The West Wing · Season 1
[practicing the State of the Union speech] I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission, to restore the American dream for all our people as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?
Leo.
Let's take a break.
We meant 'stronger' here, right?
What does it say?
I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago?
That's a typo.
Could go either way.
Abbey phoned me up and told me about your conversation. I was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is relapsing remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks. Abbey gives me injections of something called Betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that induces attacks.
Well, you're the President of the United States, you're delivering the State of the Union tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods, hmm?
101.9.
Jed, of all the things you could've kept from me...
You haven't called me 'Jed' since I was elected.
[sits] Why didn't you tell me?
'Cause I wanted to be the President.
That wouldn't have stopped me from getting you here. And I could've been a friend.
You've been a friend.
But when it was time to really...
I know.
What have you got for me, John?
Well, um, after speaking at length this past week with your secretaries of state and defense, as well as your joint chiefs and various embassy officials, I believe this. Buy them off.
Buy them?
Yes, sir.
How?
Mr. President, for several centuries, my kingdom has ruled India with a stick and carrot. When we had a particular problem with someone, one solution we would try is to make him a maharaja. That's kind of a regional king. We would pay him off with an annual tribute, and in return, he would be loyal to the crown.
Lord Marbury, under our Constitution, our President is not empowered to create maharajas.
Yes. Thank you for clearing that up, Leo. Having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.
John, please.
You've been paying the world off since the industrial age. Foreign aid, during the Cold War was you paying dictators to be on your side. To this very day, you pay Korea not to develop nuclear weapons.
What does India want?
A computer industry, and for that, they require an infrastructure, and that is what you can give them.
Why?
It's the price you pay.
For avoiding a war halfway around the world?
For being rich, free and alive all at the same time, and for the criminally negligent behavior of your Congress in not checking the proliferation of nuclear devices.
[with the Secretary of Agriculture, Roger Tribbey, the Designated survivor staying behind during the State of the Union address]
OK, Roger. If anything happened, you know what to do, right?
I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.
First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to DEFCON 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. If he tells you he wants to bring out the National Guard, do what he tells you. [pause] You got a best friend?
Yes, sir.
Is he smarter than you?
[chuckles] Yes, sir.
Would you trust him with your life?
Yes, sir.
That's your chief of staff.
Carol, dotting the Is crossing the Ts, thank you for that.
We do our homework.
You misspelled senator.
We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.
Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.
I need you to read a report.
I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.
There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.
What is it?
We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....
Abstinence only?
Yes.
I would have no trouble passing such a class.
We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.
What's it say?
It's not good.
How's it not good?
It says basically that teaching 'abstinence only' doesn't work--that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.
Well, what are they recommending?
Something called "abstinence plus".
Abstinence plus?
Yes.
What's that mean?
Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.
Everything but?
Yes.
Ah.
Yes.
They want teachers to teach...
Yes.
And so the sticky wicket joke was..?
A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?
Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.
By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.
Get me a salad.
The hate crimes bill is fine. Who gives a damn? It's fine, I don't care. If you ask me, we shouldn't be making laws against what's in a person head but I don't give a damn, it's fine. I don't understand how this president, who I voted for, I don't understand how he can take such a completely weak ass position on gay rights. Gays in the military, same sex marriage, gay adoption, boards of education. Where the hell is he? I want to know what quality necessary to being a parent the president feels my son lacked. I want to know from this president who has served not one day in uniform - I had two terms in Vietnam - I want to know what quality necessary to being a soldier this president feels my son lacked. Lady I'm not embarrassed that my son is gay, my government is.
We never have our chats anymore, Toby.
What chats?
Our late night chats.
Did we ever do that?
No.
Is Simon Blye coming in to meet with you today?
How did you know that?
I broke into your secret schedule compartment and took infrared photos with my compact camera.
We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is gonna protect the Muppets, we're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live From Lincoln Center and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child.
Mrs. Landingham.
Yes sir?
You're not going to believe this but I think I'd actually like a banana.
I'm afraid not sir, no.
Why not?
You were offered one earlier, sir, and you were snippy.
I wasn't snippy!
I'm afraid you were, Mr. President. [looks toward the oval office] C.J.'s waiting, sir.
Thank you, Mrs. Landingham. [To CJ as he enters the Oval Office] She withholds food from me.
[on why the government should cut funding to PBS] Product licensing for this merchandise brings in over $20 million a year, none of which goes to PBS, all of which goes to the show's producer, the Children's Television Workshop. Now this is a company whose chief executive earns high six-figures in salary and benefits per year. Yet Sesame Street is subsidized by taxpayer dollars.
It's a perfectly reasonable complaint.
And?
I don't care.
Toby...
We're gonna see to all those things. In the meantime, at a time when the public is rightly concerned about the impact of sex and violence on TV this administration is gonna protect the Muppets, we're gonna protect Wall Street Week, we're gonna protect Live From Lincoln Center and by God, we are going to protect Julia Child.
If you call Mr. and Mrs. Lydell in St. Paul and ask them why...
Don't.
Look...
Don't leak me a story.
I wasn't.
I've seen this look on the face of four other press secretaries before you. You've got a story in the trash this week that's a story, you want it out there and someone said, "No."
They're all stories this week.
That happens sometimes.
Four other press secretaries and you never took a free lead?
I always took a free lead.
Then...
Not from you.
Why?
Cause twenty minutes from now, you're gonna remember you're a professional and you're not gonna like me anymore.
What makes you think I like you now?
I don't know. But, as long as you keep grabbing me and kissing me, what the hell do I care?
Good point.
If there's a story, I'll find it.
No, you won't.
How do you know?
Cause we've gotten very good at this.
Yes, you have.
C.J. Yes, we have.
The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime.
Nigeria.
Pakistan.
Saudi Arabia and Iran?
Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.
I can hold my liquor.
No, you can't.
I can drink with the best of 'em, Donna.
You can't drink with any of 'em, Josh.
I'm a politician, okay? I can drink.
You have a very sensitive system.
I wish you'd stop telling people that. It makes me sound like an idiot.
You're gonna have two drinks and spend the rest of the weekend sleeping it off.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
