Ken (introducing Tommy to a bartender): Tommy, I want you to meet Clyde. He knows how to squeeze a ball.
S2 E18Tommy's Girlfriend II
S2 E19Hard Ass
It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
AAmy
Yeah. And I'm looking at her.
There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
I'm not gay!
Yeah, tell it to your shirt.
S2 E20Private Dave
TTitus
Dave, thank God you're not dead!
Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
TTitus
I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!
[After throwing Titus through a window]
SGSgt. Gordon
Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.
Titus (opens the recruitment office's door, cockily): Excuse me...bus station soldier! (laughs as he enters to retrieve the paper. A few seconds later, Titus is hurled through the office window, with everyone outside reacting in shock)
S2 E21Three Strikes
MMichael
This will be my third strike.
He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Get to the bad part!
CCop
We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
Please tell me they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
TTitus
Dave!
I mean, my secret stash of... pot.
S2 E22The Pit
Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
JLJay Leno
That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
No.
JLJay Leno
Then shut up, then!
People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.
S2 E23The Pendulum
You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
Cars are heavy.
Everybody knows that!
So does he, thanks to me!
S2 E24The Wedding
TTitus
Where's my tux?
Somebody's bringing it.
TTitus
"Somebody" who?
Nobody. Dave.
TTitus
No!
[walking in with tux] "I'm getting married in five days." Well, lies, lies, LIES!
BBill
Where is all of this anger coming from?
Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!
Okay, Dad's not good at marriage, so I don't want him sitting next to...anybody. Erin's parents, gotta keep them separated. Marriage will make people do funny things, like suffer through 35 years of mutual hate and soul-torturing pain that can never be erased. (whispers): They're Catholic. [...] Okay, put Dave next to Erin's sister...no, that's a drug deal waiting to happen. We have Michael, Erin's brother...oh, great, now I have to invite cops.
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