By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears any day of the week.
At what?
Logarithms possibly.
S3The U.S. Poet Laureate
Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -
I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.
Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.
[pause] You're...?
[nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?
Technically, I outrank you...
So far up your ass!
Okay.
Okay.
TFTabatha Fortis
You think I think that an artist's job is to speak the truth. An artist's job is to captivate you for however long we've asked for your attention. If we stumble into truth, we got lucky, and I don't get to decide what truth is.
[about his fan website] C.J., it's a... crazy place. It's got this dictatorial leader, who I'm sure wears a muumuu and chain smokes Parliaments.
What did you go there for in the first place?
It's called LemonLyman.com.
Let me explain something to you. This is sort of my field. The people on these sites? They're the cast of One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. The muu-muu-wearing Parliament smoker? That's Nurse Ratched. When Nurse Ratched is unhappy, the patients are unhappy. You? You're McMurphy. You swoop in with your card games and fishing trips -
I didn't swoop in, I came in the exact same way everyone else did.
Well, now I'm telling you to open the wardroom window and climb on out before they give you a pre-frontal lobotomy and I have to smother you with a pillow.
[pause] You're...?
[nodding] I'm Chief Bromden, yes, at this particular moment. I'm assigning an intern from the press office to that website. They're going to check it every night before they go home. If they discover you've been there I'm going to shove a motherboard so far up your ass - What?
Technically, I outrank you...
So far up your ass!
Okay.
Okay.
I've been meaning to tell you, you've done really well this week with the open-mike thing.
Thank you.
Didn't turn out too bad.
No sir, it didn't turn out too bad at all. In fact, the whole country's talking about whether Ritchie's smart enough to be President. And you didn't take a hit, 'cause it was an accident. You know, it occurs to me that even your choice of language was interesting. "A .22 caliber mind, in a .357 magnum world." That's unusual for you, a gun metaphor. Toby mentioned to me that when each interview was over, all the interviewers wanted to talk to you about was Ritchie, and you took a pass each time. Until Philadelphia.
[Bartlet slowly looks up at her.]
Mr. President, is it possible you saw that the green light was on?
...
[smiles] That was Old School.
S3Stirred
I shall do those things.
You shall?
I shall... and I'll tell you what I'd like in exchange.
How about a weekly salary of some kind?
Yes, plus a favor.
Can I tell you what's messed up about James Bond?
Nothing.
Shaken, not stirred, will get you cold water with a dash of gin and dry vermouth. The reason you stir it with a special spoon is so not to chip the ice. James is ordering a weak martini and being snooty about it.
I love doing this.
Really?
Yeah.
Filing tax returns?
Yeah.
Okay.
What?
I was just thinking about the plurality of Americans who made the decision to pull a lever that had your name next to it.
Suckers.
They're saying I owe the federal government money?
And you don't even need a stamp. Hand it over.
There's a mistake.
Whatever. Cough it up.
It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?
MMrs. Morello
We used a translation, Mr. President.
Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.
...
[whispering] Tell her where you are.
Mrs. Morello, I am standing in the Oval Office and it is because of you.
[on the phone to her former teacher] Sally Seidelman told me you were retiring.
MMrs. Morello
At the end of this year.
Well, I... I just wanted to say. I don't know, I just... I just wanted to say... I don't know.
MMrs. Morello
Are--Are you sure everything's all right?
[whispering] Tell her where you are.
Mrs. Morello, I am standing in the Oval Office with the President of the United States and it is because of you. [silence] Mrs. Morello?
MMrs. Morello
What a thing to say. Well, we're all very proud of you, Donna.
She didn't do anything.
MMrs. Morello
Was that...?
It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello. I've got a few questions. When you taught Beowulf, did you make the kids read it in the original Middle English or did you use a translation?
MMrs. Morello
We used a translation, Mr. President.
Okay. We're going to call that the James Bond version.
S3Enemies Foreign and Domestic
[about the treatment of women in Saudi Arabia] Outraged? I'm barely surprised. This is a country where women aren't allowed to drive a car. They're not allowed to be in the company of any man other than a close relative. They're required to adhere to a dress code that would make a Maryknoll nun look like Malibu Barbie. They beheaded a hundred and twenty-one people last year for robbery, rape, and drug trafficking. They have no free press, no elected government, no political parties. And the Royal Family allows the Religious Police to travel in groups of six carrying nightsticks and they freely and publicly beat women. But 'Brutus is an honorable man.' Seventeen schoolgirls were forced to burn alive because they weren't wearing the proper clothing. Am I outraged? No, Steve; no, Mark; no, Chris: that is Saudi Arabia, our partners in peace.
NNikolai
It is freezing to cold in Reykjavik. It is freezing to cold in Helsinki. It is freezing to cold in Gstaad. Why must every American President bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club, while in com...
GGeorge
Comparison.
NNikolai
Comparison, our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.
Frumpy?
NNikolai
I don't know what "frumpy" is, but onomatopoetically, sounds right.
...
It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know 'frumpy,' but knows 'onomatopoeia.'
Mr. President.
Fitz! Fitz, you old polecat, you old so-and-so.
Trying to be "one of the fellas," sir?
Yeah.
Well, well done, sir.
[on the President] Any trip over eight hours, he tends to fire somebody at the end of it, and the last three times it's been me...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.