You mean, you, like, scored with a chick?
Well, of course, I wouldn't put it in such sexist terms, Neil, but yes.
Now, wait a minute, Rick. I'm the one who gets the girls around here. There could be a copyright problem.
VyvyanI don't understand. How? Was she unconscious?
What, Vyvyan? Do I detect a little spark of jealousy?
Vyvyan
Ha! I'm not jealous. I find the idea of spending a night with you completely revolting!
You know perfectly well what I mean. Just because I was the most wanted and attractive guy at the party last night...
What do you mean, Rick? You passed out after half a glass of cider.
Did I? Blimey, that's a bit anarchic! Anyway, it just goes to show you, Neil. Even when I'm unconscious, I can pick up the birds. Erm, I mean, forge meaningful relationships with birds... chicks... tarts... women. Women!
(When asked about his night he spent with the girl, but he has no recollection of what happened.)
(awkward) Well... it was... sort of... sort of... sexy.
Vyvyan
Oh, God. I think I'm gonna be violently and copiously sick.
Go into really lengthy and vivid detail about the whole thing.
Vyvyan
Well, I'm gonna bend over and open my mouth. And wait for the muscles of my alimentary canal to go into spasm...
No, not you, Vyvyan! Rick.
HHelen
I hope you don't mind me spending the night, but I was desperate for somewhere to stay. And when I saw you had all gone away for the weekend, I just climbed in the kitchen window, found an empty bed and went to sleep.
VMVyvyan, Mike & Neil
(Look at Rick) Eh?
No, no, no, darling. No. It wasn't an empty bed, was it? Cause I was in there, wasn't I?
HHelen
Were you? You weren't when I woke up.
Rick, you bloody liar! You said you'd done it to her- [To Helen] he said he'd done it to you.
Look, there's obviously been some ghastly misunderstanding...
Vyvyan
Ah ha ha ha ha! Rick is STILL A VIRGIN!
Vyvyan
Virgin, virgin, virgin!
I don't know what it is, but every time I pull at Neil's ankles big flakes of crusty skin come off underneath my fingernails.
Vyvyan
That's only his cornflakes, Michael. He keeps them in his socks to stop me from stealing them.
What a nerdy! [to audience] I just initial mine individually with sticky labels.
Vyvyan
[to audience] That doesn't worry me. I just eat the labels as well.
[Vyvyan is trying to blow up Rick with his howitzer for not admitting to be a virgin.]
No, Vyvyan! Please! Look, you were right and I was wrong. I am a virgin.
Vyvyan
Not for long, matey! [fires at Rick again]
Vyv, will you zip it, you're giving me tunnel vision!
I BLOODY WELL AM NOT!!! IF YOU WANT TO HEAR SHOUTING MATEY THIS IS IT!!!
[Rick starts yelling like a baby, whilst Vyvyan lights a Molotov cocktail]
Vyvyan
It's funny, but being ill makes me lose my usual tolerant and easygoing approach to communal living.
[Vyvyan throws the Molotov cocktail into Rick's bedroom, which explodes]
Oh, well, how ruddy considerate, Vyvyan. Thank you very much!
Yeah, thanks, Vyv. That petrol bomb's really cleared my sinuses.
Vyvyan
Why aren't you dead?!
I'm not prepared to discuss it with you, Vyvyan. You will be hearing from my solicitors in the morning. I'm going to write to my MP.
[Takes out paper and pencil]
You haven't got an MP, Rick. You're an anarchist.
Oh. Well, then I shall write to the lead singer of Echo and the Bunnymen!
What this? [Holding a fish]
Vyvyan
It's a fish, mate.
[writing] Dear Mr. Echo....
Vyvyan
Why did I do that?
Ah, Vyvyan, beginning to regret it now, are you?
Vyvyan
Of course I'm beginning to regret it. That was nearly a full bottle of vodka! That's £7.99 you owe me, ploppy pants!
Oh, stop being so blinking bourgeoisie! All property is theft, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan
All right, then. Where's your girlie purse? (...)
Hang on a minute, I haven't finish my sentence. I meant to say: What's this fish doing in my bed?
Vyvyan
It's not in your bed, Mike.
Mike': Oh yeah. Right, right, yeah. Thanks Vyv.
Vyvyan
[takes Rick's coin purse, removes some money] Ha ha! Found it!
You put that back! That's my personal property!
You just said all property is theft, Rick.
Vyvyan
Yeah, so I'm nicking it.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Hello, Vyvyan!
Vyvyan
Piss off!
VSVyvyan's Mum
That's no way to talk to your mother, Vyvyan!
Vyvyan
Alright then... piss off, Mum!
VSVyvyan's Mum
That's better.
Vyvyan
What d'you want?
VSVyvyan's Mum
Well, what're Mums for?
Vyvyan
I dunno, having babies?
VSVyvyan's Mum
Don't be so sexist, Vyvyan! (twists the crotch of his jeans.)
Vyvyan
(gasps in pain) I'm sorry, Mum.
VSVyvyan's Mum
No, I heard you was ill so I bought you a present.
Vyvyan
The last present you gave me was a box of matches.
VSVyvyan's Mum
That was a joke.
Vyvyan
I was only eight weeks old... well, what've you bought me this time?
VSVyvyan's Mum
A bottle of vodka.
Vyvyan
(smiles) Oh, brilliant! Thanks, Mum! (tips the bottle and nothing comes out.) This is empty.
VSVyvyan's Mum
Ha! Ha! Up yours, ugly!
NSNeil's Father
Now why couldn't you be in one of those nice situation comedies that your mother likes. Like, uh, what's the thing called...?
Vyvyan
Grange Hill!
NSNeil's Father
Yes! That's the one.
[Scene changes to School Corridor. Two school boys run in.]
BEBen Elton
So that's settled. We'll organise a protest against school uniforms!
SSpaz
Great! We can use the banners left over from the last protest we organised, so that racism wouldn't be an issue in this school.
BEBen Elton
Good idea. I'll get Mucka, Ducka, Trucka and Sucka, and you get Spaz.
BEBen Elton
Oh. I better get him as well then. Come on!
[They run into a teacher.]
SSpaz
Oh! Sorry, Mr. Liberal. We were just on our way to...
LMr. Liberal
Now hang on you pair of scruffy tear-aways. Don't you realise that the way you act is influencing millions of children to talk Cockney and be insubordinate?
BEBen Elton
Oh, come on, sir. We're the only kids in Britain who never say f-
NSNeil's Mother
You must be joking! I don't watch that ghastly programme!
NSNeil's Father
I'm sorry, my dear. It was my mistake. I meant The Good Life.
NSNeil's Mother
Oh, yes. That's the one.
The Young Ones · 138 quotes
