[Scumbag are back in play]
So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Vyvyan.
[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil [feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Footlights, Snot.
SLord Snot
It's me, isn't it?
No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
I'm completely bloody sick of this! [he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
MSMs. Money-Sterling
It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Ok, Bambi. Let's hear another.
So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
VOVoice-over
Scumbag, Mike.
Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
[Mike buzzes in again]
The world's stupidest bottom burp?
[Neil buzzes in]
NeilRick, Britain!
And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?
[Rick buzzes in]
It was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!
[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]
DDoctor
Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.
DDoctor
Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...
[End credits roll as he is talking]
Neil
I'm not cooking Vyvyan. I'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.
Neil, is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table? I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! Do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid hippie.
Neil
No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you ok, so like sit down.
What do you mean sit down? There's only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off each other?
Neil
That's not important Rick.
Well, I think it is rather important actually, I happen to be rather attached to my bottom.
Well, I've got a couple of seats in my car.
All right we'll have to use them then.
No, they're attached. I mean, you sit in them while your driving. I suppose I could drive the whole car in?
No no no better idea, we'll go out there!
Ah ha! (Vyvyan and Rick start to walk outside)
Neil
No, wait guys guys, what about my scary story?
Oh that's true we won't be able to hear Neil from out there!
Oh well you'll just have to make us a tape Neil.
No, that's no good, my cassette's bust!
Oh then you'll just have to come out there with us.
No, good either i've only got two seats.
Neil
I could go in the boot?
No, no Neil cause if you so much as touch my car I'm gonna kill you! Remember?
Neil
Oh right yeah.
Neil? (Whispers in Neils ear)
Neil
Oh yeah right great idea Mike. Er guys i've got something well scary to lay on you OK, so like squat down.
Squatting, right on, youth control, no rent.
Neil
Well... (Rick interrupts him)
Neil, is it my imagination or has this table shrunk?
Neil
That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes right. Strange things keep happening, furniture keeps disappearing, plates keep moving about the place and last night, I found, my guitar, on the fire. Do you know what this means?
VRVyvyan & Rick
Yeah, it means.. (Neil stops them)
Neil
No! Yeah! It means we've got a polterghoost!!
Don't be stupid Neil, there's no such thing.
Yeah don't be such a spasmo Neil, theres a perfectly good explanation for any phenonemon you might encounter.
Neil
Oh yeah well how do you explain the table shrinking then?
Erm well, I did that actually, like this [pulls out a chain saw and cuts off all the legs of the chair Mike is sitting on.] See! Corr, Mike's floating!! How's that done then?
Arrggghhh!! Get a priest! Get a Vicar! I believe in God!
Never mind a priest, call an ambulance!
I've just nailed my legs to the table!
Neil
I'm writing to my bank manager, see what you think, OK? "Dear bank manager..."
Neil
Well, that's it. I'm quite pleased with it so far.
Oh, well, it's a strong opening, certainly.
I don't like the "dear". Sounds a bit too much like "will you go to bed with me?"
Neil
Nicely spotted, Vyvyan. What do you think instead?
Neil
"Darling bank manager..."
Oh, no, no, no, no! Not "bank manager". It's far too crawly bum-lick. Tell it like it is, put "fascist bully boy".
Neil
"Darling fascist bully boy..."
That's nice, yeah, so far so good, so what do you want to say?
Neil
Well, basically I want to ask him if I can have, like, an extension on my overdraft, but I know there must be a better way of putting it than that.
Well, what about, "give me some more money"?
Neil
Don't you think that's a bit strong?
No, Neil, people like that respect strength.
Neil
Yeah, you're right. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard..." Uh... "Love, Neil."
Not "love, Neil"! That sounds far too much like "come and get it like a bitch-funky sex machine".
Neil
Yeah, you're right. Uh... What about "yours sincerely"?
Oh, come off it, Neil! If you're going to be that sycophantic, why don't you go there now and stick your tongue straight down the back of his trousers?
Neil
Oh, look, I know, I know, why not put "Boomshanka"?
Ahh... that's hard to tell, Neil. What does it mean?
Neil
It means "May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman".
Ah-ha! And WHAT makes you think your bank manager's a man?
Neil
His beard.
He'll never understand "Boomshanka". You'll have to write the whole thing out.
Neil
Right, ok, here we go. "Darling fascist bully boy, give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman, Neil."
Well, if that doesn't work, I don't know what will.
The only problem is we're running out of fuel. [scrunches the letter up and hands it to Vyvyan] Vyv, chuck it on the fire. [Vyvyan does so and all four scramble toward the fire, trying to get warm]
[clutching his stomach] OH! OH NO! The contractions are starting! I'm gonna have a baby!
Neil
Quick, quick, Mike, Mike! Get some boiling towels... er, Rick, clean water. Vyvyan, Vyvyan, sit down, take the weight off your feet.
What d'you mean "sit down"?! There aren't any chairs!
Yeah, and all the towels have been burnt.
Neil
Oh, no! We've got to buy some furniture for Vyvyan, quickly!
We can't! We haven't got any money! Vyvyan's baby will be a pauper! Oliver Twist! Geoffrey Dickens! Back to Victorian values! [to camera] I hope you're satisfied, Thatcher!
VVicar
What-ho, I'm the vicar.
Well you'd better be, otherwise you'd look right girlie in that dress.
VVicar
[pokes Vyvyan in the eye] Right. Anyone tell the stiffie joke?
[rubbing his eye] Yes. Rick has.
VVicar
Yeah, well, forget about that then. Right. C'mon, let's get on with it, then. Let's get it over with. Oh, bloody hell. [As everyone takes their places around the open grave, the Vicar pulls out a small metal flask and starts slurping]
Crikey, it's a bit early for that, isn't it?
VVicar
My God, you're right! [drops the flask, spilling the contents, then pulls out a large whiskey bottle] Better get some of this down me before I have any of that, for starters. [takes a big gulp] Right, now, um, oh, yes! Ashes to ashes....
[singing] Funk to funky, we know Major Tom's a junkie...
VVicar
[grabs Rick by the collar] Shaddup! [punches Rick, causing him to fall into the grave]
Help! I've just fallen into a grave!
Brilliant! Let's fill it in! [grabs the shovel from Neil]
Neil
No! No! We can't bury Rick alive!
That's absolutely correct, Neil. We better kill him first!
I don't see what all the fuss is about. Vampires only attack virgins!
[Awkward pause]
Yeah, uh, it's not myself I'm worried about, Vyv. It's Rick and Neil I'm worried about.
Me, a virgin? Ha! [Increasingly scared] Just try telling that to some of the foxy chicks who owe me favours!
Neil
Well, if Rick's not a virgin them I'm not either!
Well, we'll find out shortly, 'cause the vampire's gonna know, and if anyone gets attacked, then we'll know they're a sissy virgin! [Quietly] God, I hope snogging with SPG counts!
[Later]
Neil
He's gonna get us and turn us all into vampires! And we'll all be dead and yet still alive! Like Leonard Cohen!
Ok, guys! There's only one way out. We've all got to lose our virginity. Now!
But how, Mike? [Beat] Oh, no! Bags not Rick!
Neil
[Confused] Bags not... Neil?
Neil
You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
I don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
Neil
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)
(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.
Neil
Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.
Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...
Neil
No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
HHelen
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.
VMVyvyan, Mike & Neil
(Look at Rick) Eh?
No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?
HHelen
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.
Neil
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding...
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
