A character in The Young Ones
Played by Rik Mayall
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in The Young Ones: in 85 of its 138 quotes
Most scenes with: Vyvyan (62), Neil (40), Mike (40)
RickOk! Pop music! Let's go! Anyone here like the Human League? [No-one is paying attention] Ok! [The song plays quietly. Two policemen run in and smash the record player]
Right, the music's too loud! The neighbours have been complaining! You just watch your step sonny!
Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
RickYeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em?
I mean a police car, you terminal wally!
Rick[trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?
[pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl!
Rick[laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!
[Neil announces he's doing an inventory of the kitchen]
RickNeil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels!
Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it?
RickYes.
[mock sympathy] Oh, sod it! I'm very sorry Rick, I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!
[Neil is going over whose food is whose in the fridge]
My potion! My potion as well.
What potion?
It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!
[Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?
Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!
[with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
RickYes, I bet that too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]
[When Rick is asking who ate his apple.]
What were you doing, saving it for teacher? Trying to keep the doctor away?!
RickIf he's anything like you, YES! Did you take it, Mike?
Well, if you're gonna sin you might as well be original.
RickWhat's that supposed to mean?
I don't know.
Hey, Neil.
Yes, Mike?
Come over here.
You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?
No, I don't.
Oh.
Where's my breakfast?
Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!
Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!
So why haven't you gone?
Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!
RickThere's plenty of money in the kitty!
Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
[wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!
Rick[pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!
Heerrree's Jerzei!
RickIt's Mr. Balowski!
How did he get in here?!
Well, you could eat him instead, actually.
Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!
RickOh, my God! He's turned into an homicidal axe-wielding maniac!
RickHonestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
I don't know why you bother ever.
[Rick is trying to commit suicide]
RickI feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you: nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic!
[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]
[upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!
I think I'm going up to my room for a bit!
[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]
RickThis house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]
RickAnd then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]
Don't look at me. I'm irrelevant.
[After the guys kill a loose sock]
Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!
We can't Mike.
Why not?
Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]
[Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
"Rick"[Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
[Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
"Rick"Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
[grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!
[Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] OK, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid girly bonnet off!
["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]
Cor! That was quick!
[They enter the launderette. Vyvyan's dust-bin liner full of laundry emits green smoke. A pair of knickers is too slow in following him. Vyvyan points at the knickers.]
Oi!
[The knickers fly into the launderette after him. Several people flee the launderette, choking and gagging]
[Vyvyan sees a sign whilst on the train]
"Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?
[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
[The headless Vyvyan hastily pulls the communication cord, stopping the train.]
RickOh, good heavens, what now?!
Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
RickWell, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?
Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!
Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[On the tracks outside, Vyvyan's headless body is stumbling around, while his head shouts at him]
Over here! Over here! Hurry up about it, will you! [Vyvyan's body stands over his head] You took your time, you bastard!
[At the TV studios, the guys walk past a guard.]
[to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
[checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
Yeah, that was on the 24th. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
It's my mascot!
A pig?
No!
It is.
It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Looks exactly like a pig.
Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Merrick is known as "The Elephant Man", Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
RickHave you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
[in thought balloon] That's nothing; someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
Scumbag College? So you finally made it.
Bambi, Bambi, my main man! So good to see you. You're looking good, albeit you've lost a lot of fur since we last met, and you're walking on two legs now I see, but still the same old Bambi!
[Neil is crying softly]
RickShut up, Neil, shut up! What's the matter?
I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Bambi. I'm just remembering, like, that bit when you got lost in the snow, and the little rabbit found you, it was so beautiful...
Yeah, I liked the bit where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
That wasn't in "Bambi", Vyvyan!
It was in the sequel, Neil. "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with His Drill and Sex".
[gravely] Is that true, Bambi? Did you do a Disney nasty?
So what if I did? I'm not apologising. My life collapsed after "Bambi". I was a lovable fawn, all right, unusable for anything else. I did the Babycham stuff, sure, thanks to Mike here, but... I was finished. When the porn "Bambi" came along, well, I thought, this is where I get something back... If it hadn't been for the chance to present University Challenge and start a new life, I'd be giving executive relief to woodland creatures to this very day.
RickWell, are you going to let us win?
No, of course not, the posh kids win, they always do. Come on.
[on his way out, Vyvyan leaves the pig with the guard]
[Scumbag are back in play]
So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
Scumbag, Vyvyan.
[pause] What?
Rick[to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil [feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Footlights, Snot.
It's me, isn't it?
No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
Oh, damn!
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
I'm completely bloody sick of this! [he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake] Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
[whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Ok, Bambi. Let's hear another.
So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of marshmallows stuffed up one nostril?
[Mike buzzes in]
Scumbag, Mike.
Er, 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.
I told you that, Mike, you bloody cheat!
Ten points, Scumbag, and your question. Who produced the world's stickiest bogey?
[Mike buzzes in again]
Toxteth O'Grady.
Correct, five points.
[to Mike] You bum-bag!
The world's stupidest bottom burp?
[Neil buzzes in]
Rick, Britain!
Correct, five points.
RickIt is not!
And finally, for five bonus points to take you into the lead - who's been tampering with my question cards?
[Rick buzzes in]
RickIt was me! It was me! [the audience boo at Scumbag] Damn! Damn!
[Scumbag are constantly booed at, and pelted with rubbish, until they're crushed by a giant éclair. The scene changes when a doctor picks up the éclair]
Oh no, this sticky bun's covered with human beings the size of amoebas. [he feeds the éclair to an elephant] Here, Jumbo. Get that down your esophagus.
Very good.
Anyway, as I was saying, the most interesting theory...
[End credits roll as he is talking]
Rick! Where'd you find all that firewood?
RickUm, between my legs.
[takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.
RickWell, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.
What a revolting thought!
This calls for a celebration! Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!
Oh, certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]
RickYou Bastards! That's my record player!
You said it was your record player!
No I didn't Mike. I said let's throw Rik's record player on the fire...that will be good for a laugh!
Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick.
RickYes, it is now give it back!
Ok!
[Hands back to him a burnt piece of his record player, to which Rick whines and hands it back to Vyvyan. He places it on the fire again.]
RickMy parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!
Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed them all!
RickThat's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...
Rick, were all completely broke so we have to make sacrifices. I have generously donated my used tissue collection. Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns!
RickYes, well never mind all that now. I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...[Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg] Oowww!!!
Looks like supper's ready!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Young Ones pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
