Got you, traitor! [Hits Rick in the crotch with the bat]
Ha! Ha! Missed both my legs! [grimaces]
[smacks Rick in the head with the bat] Oh, shut up.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Catches a golf ball] How's that? [Realises it is actually feces and groans in disgust, goes into bathroom and comes out] Who's been using my toothpaste?!
Vyvyan was writing an essay and he used it as Tipp-Ex.
Bastard!
Five pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco?
Uncanny!
[Rick walks into his room to find that it has indeed been turned into a roller disco.]
TCTitle Card
Underneath the Staircase: A Look at Everyday Life Beneath the Stairs
CCloth
Oh dear me, ma'am. I know it's our job to look after the young gentlemen as best we can, but I can't help but feel Young Master Neil do treat us very rough sometimes.
BBrush
And so he should, young Lucy, for we love it. The complete negation of our personalities, the mind numbing servility, and the eighteen-hour day, and we expect no reward but a staircase over our heads.
PSPolish Spray
Oh yes, the personal abuse is our lot. And the further back you go, the better it was!
BBrush
Now, everyone, the masters are coming downstairs to beat us. Not a peep out of you. Best behaviour, or you'll have me to answer to!
[Neil, Vyvyan and Rick are digging in the basement for oil. Unlike Rick and Neil who are using pickaxes, Vyvyan is using his head whilst wearing a helmet.]
Oh, sorry, Vyv.
[Vyvyan slowly stands up only to have the pickaxe right through his head.]
[calmly] That's ok, Neil. It was bound to happen... sooner or later [faints].
Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat.
AAlexei
[the band leader] This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei?
AAlexei
Yeah, he's my uncle, actually, you know.
It's incredible! You're as like as two peas.
I'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.
[despondently] Oh, uh. Ok Rick. [Audience awws]
What?
What?
What did you just say?
Huh?
You just called me a bastard didn't you!
Oh, and Neil? I want that ₤1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies.
[to audience] By the way, it was a complete lie about the oil.
What are you doing, Vyvyan?
I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan.
Why not?
It's only nine words.
[writing] Corn...flakes!
[to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?
SSuggs
You 'um it, I'll smash your face in.
[taken aback] I'll go sit over there...
Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (Going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!
Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!
VSVyvyan's Mum
Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...
Hello.
And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
[laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Ooh. He is a bastard, isn't he?
Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
[Vyvyan pushes Rick off his chair, knocking him onto the floor. Vyvyan's Mum steps over to Rick and kicks him.]
VSVyvyan's Mum
Now dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?
Ok, Mum.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.
Neil, wanna see my new trick? [Neil meditates] Mike, do you want to see my new trick?
No, I'm busy with the paper.
Rick?
No, I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]
Look! Watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you! [Slices off a finger on his hand] Brilliant, hey!... Oh, dear... Wrong finger... Aaugh, ah, ah, ah, aaaugh!
Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!
Let's do something, we're bored stupid!
Ha! Ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?
I just knew you were gonna say that!
That's a complete lie, you poof!
I knew you were gonna say that too!
[Vyvyan smashes Rick over the head with a bottle.]
You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?!
(awkwardly) Alright, Vyvyan, no I didn't know that. [Vyvyan laughs.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.