SShannon
People screaming in the front yard. It must be a Titus family party.
S3 E16Same Courtesy
S3 E17After Mrs. Shafter
[Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]
Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?
(Tommy is threatening to stab Ken with a knife)
TTitus
Tommy, I get it. I remember the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife. Welcome to the family. (to Ken): You got this.
Yeah.
(scene flips to Ken threatening to stab Tommy)
TTitus
And that's what happened the first time I tried to stab my dad with a knife.
S3 E18The Visit
My mom's not a bad person. She just has bad people living inside her. She's very creative in the way she hurts people. She could've been famous, but she wouldn't sign the Batman villain release form.
Erin's the kind of woman who can rip your head off and make you feel like a bad boy. God, that's sexy. (shrugs) I'm damaged.
S3 E19Insanity Genetic(1)
TTitus
Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
Did she take anyone else out with her?
SStewardess
Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
[through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."
S3 E20Insanity Genetic(2)
[The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]
We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
[straight cut to Titus]
Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.
TTitus
If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.
[cut to Dave]
So, he wants Ford dead...
S3 E21The Protector
[A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]
I hate bullies!
You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
What's your point?
A reckless accusation can ruin a person's life, any person's like my high school rival, Mario Copono from Fremont, California. His life would suck if somebody went on national television and just said out loud that he prances around in women's underwear. Man, I hope that never happens to...Mario Copono of Fremont, California.
The Homecoming
Mental illness is a chemical imbalance that can make you hallucinate, hear voices, be insanely happy, or horribly depressed. It's actually the same symptoms of being in love. [Picks up Erin's picture] And you can never know how love is gonna go, and you're never gonna know when love ends. [Places it face down on the ledge] But you need to know that love is never over, ever, because there are 3.5 billion men in the world and 3.5 billion women. [Takes off his shirt and puts on a sombrero] And if you're bisexual, you have no excuse to not be happy. [Goes to shut off the light as usual, but holds back] You know, that she's weapons-trained... why is that so sexy?
[He leaves through the door, letting it shut behind him.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Titus pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.