A character in The Young Ones
Played by Rik Mayall
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Young Ones: in 85 of its 138 quotes
Most scenes with: Vyvyan (62), Neil (40), Mike (40)
[Rick demands an explanation as to why Vyvyan removed the toilet from the bathroom and threw it out the living room window]
Well now we can go to the rent tribunal. You don't have to pay as much for a house with an outside lavy!
RickReally? Well you know what I think? I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!
Got you, traitor! [Hits Rick in the crotch with the bat]
RickHa! Ha! Missed both my legs! [grimaces]
[smacks Rick in the head with the bat] Oh, shut up.
Rick[Catches a golf ball] How's that? [Realises it is actually feces and groans in disgust, goes into bathroom and comes out] Who's been using my toothpaste?!
Vyvyan was writing an essay and he used it as Tipp-Ex.
RickBastard!
RickFive pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco?
Uncanny!
[Rick walks into his room to find that it has indeed been turned into a roller disco.]
RickI'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.
[despondently] Oh, uh. Ok Rick. [Audience awws]
RickWhat?
What?
RickWhat did you just say?
Huh?
RickYou just called me a bastard didn't you!
RickWhat are you doing, Vyvyan?
I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
RickPathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan.
Why not?
RickIt's only nine words.
[writing] Corn...flakes!
Rick[to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?
You 'um it, I'll smash your face in.
Rick[taken aback] I'll go sit over there...
RickBloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (Going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!
Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!
Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...
Hello.
And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
Rick[laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Ooh. He is a bastard, isn't he?
RickTell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
[Vyvyan pushes Rick off his chair, knocking him onto the floor. Vyvyan's Mum steps over to Rick and kicks him.]
Now dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?
Ok, Mum.
Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.
Neil, wanna see my new trick? [Neil meditates] Mike, do you want to see my new trick?
No, I'm busy with the paper.
Rick?
RickNo, I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]
Look! Watch my trick you bastards or I'll kill you! [Slices off a finger on his hand] Brilliant, hey!... Oh, dear... Wrong finger... Aaugh, ah, ah, ah, aaaugh!
Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!
Let's do something, we're bored stupid!
Ha! Ha! Rick didn't have far to go, did he?
RickI just knew you were gonna say that!
That's a complete lie, you poof!
RickI knew you were gonna say that too!
[Vyvyan smashes Rick over the head with a bottle.]
You didn't know I was gonna do that, did you?!
Rick(awkwardly) Alright, Vyvyan, no I didn't know that. [Vyvyan laughs.]
RickHey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?
That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
RickWhat about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? That's boring.
You have won second prize in a beauty contest... [Rick Laughs] smash Rick over the head with the bank!
[Vyvyan does just that.]
RickIt did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
Mike?
No, he's right, Rick. That's exactly what it says.
RickIn biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
But we had to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!
RickCongratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.
Good one!
RickGet out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!
I WAS BORED!
It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.
[While in the bathroom, Rick shouts through the wall to Vyvyan who is still in bed in his room.]
RickVyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodorant? There's a revolting hair on it and it's not one of mine!
How d'you know?
RickBecause I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit.]
Not the ones on your bum you can't. Could be off your bum.
RickOh, and I suppose you think being rude first thing in the morning is a terribly trendy thing to do, do you, Vyvyan? Well, it's not!
Look, it's probably a hamster hair. He was getting a bit whiffy so I gave him a good going over.
And was I consulted, pally? How d'you think I feel stinking like a student's armpit?
RickIt's stealing, Vyvyan! It's common stealing, and if you ever touch it again, EVER, I'm going to the police. I will, you know. I will go to the police!
[Vyvyan punches his fist through the wall to flip Rick a two fingered a salute.]
RickGotcha Vyvyan! Using my ketchup on your cornflakes!
Well, I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.
RickWhy, what are you, a spazzy?
No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.
RickThat's the most pathetic excuse I've ev- *spots the bomb* GORDON WALTERS!
That's an atom bomb.
Oh no, it's the holocaust.
[A test card is on every television channel]
RickAbsolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our license!
We don't.
RickBut, haven't we got a license?
No.
RickBut that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!" [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!
What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?
Rick[look at Vyvyan flatly] Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan! It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
Not if you haven't got a bottom.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
