I told her we were commissioning a poll to explore attitudes towards subsurface agricultural products.
Subsurface agricultural - What the hell?
Underground. We think Americans are eating more beets.
S2The Fall's Gonna Kill You
A thing the size of a garbage truck is gonna be in a two-thousand-mile-an-hour free fall and no one knows where it's gonna hit!
I'm rooting for Zurich.
Charlie?
I've had it up to here with the Swiss.
What do you want from me?
Thirty million dollars.
No.
My wife and I are fighting battles on several fronts, including with each other.
He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing.
Well, I don't think he does...
He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
Okay.
We're Batman and Robin!
Which one's which?
Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
I'm not Robin.
Yes, you are.
Okay, well, let's move off this.
You bet, little friend.
Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne, and you're my ward...
Toby...
...Dick something.
"Are you not able to recognize a standard medical history form when it is put in front of your face?"
I didn't read it! I didn't think it was important!
What else have you signed without thinking it was important? Prescriptions?
No!
Patient instructions?
No!
Oh, so just this?
Oliver, I am not an expert in the diseases of the central nervous system, but I can tell you that MS is not hereditary. The President's condition has absolutely no relevance to Zoey's health status.
Well, now you're changing your story, Mrs. Bartlet.
No, I'm not.
Did you sign it because you were absent-minded or did you sign it because you knew best?
I signed it 'cause...I just signed it...It was a form...And I think making a big thing out of it is what makes it into a big thing!
Really?
And I'm not a hundred percent sure that that's not what you're going for.
Why would I want to make it a big thing?
Because defending the President in primetime looks good on a resume.
Well, I've got a pretty good-looking resume already, Mrs. Bartlet. And it's not a big thing because I say so, ma'am; it's a big thing. You're gonna get all the questions I just asked you, and quite a few more. And then they're gonna ask the President if he was in the room when you signed it. And that's when he's gonna give everyone's favorite answer from a President who has just announced that he has MS: "I. DON'T. REMEMBER."
S218th and Potomac
Are you saying that people who start smoking and get addicted to nicotine are too stupid to live?
SRSenator Rossitter
No, I'm saying they're too stupid to be protected by the courts.
Good evening, Mr. President.
Bob Crutchet?
Oh, sir. Surely you have better things to do than annoy me.
Never.
You know I could beat you up anytime I want, sir.
Secret Service would have you down like a calf at a rodeo.
[on her new car] When you get inside, there's this...
Smell?
How did you know?
It's the smell of freedom... and the chemicals they treat your dashboard with.
We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next days, weeks and months.
When did we decide this?
Just now.
Mrs. Bartlet, I want to talk to you about...
[firmly] Dr. Bartlet. [pause] When did I stop being "Dr." Bartlet? When in the campaign did I decide that women were gonna like me more if I called myself "Mrs."? When did I decide that women were that stupid?
[Charlie is standing behind his desk staring silently at the phone receiver in his hand.]
Charlie?
Leo, there was an accident at 18th and Potomac. Mrs. Landingham was driving her car back here.
What happened?
There was a drunk driver and they ran the light at 18th and Potomac. They ran it at a high speed.
Charlie, is she all right?
No...She's dead.
[Leo stares at Charlie for several moments, completely stunned.]
[a bit hoarse] Is he alone?
Yeah.
[Leo enters the Oval Office to tell the president]
S2Two Cathedrals
[Flashback]
YBYoung Bartlet
Why do you talk to me like this?
You've never had a big sister and you need one. Look at you. You're a Boy King. You're a foot smarter than the smartest kid in the class. You're blessed with inspiration. You must know this by now. You must have sensed it. Look, if you think we're wrong... if you think Mr. Hopkins should honestly get paid more than Mrs. Chadwick, then I respect that. But if you think we're right and you won't speak up because you can't be bothered, then God, Jed, I don't even want to know you.
[standing in the National Cathedral, walking towards the altar and talking to God about Mrs. Landingham] You're a son-of-a-bitch, You know that? She bought her first new car and You hit her with a drunk driver. What, was that supposed to be funny? "You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God," says Graham Greene. I don't know whose ass he was kissing there 'cause I think You're just vindictive. What was Josh Lyman? A warning shot? That was my son. What did I ever do to Yours except praise His glory and praise His name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since You took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year, 68 crew. Do You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns, just goes around, fixes the other ships and delivers the mail, that's all it can do. Gratias Tibi ago, domine (I give thanks to You, O Lord). Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased You, You feckless thug? Three point eight million new jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, 30 million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children... that's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto? A deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem! Tuus in terra servus nuntius fui officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem! (Am I to believe those were the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with Your punishments! I was Your servant on Earth - I spread Your word and did Your work. To hell with your punishments! To hell with You!) [walks away from the altar, lights a cigarette, takes one puff, throws it to the ground, puts it out with his foot and proceeds to leave] You get Hoynes!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.