A character in The Young Ones
Played by Nigel Planer
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in The Young Ones: in 62 of its 138 quotes
Most scenes with: Vyvyan (46), Rick (40), Mike (34)
Who are you?
I'm a Knight, of the Square Table.
'Square' Table?
Well, King Arthur doesn't think I'm cool and hip enough to be at the Round Table, on account of some of my suits of armour still have flares.
You can't get much squarer than that.
NeilNo shut up, Mike! [To Knight] There's nothing wrong with flares.
Neil, have you upset the neigbours?
NeilNo, Mike, I've blown them up.
Phew! And who said Sunday was day of rest?
God did.
That's right! I knew it was someone Tory.
NeilI'll die if I miss Scooby-Doo!
Too bloody right, Neil! Everybody panic!
NeilVyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision!
STOP SHOUTING NEIL!!
NeilStop shouting yourself!
I AM NOT SHOUTING!!
NeilYes, you are!
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!
[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.
[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
NeilYeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.
Why aren't you dead?!
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.
[Takes out paper and pencil]
NeilYou haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!
What this? [Holding a fish]
It's a fish, mate.
Oh, thanks.
[writing] Dear Mr. Echo....
Why did I do that?
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants!
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)
Hang on a minute, I haven't finish my sentence. I meant to say: What's this fish doing in my bed?
It's not in your bed, Mike.
Mike': Oh yeah. Right, right, yeah. Thanks Vyv.
[takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!
You put that back! That's my personal property!
NeilYou just said all property is theft, Rick.
Well, yes, it is.
Yeah, so I'm nicking it.
Stop! Thief! Thief!
Dear me, what a... what a ghastly smell!
NeilYeah, that's Vyvyan, Mummy. He's going to be a doctor.
How d'you do!
Oh, fascinating! I think I'm going to be sick.
[The introduction to The Good Life starts playing]
[Ripping up the introduction to The Good Life] NO, NO, NO, NO! WE ARE NOT WATCHING THE BLOODY GOOD LIFE! BLOODY, BLOODY, BLOODY! I HATE IT! IT'S SO BLOODY NICE! FELICITY "TREACLE" KENDAL, AND RICHARD "SUGAR FLAVOURED SNOT" BRIERS! WHAT DO THEY DO NOW? CHOCOLATE BLOODY BUTTON ADS, THAT'S WHAT! THEY'RE NOTHING BUT A COUPLE OF REACTIONARY STEREOTYPES, CONFIRMING THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE IN BRITAIN IS A LOVABLE MIDDLE CLASS ECCENTRIC, AND I HATE THEM!!
That was a highly articulate outburst, Vyvyan. I only hope they're not watching.
Well you can stop now, Vyvyan. You can just about blummin' well zip it up! Because if you've got anything horrid to say about Felicity Kendal, then you can just about blummin' well say it to me first!
Rick, I just did!
Oh you did, did you? Well I ought to give a ruddy great punch on the bottom for what you just said! You're talking about the woman I love!
NeilAnd me, I love her too!
Well I agree with the spotty twerps on that one. Felicity Kendal is sweetly pretty, just what a real girly should be. I mean, speaking as a Feminist myself I can safely say this; that Felicity Kendal is a wonderful woman, and I want to protect her.
Well, it's the first time I've ever heard it called that!
Neil(holding a cake) Surprise!
(crawling with his back aflame) More of a shock really, Neil! It's not every day someone deliberately sets fire to you during a cricket match!
(extinguishes the fire on Rick's back) Shut up, Rick, no one's on fire. Neil, it's not often you interest me, but today you have. Why do you keep running in here carrying a cake and yelling "Surprise!"?
NeilWell, because it's my birthday, Mike.
Now, you knew that anyway, and we don't care, so where's the surprise?
I can't believe it. My parents... are dead.
NeilYou think that's bad...
Well yes I do actually! What's it to you piss-face?!
[After a bank job. Everyone jumps into Vyvyan's car. But he drives it directly into a lamp-post.]
[hysterical] Oh, what have I done?! [sobs]
C'mon, Vyv, there's no time for that now.
My car! My beautiful, beautiful car!
Oh, no, it's the pigs! This is it, guys! I'll see you later! [exits the car]
Neil[to Rick] Yellow chicken!
[to Vyvyan, who's still crying] You've got to forget about your car, Vyvyan! Start life again without it. After all, you've still got S.P.G.
I don't think so, Michael. He was asleep on the radiator!
[S.P.G. is crushed on the grill of the car. Bagpipe music plays as he floats above the car wearing angel wings and a halo.]
See you later, you little whimp.
It's fantastic! The streets are completely filled with screaming children!
NeilAll for Cliff!
Well, not exactly, Neil... a bomb's gone off.
You mean you let a bomb off, Vyvyvan.
Look, what I had for breakfast is completely my own affair thank you, Michael.
NeilLook, everyone, he's coming through the doors.
BRILLIANT! He didn't even open them!
NeilDon't do the song, right, I've got some really heavy news about Cliff that's gonna completely blow your mi... what's that smell?
Neil, go away!
[Audience awws.]
NeilDon't patronise me, you bastards! Oh, yeah, let's all sit in rows and ruin Neil's evening!
What's the message, Neil?
NeilOh, yeah, the message about Cliff, right, er... Cliff's blown out the gig.
What? You mean he's... farted?
NeilNo, no, Cliff can't come.
Why?
NeilHe's doing time.
They put him in prison for farting?! Right on!
(singing) # Got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul. #
(singing) # fies my soul! #
"Fies my soul"?
Yes, "fies my soul". It's raunchy, Vyvyan.
Hey, Cliff! I've just invented a great new sound.
[Strange clicking noises are heard.]
NeilOw!
Untie Neil's legs, Vyvyvan.
Settle down, chaps.
Neil, d'you wanna hear a great new joke?
NeilOh, yeah. Ok.
Rick, I'd get out of the way if you don't wanna get seriously hurt. Right, what d'you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?
NeilI dunno, what do you say to a stupid hippie who's standing on a pile of dynamite?
Get this, buster!
[He steps on a detonator and there's an explosion which appears to go horribly wrong as Vyvyan gasps in pain while holding his crotch.]
NeilOh, yeah. I get it. "Get this, buster!" Yeah, brilliant!
Is everyone happy? Vyvyan's whiffed out the theatre, blown his goolies off and you've stopped Cliff coming! Can we please just do the song?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
