whole project was a chap called Ajay Panchal, who's an Indian. From Leicester. And the engine? Well, that's French. Incongruously, it's the three-and-a-half-litre V6 from the Renault Vel Satis.

Jeremy

[at the wheel] We've had fusion food before, but this is the first time that I've ever encountered a fusion car. Think of it as being a raw-hamburger curry served in a disinterested way on a bed of garlicky jus.

Jeremy

I could go very, very berserk at this point. But - two things are stopping me. One, the noise. It's driving me mad. And secondly, it was on this very road that the drummer with a band called Def Leppard crashed his muscle car, a Corvette, and as a result of that he now has to drive with a knob on his steering wheel.

Jeremy

I've seen better build quality on an allotment shed.

Jeremy

Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; the Dutch have made a car!; and be still my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.

Jeremy

It's only when you really concentrate that you start to pick up the clues. The big alloy wheels. The blue engine cover. The seats, which seem to have been made out of David Dickinson.

Jeremy

It's very relaxing. I can just sit here listening to the excellent stereo and speculate on whether or not these seats aren't really David Dickinson at all. They might be an offcut of Dale Winton.

Jeremy

[whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.

Jeremy

First thing I do when I move into a new flat or a new house, forget the curtains and the carpets and the cooker - you get your television, your stereo, and your PlayStation up and running. It's why I understand this car. It's perfectly reasonable to have a fridge-cum-DVD player instead of a seat. It's the obvious thing to do. It's fantastic!

Jeremy

[voiceover] Mumsy cars have lots of seats and are as sensible as big knickers, but this has lots of gadgets. So it's the world's first dadsy car.

Jeremy

Tonight: A £65,000 car for the people!; a Range Rover at 45 degrees; and the new Bentley coupé comes to our studio.

Jeremy

[voiceover] This is the first-ever recorded example of a German joke: a Volkswagen that costs £65,000.

Jeremy

But actually... it isn't funny.

Jeremy

Apparently, Piëch insisted that you should be able to drive the Phaeton all day at 186 miles an hour, when it's 120 degrees outside, and the air conditioning must be able to maintain a temperature in the car of 71.6 degrees. My! I bet he was fun to go out with of an evening.

Jeremy

And round at the front, things get even more... German.