The West Wing · Season 3
[holding up an envelope] What's this?
I don't know. It's marked "personal."
You don't know who sent it?
There's no return address.
Think it's porn?
I don't know.
'Cause I'm pretty tired, but if it's porn--I mean really good porn--by the way if my innocent joking's making you uncomfortable in any way--
No, I'm hoping it's porn.
This isn't bad, Sam. Let me show you bad. [they walk out to where all the TVs are running the ad]
Oh, God.
It's on free media. Everywhere. All day, all night, for free. You got played, Sam. And you forgot that all warfare is based on deception.
There's no way you're letting me walk out the door, so what is it we're doing?
I'm sorry?
What's your plan for me?
I don't have a plan.
Are you gonna let me drive myself home?
No. [holding up something] I've got your spark plug. Is that what you meant?
You've got my spark plug?
And your battery. Fuel pump, starter relay, timing belt, the ignition fuse. And well also the engine, I guess.
Did you leave me anything?
Wiper fluid. You can clean your windshield. No, actually, you need the battery.
Anything else, Agent Sunshine?
It's Special Agent Sunshine, but that couldn't matter less.
I'm not going to the bunker. There are going to be people who aren't going to the bunker, and when I get out I'm not going to be able to tell them what to do anymore and I like doing that. Let's get Abbey to New Hampshire but I'm not going to the bunker. And if you say I have to, I'm walking across the alley with the Chief Justice and I'm handing John Hoynes my resignation. And as soon as he's sworn in I'm telling him to appoint me his Vice President because I'm not going to the bunker. If the agents come, the agents come, but tell Ron he'd better bring more than a couple of guys.
I know it was a screw-up, but I loved how he stormed into it, full throttle, like there's now a Sam Seaborn-shaped hole in the wall.
We spent millions of dollars developing a pen for the astronauts that would work in zero gravity. Know what the Russians did?
Used a pencil?
They used a pencil.
[about replacing Mrs. Landingham] So it's been a year. Why don't you organize the search, you know for a new Executive Secretary.
Yes, sir. Absolutely.
I may not like the first couple of candidates. It may take a while.
No, I don't imagine you're going to hire somebody sir, but this is a step in the right direction.
Eliminating the term 'north' from North Dakota is an important state issue and the President feels it should be resolved on a state level. While the President is sympathetic towards the cause and understands the large economics ramifications of this name change, he feels the issue is not yet ripe for national attention. The President wishes you well on your endeavors and thanks you for your support.
Uh, Miss Moss? Are you aware that studies clearly show the word 'north' leaves the impression that this state is cold, snowy and flat, significantly depressing tourism and business startup.
With due respect, sir, your average temperature is 7 degrees. Your average snowfall: 42 inches, and a name change isn't going to take care of that.
We enjoy roughly the same climate as South Dakota. We took in 73.7 million in tourism revenue last year. They took in 1.2 billion. They have the word 'south'.
Also Mount Rushmore.
I don't know who the world's leading expert on warfare is, but any list of the top has got to include me and I can't tell when it's peacetime and wartime anymore.
Look, international law has always recognized certain protected persons who you couldn't attack. It's been this way since the Romans.
In peacetime.
Yes.
The Battle of Agincourt...this was the French fighting against the British archers. This was like a polo match. The battles were observed by heralds, and they picked the winners. And if a soldier laid down his arms, he was treated humanely...
Yeah.
And the international laws you're talking about...this is where a lot of them were written, at a time and in a place where a person could tell between peacetime and wartime. The idea of targeting one person was ridiculous. It wouldn't have occurred to the French to try to kill William Pitt. That all changed after Pearl Harbor–
I don't like where this conversation's going...
We killed Yamamoto. We shot down his plane.
We declared war...
If Dietrich Bonhoeffer had been successful...
...and the plot to kill Hitler was an internal rebellion.
...there would have been statues built of an assassin. We'd've had to explain that to our kids!
I'm going to get back to the office.
We measure the success of a mission by two things: was it successful and how few civilians did we hurt. They measure success by how many. Pregnant women are delivering bombs! You're talking to me about international laws? The laws of nature don't even apply here! I've been a soldier for thirty-eight years, and I've found an enemy I can kill. He can't cancel Shareef's trip, Leo. You've got to tell him, he can't cancel it.
[to Gov. Ritchie] In the future, if you're wondering, "Crime. Boy, I don't know" is when I decided to kick your ass.
[when Ritchie is late] If ninety percent of success is showing up, we're just happy there's someone standing up for the other ten.
He [Gov. Ritchie] said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not one person there who's ordinary.
I know.
You making fun of the Yankees?
Uh...no...
Now?
Is this a joke? If it's a joke, it's both funny and well-executed, but I think you and I both know that it's not. I send you out to replace Delores Landingham, and that's what you came home with?
Was she...?
She was an alpaca farmer who needed two tries to get her own name.
Well, sir, maybe...
Don't worry about it. I'm gonna get the Personnel Office on it. I got to go change for New York.
[Charlie walks out]
Okay. Okay, that was my fault. I didn't properly prepare you for the meeting. That was bad staff work. Before your next job interview with the President, I'm gonna remind you that you probably don't want to be stoned.
There's gonna be a second interview?
There's gonna be as many as it takes. We're gonna get this right.
Well, let me back you up a second. Have we done the first one yet?
I'm calling a cab now.
Okay.
He's [Gov. Ritchie] at the Yankee game right now?
Local news covered it. He said that this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.
I know.
You making fun of the Yankees?
Uh...no...
Now?
I'm not.
They went to the Yankee game.
He's coming at intermission.
Well, I'm not sure that suits me.
I know what you mean.
Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket.
Okay, but you're starting to freak me out a little bit.
Just talk to me a minute.
How many people are at the game?
It's a good game. About 40,000 probably.
There was an incumbent President, who was facing a primary challenge, and on the day of the primary, his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election, but...
[Toby pats Sam's cheek a few times and squishes his mouth.]
I am so... proud of you.
You're really very much freaking me out.
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