Vyvyan, have you ever heard of cloning?
(pause) No.
Oh, good. Would you swear to that?
Certainly. If that's what you want. Big jobs!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
P2Policeman 2
It's a laugh, though, innit?
P1Policeman 1
What?
P2Policeman 2
That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
P1Policeman 1
Yeah. Yeah, that's a laugh.
PBPapa Bear
Who's been gobbing in my lentils?
MBMama Bear and Baby Bear
Yes! Who's been gobbing in our lentils?
PBPapa Bear
Let's go to McDonald's.
MBMama Bear and Baby Bear
Yes!
Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?
That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? That's boring.
You have won second prize in a beauty contest... [Rick Laughs] smash Rick over the head with the bank!
[Vyvyan does just that.]
It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
Mike?
No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.
In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!
Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.
Good one!
Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!
I WAS BORED!
It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.
Pollution, all around. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But always around. Pollution are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours? Ha! We're on different buses, pollution, but we're both using petrol... bombs.
[While in the bathroom, Rick shouts through the wall to Vyvyan who is still in bed in his room.]
Vyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodorant? There's a revolting hair on it and it's not one of mine!
How d'you know?
Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit.]
Not the ones on your bum you can't. Could be off your bum.
Oh, and I suppose you think being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do, do you, Vyvyan? Well, it's not!
Look, it's probably a hamster hair. He was getting a bit whiffy so I gave him a good going over.
SPS.P.G.
And was I consulted, pally? How d'you think I feel stinking like a student's armpit?
It's stealing, Vyvyan! It's common stealing, and if you ever touch it again, EVER, I'm going to the police. I will, you know. I will go to the police!
[Vyvyan punches his fist through the wall to flip Rick a two fingered a salute.]
Gotcha Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your cornflakes!
Well, I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.
Why, what are you, a spazzy?
No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.
That's the most pathetic excuse I've ev- *spots the bomb* GORDON WALTERS!
That's an atom bomb.
Oh no, it's the holocaust.
[A test card is on every television channel]
Absolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our license!
We don't.
But, haven't we got a license?
No.
But that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!" [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!
What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?
[look at Vyvyan flatly] Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan! It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
Not if you haven't got a bottom.
Vyv! Eat the telly!
That's a completely brilliant idea, Mike. I've been waiting for this for a long time!
(Right Bleedin' Bastard sees the television cable hanging out of Vyv's mouth)
BMr Bastard
Ah ha! So you do have a... you little runt!
[waving] Hello.
BMr Bastard
The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick ya.
[pointing at the cable] It's a toaster.
BMr Bastard
It's a telly, you yobbo. Give it back, I wanna nick ya!
Mr Bastard! Mr Bastard! Toaster or telly, the contents of my colleague's stomach are private property and if they get damaged in any way we sue.
I'm waiting for that phone to start ringing and the world to start bidding any second now.
Well, they better hurry up... coz Vyvyan's escaped...
[Right on cue, Vyvyan crashes through the kitchen wall on a wrecking ball trying to set off the bomb. He then enters the kitchen a moment later.]
Missed!
Ok! Pop music! Let's go! Anyone here like the Human League? [No-one is paying attention] Ok! [The song plays quietly. Two policemen run in and smash the record player]
P1Policeman 1
Right, the music's too loud! The neighbours have been complaining! You just watch your step sonny!
JMDr. Jim Morrison
Wow, what is this? Tobacco or... Pink Floyd?
That's just typical. Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich.
AAnarchist
Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em?
AAnarchist
I mean a police car, you terminal wally!
[trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?
[pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl!
[laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.