A character in The Young Ones
Played by Nigel Planer
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in The Young Ones: in 62 of its 138 quotes
Most scenes with: Vyvyan (46), Rick (40), Mike (34)
I'm waiting for that phone to start ringing and the world to start bidding any second now.
NeilWell, they better hurry up... coz Vyvyan's escaped...
[Right on cue, Vyvyan crashes through the kitchen wall on a wrecking ball trying to set off the bomb. He then enters the kitchen a moment later.]
Missed!
NeilIt was getting really hot. Then I thought, oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.
Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
NeilWhat? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a very selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there, you could have given me away!
[Neil is going over whose food is whose in the fridge]
My potion! My potion as well.
NeilWhat potion?
It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!
Neil[Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?
Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!
Neil[with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
Yes, I bet that too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]
Hey, Neil.
NeilYes, Mike?
Come over here.
NeilYou want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?
No, I don't.
NeilOh.
Where's my breakfast?
Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!
NeilOh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!
So why haven't you gone?
NeilWell, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!
There's plenty of money in the kitty!
NeilYeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
[wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!
[pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!
Heerrree's Jerzei!
It's Mr. Balowski!
How did he get in here?!
NeilWell, you could eat him instead, actually.
Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!
Oh, my God! He's turned into an homicidal axe-wielding maniac!
NeilWhy didn't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came; you do the cooking, I'll look after the plants and the goldfish.
NeilYeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
Er, sausages! It was a Tuesday.
NeilYeah, sausages and?
Sausages and plants and goldfish! Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil, now you discharge yours.
NeilI mean, come on guys, you can tell me, truthfully, do I smell?
Yes.
NeilCome on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes?
We mean, yes you smell. Smelly!
Neil[clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah.
[Rick is trying to commit suicide]
I feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you: nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic!
[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]
Neil[upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!
NeilI think I'm going up to my room for a bit!
[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]
This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]
And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]
Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.
[After the guys kill a loose sock]
Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!
We can't Mike.
Why not?
Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]
[Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
[Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
"Neil"[Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
[grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!
[Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!
["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
"Neil"Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]
Cor! That was quick!
[They enter the launderette. Vyvyan's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyvyan points at the knickers.]
Oi!
[The knickers fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the launderette, choking and gagging]
[spits out the guys' dirty clothes] No way!
NeilOh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!
[opens up] Phwoar!
Now!
[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open.]
NeilOh, what's the time?
Vyv, here's your chance. [Shows him his watch.] See the big hand there?
Yeah.
That's on the two, right.
Yep.
And the little hand is on that one there just before the twelve, now what's that one?
Eleven?
Perfectly excellent. So what's the time?
Er... half past five!
[Vyvyan sees a sign whilst on the train]
"Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?
[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
[The headless Vyvyan hastily pulls the communication cord, stopping the train.]
Oh, good heavens, what now?!
Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?
NeilOh no, we'll never get there on time now!
Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[On the tracks outside, Vyvyan's headless body is stumbling around, while his head shouts at him]
Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!
[At the TV studios, the guys walk past a guard.]
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
NeilWell, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
NeilYeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
It's my mascot!
A pig?
No!
It is.
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Looks exactly like a pig.
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
Scumbag College? So you finally made it.
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
Shut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
NeilI'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
NeilThat wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".
Neil[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
Well, are you going to let us win?
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]
[The guys are now on University Challenge]
Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag! [Audience boo at Scumbag] See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [headbutts Teddy bear]
Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...
Hello.
Lord Snot...
[Lord Snot gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Ms. Money-Sterling...
[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
Hi!
And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...
Hello.
Prick... [A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name] Vyvyan... and Neil.
NeilVegetable rights and peace.
[The game begins.]
So, your starter for ten, no conferring. Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...
[Neil buzzes in]
Scumbag, Neil.
NeilEr, can I go to the toilet, please?
No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five-point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
Footlights, Monty.
Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?
Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?
Certainly, will £50 do?
Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Battle of Bannockburn!
Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]
NeilBuzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.
NeilOh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]
Who said 'Lawks-a-lordy, my bottom's on fire'?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
Lenin!
Yes, well I can accept that, though the exact answer was Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, five points. And what is the chemical equation for...
[Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
I've got a Porsche. Hee hee!
[pause] Yes, well that's not exactly what I've got written on the card, but I knew your father, so Footlights lead by 25 points.
Daddy sends hugs. Hee hee!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
